Domestic Violence has a starting point...and an end
PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT RAY AND JANAY RICE AS IF THEY ARE HORRID ANOMALIES WHILE IGNORING THEIR OWN TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS AND THOSE OF THE PEOPLE THEY CLAIM TO LOVE...
There have been so many posts about the relationship of Ray and Janay Rice...for awhile I tried to ignore it. People feel that I should be outraged that he knocked her out. People feel I should be up in arms and use this writing thing to talk about crazy woman-beating men.
Truth is...I look at both Janay and Ray as damaged people.
I've known beaters and beaten...and neither title was gender specific...and they were both lovable people...with deep rooted issues, that they often didn't see...or bother to acknowledge.
I was not going to do this post. Everyone kept asking me to do it, but I wanted to refrain. I have a tendency to "go in" and the direction I go is usually hard to consume.
Let me just be real. Domestic Violence makes me angry. Oftentimes people who talk about domestic violence do so from a place of knowing stories of people who had been through something like that...And they tell it from a place of having never lost anyone to it. They don't see the intimate details of domestic violence from start to horrid end.
Or they speak about it in terms of "victims"and advocacy. Let me just say...the way domestic violence is handled by the mainstream is doing nothing to stop it. My belief is that people look at symptoms and not at root causes. EVER...
Domestic violence isn't an occurrence in a couple's life...it is a way of life for couples!
They don't address domestic violence until the END...where the physical violence is apparent through bruises, cuts, and knockouts...
The other problem I have is how people speak about domestic violence in such a sexist way. Women are always "victims" who "need help". Men are always "woman beaters" who "should be able to walk away...because he's physically (and MENTALLY) stronger than her."
Many times when people speak of women behaving violently...they say that the man could walk away...or leave. He doesn't have to fight back because he's stronger. They compare women behaving violently to children who throw tantrums or hit or kick or even pets who may nip at you. Comment from a lady responding to my question- "So is it a stretch for everyone to keep their hands to themselves?":
Yes, so thinking a parent should never uppercut their child because their child kicked their leg is a stretch.
Yes, so thinking a pet owner should not punt their dog into the river because they're nipping on their heels is a stretch.
Yes, if I push my husband I should expect he not CLOTHESLINE my ass and instead be aware of his power AND the fact that he's going to be deemed by the courts MORE POWERFUL as well and more than likely be PROSECUTED over ME....is a stretch.
When you are bigger and more powerful than someone 'bothering' you, it's not a stretch that you should keep that in mind during that type of interaction.
In no way in that video did Janay Rice do 10% of harm to Ray Rice that he did to her. Let's keep it real.
All I can say is... REALLY?! So a full grown woman is the same as a child or a puppy? Give me a break. I absolutely loathe the way my gender is looked at as mentally weak. It's funny...but many times it isn't just men who speak of us this way, but women as well (as is apparent in the comment above...). By looking at women this way...you take away our power to choose different lives. Domestic violence becomes something women "survive" versus something women choose to live with. You take away a woman's power to choose...but in the same breath say a man has the power to choose.
IF A MAN CAN CHOOSE TO WALK AWAY...WHY CAN'T A WOMAN?
When a woman strikes back at her abuser...she's given a syndrome for explaining it "battered woman's syndrome"...when a man does it... he's labeled a B***h, a punk, a woman beater, weak, less than a man...
Even when the issue with Ray and Janay first hit the news (before the video)...I heard sports personalities say no matter what she did, he shouldn't have hit her...even if he were defending himself. The question was posed to one guy, Chris Kroeger, "What if she were hitting him?" He said, "Well he must have done something for her to act that way." Huh?
According to society...a woman can be provoked to violence...but a man is more strong willed and should refrain...
Violence is violence...I'm sorry. People seriously excuse women acting violently...which in my opinion sets women up to end up on the losing end of these toxic relationships. Why? Because men won't tell people that they are staying in a relationship with a woman who throws hands...pots...knives. What sometimes starts to happen is...he hits back...and keeps hitting...and they keep their dysfunction a secret until the secret can no longer be kept.
Sometimes the guilt you see women express isn't actually forced on them by their battering man...but from the secrets they keep about initiating the violence in their relationships. She cannot separate her position of being overpowered, from the realization that she started it in the first place. She carries the guilt, hurt, and shame...and he uses it against her. She is now on the losing end and he is empowered to continuously remind her how it was all her fault. (Yeah...this scenario is hardly ever discussed...because people don't acknowledge that this could actually be going on. It's easier to view it as the woman just being weak willed...granted this isn't always the case...but it just goes to show that DV is more complex than people would have you believe.)
Finality of domestic violence
Have you ever looked at a dead body lying in a casket with full knowledge of how it got there? Knowing that someone you know caused it to be there? Knowing that the lifeless body once belonged to someone you'd hugged and laughed with? Knowing that you'd been "cool with" the person responsible for ending those laughs and hugs?
Have you ever seen people fight, beg and plead for a person to leave a situation that was heading down the fast track to that casket? Have you ever been the person begging and pleading?
Have you ever seen someone attack a person they claimed to love? Beat someone over the head with an object? Known someone who felt like slapping, kicking, cutting, busting out windows, pulling pop ups to harass and torment were all okay?
Had a reality check that A Thin Line Between Love and Hate is real...and know for certain that "Here I am lying in the hospital, bandaged from feet to head" is not just a line from a song, but something that happened to someone you know and love?
Have you seen the beginning and end of toxic relationships?
I have...too many times...
Something I found absolutely disturbing in the interactions between Janay and Ray in the video is that it showed the comfort level they have with physical violence in their relationship. I mean there was no hesitation in their nasty interactions at all. None. Not a thought...Not a pause. Nothing....which makes me feel like they are used to it. It's "normal".
People often view domestic violence as what they've seen on TV...there is a brute and a brutalized. There is someone who cowers and is afraid, and someone who barks orders and wields control... There are black eyes and broken bones...and someone who is afraid to leave...
Truth is...that occurs...but by the time that happens the DV system under which the couple lives has been going on for years. It is part of how they operate. You cannot "rescue" someone from what they have created as normal. A person isn't going to leave because they may die...why?
Because the lines of victim and violator get crossed over time in many of these relationships. They switch places back and forth many times before one wields the ultimate control. It has become who they are versus what they do.
I see people who hit people they love as sick. What I saw in the video made me see Ray Rice as sick. Something in him shut off that thing that prevents people from getting physical with the person you love. Or...he never had it to begin with. The question is: Where did it begin? That has to be answered if it is going to end without death.
Some people are raised and groomed to behave in what I see as crazy ways. Trading blows is as normal as trading kisses. Nuts to me...but normal to them.
SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO HAVE NON-VOLATILE, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
I've seriously had people try to convince me that yelling, fighting, cussing and carrying on is okay in relationships. I'm sorry... I've not been able to get with that at all. If I'm supposed to build with a person...I sure as heck can't build when we're fighting, cussing and carrying on.
That's not the life I care to ever live. I'm not about that craziness. If we cannot work well together, we'd do best being apart. There is conflict...and there is combustible confusion. It's fine to disagree and even argue...but there is a line that should never be crossed...once it is crossed...you open Pandora's box and you will go through hell trying to get that joker closed.
I've never quite understood the roughness of a romantic relationship. If we have to be rough...why are we together exactly?
Truth is...some people do not know how to cool down. They only know how to react. They don't know how to disagree without yelling to be heard. They don't know how to recognize when a situation is getting out of control.
But...you can learn. You can step away from what you've always done before it is too late. You can unlearn what you've been taught and found comfort in doing and you can change.
Ray Rice and Janay Rice are not a lost cause. They can actually learn to have a healthy relationship. They're not at the end...they may actually be at the beginning. You'd be surprised by how many people have gone through this in their relationships...but are too afraid (or ashamed) to tell you that they lived in domestic violence...and changed.
(No...I'm not telling you to stay in a dangerous situation...what I'm telling you is...whether you are the abused or the abuser...you don't have to stay in that position or keep carrying that title. Get out of it...and don't carry it with you for the rest of your life...by staying in it...your life may very well be shortened.)
Follow @YBBG_Blog on Twitter and use hashtag #YBBGTopic for more interesting discussions.
Check out YBBG on Facebook.
Comments