Everything I did wrong in my relationships

Sometimes you are the reason your relationships go nowhere.
Image by Mr. James Ackerley (cc license)

Everything I did wrong in my 20s, is a web series by Kim Williams, that I have fanned out over for a couple of years. It follows the travails of the main character, Stephanie Rogers, with a series of flash backs to advice she should have given her younger self. Rogers is depressed after a series of losses and journals her pain as she fights to reclaim her life.

Check out this episode:

Now to the subject of this blog post. I swear, I talk about relationships in some capacity every day. Relationships are deeply important to me, as they are the foundation of a great society.

That being said. Let me tell you everything I did wrong in my relationships. And by "wrong," I mean doing things that were counter to maintaining a healthy relationship.

• BELIEVING IN NON-COMMITTED COMMITMENTS

The meme says 'Dating in 2016,' but this was my attitude most of my dating life. I never wanted the responsibilities of a relationship, but wanted all of the benefits. 

• BEING BUSY ALL OF THE TIME

I never made time for maintaining relationships. It made it easier to stay non-committed. It wasn't particularly intentional, more subconscious. I always wanted to give my time to whatever I WANTED, regardless of what may have needed my time. 

• GETTING DISTRACTED EASILY

I often joke that I have adult ADD, but when it comes to relationships having no focus can be devastating. When the "thing" that distracts you is another person....well you already know that won't end well. 

• CHOOSING WRONG

Sometimes, I chose relationships based on convenience. I often took the easiest route. I chose guys just because I was physically attracted to them or because they fit a certain image. The less work I had to do in a relationship, the more likely I was to go with the flow. That meant that I sometimes dated guys out of convenience and not actual interest in building something substantial. As soon as the guy did something I did not like, I could just bounce and not think twice about it. I rarely considered creating a life with this person, so it made it easier to choose based solely off of superficial things. 

• HAVING A "TYPE"

Marcellus Wiley is the prototype for my "type."

Let me tell you something...having a "type" was part of the reason I was so often distracted. Types are based more on fantasy than reality. Take for instance, my "type:"  tall, chocolate (darker the better), bald headed, goatee wearing, football playing body, cool, smart, funny, etc. I have gone out with my type before. As a matter of fact, I once met this dude who knocked my "type" out of the park until I got to know him a little better. He ruined the fantasy. 

• TAKING AN "IT'S NOT ME, IT'S YOU" posture

In my mind, for a long time, I was the perfect girlfriend. I did not cause problems. I did not nag. I let a guy live. I had a whole life outside of him and could kick it with his friends and impress his family. I was dope. I saw nothing wrong with anything I ever did in relationships no matter how committed or uncommitted the relationship was at the time.

Reality bites. Unproductive, unhealthy relationships are rarely one person's fault.

I was not very self aware.

I realized that anyone who cannot see their own flaws has no reason being in a relationship with anyone until he or she can honestly examine the flaws he or she possesses.

• AVOIDING CONFLICT

I hated (and still do hate) arguing. If conflict arose, I would rather just burn the whole house down than waste my breath blowing out the candle that lit the flame and remodeling what was damaged. One of my favorite things to say was, "I don't have to argue with you. Bye," or some variation of the same. 

Conflict is normal, but I saw it as detrimental. Maturity has taught me that problem solving is an essential element of building a relationship that is healthy for both people. Avoiding conflict is not a solution. 

There were a few things that inspired this blog, including an ex popping up and having a frank discussion about the demise of our relationship...and a friend's situation. Have you been able to take account of the wrongs you've done in your relationships? Please comment below. 


Follow @YBBG_Blog on Twitter and use hashtag #YBBGTopic for more interesting discussions. 
Check out YBBG on Facebook.