Abstain from love

Some time ago, I decided to abstain...

I wanted to truly be free. To not be bound  by feelings or responsibilities to someone else.

I desired clarity of thought, and understanding of life, and, at the time, I couldn't find any of those things while attached to someone else. 

I decided that until I was ready to actually love a man and commit to him in friendship and love, I would abstain...

From love.

Quite honestly, I've always had available men around who would make great mates. But their availability had no impact on my movement in love's direction. 

I was not ready, and just having a man, even a good one, wasn't worth it. I was not available. Nor did I want to do the work necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. 

No, I wasn't on some exploration of "self-love," I've always loved myself...some might say a little too much. Ha!

Yes, I dated during this time. But sometimes I didn't. I was okay in both circumstances, but it alarmed many in my circle that I wasn't settling down permanently.

I've heard it all... "So and so said you need to find yourself a 'friend'" To that, I would chuckle. I have had a "friend" or two during this period of time...but is that ever anyone's business? LOL

Then there were the guys who were interested, to whom my response was, "I'm seeing someone," which was always true...but also a way to turn them down nicely. Now, I could have said, "I'm seeing someone who I'm refusing to commit to. We go out. We have a good time. We enjoy each other's company and conversations, but I am only committed to and only belong to myself..and God." 

I just was not ready. And that bugged people...a lot. 

I mean...people were aggravated that I had the nerve to turn down relationships with good men.  How dare I have such a nurturing spirit and be so great with children and not be chomping at the bit to give life to some youngins. 

I get it. People care and want you to be loved and have what's best for you.

Let's be real...sometimes a relationship isn't what you need.

Honestly, I've never understood the rush toward commitment...especially when you're not willing or able to love and commit to a person the way that person needs. 

I reveled in my selfishness. I found joy in having no responsibilities to another person. I embraced being able to be around whomever I liked, whenever I liked. 

I quite liked not having to concern myself with the ebbs and flows of another person's life...why is that a problem? 

Frequently, the struggles, I have seen, in relationships have been precipitated by committed people trying to live as though they are single. 

They don't consider the other person's feelings.

They don't consult the other person in decision-making when that decision will (or may) impact the relationship.

They are selfish to the detriment of the other person. 

They maintain other relationships that cause the other person undue grief.

They only focus on receiving love and not giving. 

They don't take the time to understand what the other person's needs are or work through conflicts. 

They aren't open with communication or transparent about how they are living. 

Now...as a single person you are truly free to play Cloak and Dagger in your life. You can come and go as you please. You can tell people as little or as much about who you are and what you're doing as you like. And no one should have a word to say about it. If they do...who cares? 

But as a committed person, there are responsibilities that come with relationship benefits. Oh, and believe me, I completely recognize and honor the benefits of a relationship. 

There is bliss in having an accountability partner who is genuine and caring.

Who wouldn't want a cheerleader and constructive critic? 

How wonderful it is to have someone to create and cherish found memories with. 

A support system that chose to love and have your back is a beautiful thing. 

Sharing love and laughter, sorrow and pain instead of having to deal with it alone keeps both people sane and balanced. 

Building love and creating life ilwith someone is spiritually beautiful. 

Having a friend with whom you can bare your soul and receive and give warmth and intimacy is a treasure. 

But to maintain all of that...a bit of work has to be applied...

And there are those of us who know when and why we aren't willing or ready to do it. 

Then there are those who don't...and you see their man and woman bashing, sad and lonely memes all over social media.