Black love ain't easy


The foundation of any community is the stability of the people in it. 
Black love ain't easy. We see the t-shirts and the insta posts and snaps. We gush at the #relationshipgoals, we nod our heads at the #squadgoals, but what is our reality? As a whole, in this society, we are unstable.

Truth is *in my Fantasia voice*, we often find ourselves at odds as a people and with society in general. With all of the talk about F-Boys and Thots, trash baby-mamas and deadbeat baby-daddies, it is a wonder how we even manage to reproduce. You see people priding themselves on rolling solo and not trusting anybody, focused on "doing me" and ravaged by inner-community perils, so how do we build with no partnership? 

Black love ain't easy. Keep in mind, I'm not talking about romantic love, solely. I'm including love for our brothers and sisters, the young and old, etc., in general.  Love is so necessary for building a strong foundation. It is hard to love someone else when you struggle to love yourself. We happen to live in a society that exacerbates our insecurities and exploits our vulnerabilities as a collective. We are consistently reminded to not love ourselves or others...and we feed off of those reminders. 

One of my first blog posts ever was about the war between black men and women. Too often, we do not know how to talk to each other or treat each other. If we are at war, it is no wonder our communities are in tatters in many places. 


One morning, I needed to vent, so I shot a text to my favorite person. He suggested that I post it on here as an example of how we should treat each other. 

We started out with pleasantries, but I had an agenda. I wanted to vent. Of course, on the other side, he would not know that...he even made an "eggplant" joke. Since I was already in my feelings, I could have said something snarky, but I knew he meant nothing by it, so I laughed and then he acknowledged how I felt and opened up a dialogue.  (Being in your feelings can block you from getting what you need if you let it.)




Because of our long history, I felt comfortable being transparent with him, as he has been with me. Though, we have both been guarded and closed off before. Even when he said he may not be the person to speak to about what I felt, I didn't take it as an "I don't have time to hear this...you're not that important..." comment. I understood it wasn't about his perspective of me, but his own personal perspective on the topic. I did not substitute my own feelings for his, which would have been unfair. I gave him the benefit of the doubt...after all, he was offering me a listening ear. He even validated my feelings and inquired deeper into the way I was feeling. (You should not judge someone by how you think he should respond or by how you would respond.)



Because he listened to me and validated my feelings, I was very open to any solutions he had to offer. Keep in mind, he did not jump into the "fix" before hearing me out, and I did not succumb to my pride and refuse the "fix". (There is a process to helping someone. First, you have to be open to seeing the situation from his/her perspective and be willing to ask questions without assuming anything.)


He offered me several things in this brief convo: 1. His time, 2. An open ear, 3. Understanding, 4. Validation, 5. Care, and 6. Love. I acknowledge that he did not have to give me his time, he chose to do so. I gave him: 1. Trust, 2. Validation of his perspective, 3. Openness, 4. My vulnerability, 5. Appreciation.  For anyone, I do not care your relationship, what the person chooses to do for you is a choice he or she makes. (Even when you feel entitled to a person's time and attention, it is still within his or her will to give it to you. There are things we can all do to make a person feel that it is not worth it to make that choice. Remember, you can only control your own behaviors, not those of someone else. However, you can influence them.)



Our convo turned to a broader dialogue on the status of black women and men and our connection to one another, thus the health of the greater community. Because he helped me to feel better than when our conversation first began, we were actually able to discuss things of greater importance to our community as a whole. (It is difficult to work on community conflict and ailments when individuals within the community are having personal struggles and battling personal demons. When one man and one woman can work with each other to "fix" those things, we can work as a unit to fix others.)



























Black love ain't easy, but it is worth it.

What will it take for us to gain Black Love in the sense of a healthy community? Look again at the meaning of "Love" in the "love is" image above, and think about how it might apply. Is it possible for Black men and women to have a love that supersedes romantic love in order to heal our community? 



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