Ask YBBG: Is it time to leave my marriage?

Woman seeking dating advice
#AskYBBG: Is it time to leave my marriage? 

I often receive questions from married people. In my other career, I typically deal with people whose dating relationships or marriages are ending, or are already over. 

Many times those people still deeply love each other, but the break down of the relationship was irreparable...or so they thought. 

I often think they are just fatigued and stubborn. Each one thinks his or her way is the only way, and when the other does not comply they throw up their hands. 


Is this always the case? No. I'm not omniscient. I do not have all of the answers. I am an attorney who has practiced family law, but I refuse to do divorces. I make that known. I work on resolving issues, not dissolving marriages. I tell people that when they come to me with marital issues. (Boyfriend/Girlfriend is a different story. I have no issue telling people to walk away from those relationships...)

A few weeks ago, I received this question in my inbox: 




This was my response:


Good morning:

I am going to be honest. I do not often give advice to leave marriages. My advice is usually steeped around figuring out how to create the marriage you both want and creating the life you want together. Keep in mind, I am not a licensed counselor or therapist. It would be great to seek one to assist you further. 

That being said, in your email you stated that you and your husband have always had issues. As with any relationship, where individuals come in having lived whole separate lives before meeting, there will be issues. People often do not realize how normal that is. It is the nature of growing together into something unlike either of you had experienced before you decided to marry. 

I have questions for you: 

1. Are the issues abuse or infidelity?
2. Do you know the root cause(s) of the issues? 
3. Are both or one of you willing to do the work to identify the issues and find a fix that benefits the marriage? 

If the issues are not abuse or infidelity, and you both have some willingness to find the real cause of the issues, I say it is not time to walk away. 

Most issues people have in any relationship have very little to do with the other person. We tend to form ideals and expectations of relationships with little or no input from the person with whom we are building the relationship. That, and poor communication, tends to cause conflict that bubbles up when not addressed.

A relationship is a living breathing thing that has to be developed through open and honest communication, self-awareness, team building, humility and mutually agreed upon standards. 

So, are you and your husband willing to do some work? 

I also received a similar message from a husband (not this woman's husband) a couple of weeks later. Marriage is a special kind of deal to me. I have seen people go through the worst in marriage and end up insanely happy. So, to me, there is always hope. 

Hope is only lost when people give up and become egregiously selfish. Egos take over and each one forgets about the other partner in the marriage. In marriage, sometimes, you have to be willing to strip down to the bear core of the relationship and rebuild. 

Too often, hurt feelings and unspoken truths get in the way. You cannot keep up an image in a healthy marriage. Every part of your inner child has to be shown and nurtured by your spouse. 



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If you have relationship questions... Hit me up!


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