Monday, March 13, 2017

Dating games...when every player loses

Has dating become so complicated that coupling is becoming impossible?
Has dating become so complicated that coupling is becoming impossible? Between Netflix and Chill and Baller Alerts... how do people even manage to get together these days? Far too much strategizing and game playing goes is hard for people to get through the hazy maze and get to know each other. Yesterday, a lady sent me the screenshot below, that she retrieved from Instagram, and asked my thoughts on the exchange in the texts.

My perception: These two people are dating scared scarred. I do not know how they met...but I see that they are at the space between having a few communications and planning an initial date. Both seem to have a wall up. Clearly this is a snippet of a convo that they were already having... The guy mentions that he has already made a "meet and greet" suggestion prior to the lady saying, "If you want to see me, plan a date worth having." 

This is my exchange with the lady who sent me the screenshot:

There is a chapter in my book where I address "money matters" in the whole dating, relating and mating cycle. People tend to put too much strain on this initation process. I do not personally believe in women paying for dates. I'm honest about that. I do not believe in it, nor will I begin to believe in it. I understand that people feel differently, and I think that is their prerogative. 

That said, I do not believe in costly, fancy, or extravagant first dates. I believe those dates should be reserved for special coupledom time. I find it ridiculous to spend money on unnecessary things. Getting to know someone should not cause financial strain...

However, you can have an impressive first date without spending a lot of money. You could even have a first date that is coffee without it coming off like a "cheap date." What makes a date impressive is paying attention to the person you're asking out in the initial conversations, being creative and respectful.

I believe the two people in the exchange above entered into the dating pool with their pasts at the forefront. It is very likely that the woman has experienced dealing with men who put no effort into getting to know her, and treated her extremely casually. It is equally likely that the man has come out of his pocket multiple times for women whom had no desire to see past being impressed by dates he planned. Both may have wasted time attempting to get to know people before and come out disappointed.

Although I am not currently a participant in the dating market, I see the perspective of both people in the Instagram text exchange. Both could have gone about it in a much more productive way. Instead of setting this up as a screening process, as he blatantly did, he could have genuinely listened for clues as to what she's into and planned an inexpensive date accordingly.

She did not ask him for an extravagant date...she just asked him to plan a date. That was not a negative thing.

When he suggested coffee, she could have suggested a mom and pop coffee shop in an area that had other things to do. Had the "meet and greet" gone well, they could have easily continued the date doing other things.

I posted this "dating games" screenshot on FB in a few places, and received some interesting commentary. All of the women were "negative" about the woman in the scenario. A couple of the men were "negative," one was on the woman's side completely and a few were on the fence, seeing both sides.

I was not suprised by the responses from the women...which were:

JB: I don't know why anyone would want an elaborate date with someone they don't know. I think a drink or coffee is totally appropriate and you can make an easy exit if you need to. Maybe it's a white ho thing, or maybe it's time management.
LikeReply5 hrs
YBBG Others have taken issue with her final line. Had she not said that would it have changed your perspective of their exchange?

JB: No. She's just being petty at that point cause she isn't going to get the steak she wanted him to buy her. She seems pretty entitled.

KD: The woman in this exchange was totally out of line. I agree with the man. Let's meet and see if there is even an interest before we waste each other's time. I'm not sure why race even played in this.
LikeReply15 hrs
YBBG At what point do you feel she became totally out of line?
LikeReply3 hrs
KD: That last comment for sure. Prior to that she just sounded like she was begging for a free meal.
LikeReply3 hrs
YBBG Hmm... even though the part shown starts with "if you want to see me..."?
LikeReply3 hrs
KD: I thought that was rude. I probably would have ceased communicating with her then. "Plan a date worth having". What does that even mean? Is bowling worth having? Jetsetting to Paris?
LikeReply2 hrs

MC: I think she's being unreasonable. A coffee or drink Meeting to initially decide if there's a mutual interest is quite fine. Then when / if he wants the conversation to continue, then he can plan the dates.
LikeReplyYesterday at 6:16pm
MC: It's probably why she's single.
LikeReplyYesterday at 6:16pm
YBBG But they are both why is he single? Lol
LikeReply1Yesterday at 6:38pm
MC: If he's single, LOL
I tend to think most are single by choice until they find the right one & women are trying to become the right one. Good point though.
LikeReplyYesterday at 6:42pm

JW: This is why men don't like taking women on dates anymore...
LikeReply2Yesterday at 7:39pm
YBBG Her desire or her delivery?
LikeReplyYesterday at 7:49pmEdited
JW I think I took more issue with her delivery than desire; although the only thing that makes a date "cheap" is the company and conversation not the monetary value. IMO.
UnlikeReply1Yesterday at 8:10pm
AS: Her delivery is horrible which more than likely is the reason why she is single and searching. It's ok to "demand" respect, but the bed side manner could use work.
LikeReply6 hrs

KJ: I think that a coffee or something light is good for a first meeting. It doesn't obligate a whole lot of time, and you can see if you actually want to spend more time with that person.
LikeReply4Yesterday at 8:33pm

BS: Right. What if it's clear in 5 minutes that you're or interested? You wouldn't want to spend a whole evening with the dude.
LikeReply123 hrs

SH: Team Ridiculous
LikeReplyYesterday at 8:36pm

BS: By the way, my first date with my husband was at a coffee shop. We've been together 21 years! That woman might be missing out. 😉
LikeReply23 hrs
YBBG I guess that depends on the character of the guy. Lol
LikeReply23 hrs

But the responses from the men, may suprise you:

NP Ahhh the power of options
LikeReplyYesterday at 8:19pm
YBBG I already knew your response. Lol
LikeReply1Yesterday at 8:37pm
NP Men with options dumbfound women. 😂😂😂
LikeReplyYesterday at 8:45pm

MA: Was this like an Internet meeting. Did he know this person beforehand......I need a Lil more.
LikeReply23 hours ago
YBBG No clue
LikeReplyYesterday at 10:15pm
YBBG What would be your thoughts based on either scenario?
LikeReplyYesterday at 10:21pm
MA: Internet dating I'd say yeah coffee. He don't know her to come up with a date.......the way she's asking is she want the best possible generic date he can come up with. She's obviously been taught to value herself based on dates. I think if they've known each other beforehand, then maybe he's wasted her time before.....maybe......trying to give her the botd.
LikeReply23 hrs
YBBG 👌🏽 Gotcha!
LikeReply23 hrs

SS: He sucks..
LikeReply13 hrs
YBBG Uh oh...plot twist in the comments... elaborate, please...
LikeReply12 hrs
SS: I don't understand seein dating from a male or dominant standpoint as one of eluding financial responsibility. If you are texting or DMing someone...this is your opportunity to get to know them. A date is a date, it should be planned and funded by the person requesting the date.
LikeReply12 hrs
MA I get that but sounds like she wanted the biz.......go all out and show me you worth taking the time out of my day to sit down at this free meal.
LikeReply12 hrs
YBBG MA, you called it a "free meal" and said it sounds like "go all out..." what part of what's posted from her led you to that?
LikeReply12 hrs
YBBG SS, thanks for the elaboration...unique point. What about her part in this scenario?
LikeReply12 hrs
SS: To hold her standard steady...
LikeReply11 hrs
MA: The woman I like appreciates things because she knows I don't OWE her anything. Hey, I'm a catch too. Lolol She comes off like oh if you don't do this you want a blank blank blank........she has issues. If she would have just said, I think this is how a man should pursue me or how I would like to be pursued it would be better. But she was like nahhhhh homie, this is what you gotta do and if you don't you want a lame chick that settles for garbage, and they garbage too. Lololol. It's hyperbole.....but you get my point.
LikeReply11 hrs
YBBG Which part of what she said led you to that thought, is what I'm asking.
LikeReply10 hrs
MA The insult at the end. She let her true feelings come out. Without that, I woulda gave her the botd.
LikeReply10 hrs
LikeReply9 hrs

WF: I can say I am torn. It also depends on how they met. There is a party of me these days that feels dating or first interactions (whatever the hell we call it) has gotten lazy. But I can also understand the pre-date date, lol. #IHateDating
LikeReply13 hrs
YBBG There have been others with your perspective. What do you think either could have done differently?
LikeReply3 hrs
WF Well, a lot of pre-dating happens via text/dating apps these days so depending on how much of that has happened, then it is not hard to plan a date - if y'all have actually talked.
LikeReply3 hrs
WF Pre-date dates do lack romance, but there is a lot of free stuff you can engage in, because date costs are also a real consideration these days, which is why the coffee first dates have exploded.
LikeReply3 hrs
YBBG Ahhh ok!
LikeReply3 hrs

Ultimately, if you are incapable of dating with a mind free and clear and an opened heart, why are you dating? The game playing leads to nowhere. The fear keeps you locked into a place that you really do not want to dwell.

IF you are just in it for the entertainment and have no desire for anything else, it is easy to be upfront about that and to only deal with likeminded daters. If what you want is have to stop dating scared.

@YBBG_Blog on Twitter and use hashtag #YBBGTopic for more interesting discussions. 
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