|What would a conversation with your ex look like?|
So there is a viral video posted by The Scene of college sweethearts having a heart to heart conversation. People are upset about how the guy in the video behaved and are calling the young lady "Hurt Bae."
According to Essence, Hurt Bae was only 22 or 23 when the video was shot, last November. She claims, in their exclusive interview, that she is now over the relationship and has learned a lot about forgiveness.
In a now-viral video shot for The Scene, we met ex best friends and lovers Kourtney Jorge and Leonard Long III, who parted ways after he cheated numerous time during their relationship and showed no remorse for his actions. Viewers watched in agony as Jorge confronted Long after their breakup and her heartbreaking emotional response to their painful conversation has spawned memes, timeline debates over who's to blame after infidelity and endless retweets.
When I wrote Your Boyfriend's Best Girlfriend: A Tomboy's Guide To Knowing, Loving And Understanding Men, it was after I had my own conversations with exes. My conversations weren't quite like the one in the Hurt Bae video. My relationships didn't end because of cheating, but some ended because of mistrust, poor communication, and immaturity.
One thing I hate about this Hurt Bae video, is how the young lady comes off like a victim. Honestly, the victim role of women in relationships annoys the heck out of me. I often tell my women friends that they are responsible for their own feelings in relationships, the dude is responsible for how he acts and treats you...you are responsible for what you accept and how you respond. Have I ever been hurt in a relationship? ABSOLUTELY!!! I have also done things that hurt guys I dated. But, I am only responsible for my actions, not for their feelings. (Responsibility for feelings is also one of the topics in the book....it runs deep.)
A couple of my homegirls and I have talked about this video for a couple of days. One felt that the guy was a jerk who hurt a lot of women. I disagreed. I don't know this guy's particular character currently, nor how he was with the women he slept with while dating Hurt Bae, nor do I even know the level of their commitment. He definitely was a jerk to her. It sounds like a lot of their relationship happened in college.
College me is nothing like current me. That's why I'm not quick to label this guy. He seems cold in the video, and he probably is very cold toward his situation with Hurt Bae. In the book, I talk about how cold I was in certain dating situations. I was so cold because I did not want to commit, and quite frankly only cared a little about how anyone else felt about it.
I was young, having fun and just meeting new and different people. Many of my schoolmates were so heavy on settling down, not me. Yes, at times in college I had a boyfriend...I did not cheat...but I usually ended the commitment rather quickly. I was a serial dater-non-committer. That made me happy...and quite frankly, at that stage in my life, my happiness was all that mattered.
In the book, I also write about the reasons why some people (people...not just men...but women as well...) cheat. The guy in the Hurt Bae video hits one of the main reasons when he says:
IT HAD MORE TO DO WITH ME NOT WANTING TO COMMIT.Hurt Bae asks him why not, and he responds: I just didn't want to.
Simple enough answer. His wrongness was committing to her (if he actually did) when he didn't want to, and treating her as though the commitment never happened. She was wrong for staying in a situation that hurt her emotionally. She could not trust him to be who she wanted him to be...but she could have trusted him to be exactly who he was and showed himself to be.
People are who they are, not who you want them to be.
I expressed the following to a number of guys I dated: I do not want a boyfriend. I honestly just wanted to get to know them, hang out and have fun. Somehow that translated into "she's playing hard to get." No, I really was not. My wrongness was dating someone who wanted a commitment, when I knew I never would. So, I would enter these temporary relationships. then poof... I'm gone.
My friends often did not understand how I could date such great guys and not want to lock them down or settle down. Why would I? I was young and had not even experienced life yet, nor discovered who I was as an individual. Longlasting romantic love was not even on the radar...and that should have been okay. Not every teen and twenty-something walks through life daydreaming about fairytales.
Honestly, I did not cheat, but sometimes I did lie. I lied my way out of relationships. I lied about my feelings while I was in them. One of my main goals was to make me happy...and that's just the truth.
When you look back at your former relationships, are you able to take some of the blame for the hurt you felt, or do you put the blame solely on the other person?
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