Guy Secrets: He can cheat and love you


Guy Secrets: He can cheat and love you at the same time. It may seem wrong or like a lie, but it is actually true. The secret lies in how he defines love, and how you define respect.


 I know you've heard it all before and you're probably rolling your eyes at someone else saying it for the millionth time...just bear with me.

This doesn't give a guy an excuse to cheat. It just explains how some do it with a clear conscience. In my line of work (family law, relationship writing), I have come across a number of (male) cheaters who easily rationalize their cheating. 

This goes back to dudes being able to compartmentalize...separating emotional love from certain self-absorbed actions. it seemed like guys who are older cheated because they grew up within the scope of men having more than one woman and that being okay and even expected.

There was the woman whom a man married and created a family with...the one who "tamed the beast," so to speak. Then there was the wild chick down the street and around the corner, whom he didn't have to change his wild ways for (or could embrace wild ways he didn't know he had), but couldn't trust that he was the only one she was being "wild" with enough to choose to raise a family with her. She became the "kept woman" for this cheating man.

In the minds of these older men, they were right and even righteous in how they treated women. They held their wives out as the cared for, protected and provided for women. This was the kind of woman he was told to marry...she made him look good in public. Then there was the woman he was told to use as a release for his beast...just don't get caught out in public with her...she's only good for one thing. Unfortunately, women obliged these classifications...and still do to some extent. 

(Somehow newfangled folks, these days, have turned the role of side strumpet into a glorified position of prestige.)

So men would go to church and civic functions with their wives, and sneak around the back alleys with the women who were down for anything. To these old dudes, they were doing the right thing. A lot of older women went for this and just took it out on themselves or their children, often, because they didn't have much of a choice.

Women not having a choice, empowered men to continue this practice basically because it was rewarded and nothing was said or done about it. (Yes your grandma knew that your granddaddy was creeping with Miss Lilly down the street. That's why she wouldn't touch Miss Lilly's potato salad at church functions and why she was always talking bad about Miss Lilly's mannish bastard children...she knew who their father was...

People will claim to you that cheating is an innate function, but that's a whole and complete lie. Cheating is a function that is learned and groomed into practice, much like other relationship functions. There are men who do not cheat, who have learned to flee temptation. (Everyone gets tempted...)

These granddaddies and grandmas passed this cheating function down. I remember a guy I dated whose grandma always said, "A piece of man is better than no man at all." (If ever I felt like disrespecting my elder...it was then...ma'am a piece of something is equivalent to nothing at all...)

I came to understand that the times those older folks lived in put many women at such a level of inequality that what is extremely disrespectful, as I define disrespect, wasn't viewed that way at all. Respecting a woman was probably not even seen in the same light as seeing her as an equal partner worthy of faithfulness, monogamy, and devotion. 

So then, how men, and women of that time, defined a man loving a woman was steeped in the light and image he held her in with the public and the fact that she was the one who got the house, legitimated children and the inheritance. 

Quite a number of these granddaddies felt as though, and were even told as much by their wives, their cheating was okay "as long as it isn't seen or heard about." Meanwhile grannies were warning their daughters and granddaughters about no good, dirty, lying, "piece of" men. 

Now that's some dysfunction for ya, ain't it?!

THIS IS WHAT WAS TAUGHT...LEARNED...PASSED DOWN
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So now we have the mass confusion as byproducts of men acting like robots (just do their business sans emotions) and women acting like mutes. However, it has been chopped and screwed. Men have access to even more Miss Lillies (and are more in touch with their emotions), but women now have a voice and equal footing...for the most part.

You now have women voicing major concern over cheating and taking preemptive measures like going through phones, checking social media activity, and pulling pop ups...all to prevent what foremothers taught would happen with all men (not just some, but all...) 

And you have men who will lie to the women they are with, and tell the truth to the women on the side to "keep the side chick in check" as an expression of love to the "main chick," just like granddaddy did. 

The curse of cheating is that it leaves everyone confused, hurt, and distrustful. Men who cheat think that it has no impact on loving their main women. But they don't get that, part of loving someone is respecting that person as an equal partner... Which means you should do unto that person as you would have her do unto you.

So if you ever want to know how a man can cheat on you, but still claim to love you... This is why...he might love you his way, but he certainly doesn't respect you in any logical sense of the word. 

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