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Keeping tabs: Concern, Suspicion, or Crazy?

How do you feel when there are time lapses in communicating with your
significant other?
A few years ago, I wrote this post about keeping tabs on your significant other. A couple of days ago, a gentleman posted a comment to the post that recieved interesting feedback. 

In light of this comment, how do people view checking in with or on their significant other?

  • "Depends if they are married. Or if they are exclusively dating. Or if they are just casual acquaintances. If they normally communicate a few times throughout the day. Then I can see his point and his concern."-CC, gent
  • "Her phone was in the back seat? She took issue with him wanting to know what she was doing? Hmm......I would need more details about this because I got more questions than answers."-L.W., gent 
  • "It really boils down to the nature of the relationship they have established. I'm with LW, I'd need more info for example how serious are they and do they live together? Was this a break in their normal pattern?"-T, lady
  • "Back in landline days...this may not have been an issue...But majority of Americans have hourly access to their cell"- HS, lady
And this exchange

DN, gent:  Something seems off here. Sounds like he has developed expectations he shouldn't have

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YBBG Ahhh plot twist. Care to expound?

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DN, gent: He seems to think he is entitled to a call and check-in when plans change and obviously she feels otherwise. Also the fact that he called several times and she didn't and she is somewhat annoyed/bothered by his desire to establish check-ins says that they are not aligned and on the same page concerning what their bond is

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YBBG DN, here we go... This was the path I hoped the discussion would go down.

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SR, gent: You got a lot from that. He may be controlling. She may be irresponsible. Either way your best point is the lack of unison in what is to be expected.

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DN,gent: That's actually my only point. But word tho. 💯

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When I wrote the keeping tabs post, I referenced a particular incident with an ex of mine. I did not mention another incident, with that same ex, similar to the one described by Mr. Pool in his comment. I will say, in my case, the phone was not in the back seat, but I unknowingly dropped it in my car, and hopped in the car with my fellow bridesmaids as we traveled to another city in another vehicle.

My ex called several times, but I did not know because...duh...I did not have my phone. In dealing with that situation, I had a serious question: Was he concerned or suspicious? 

When your significant other does not check in, are you
concerned or suspicious? 
When it comes to "checking in" or "keeping tabs" my viewpoint off gate is that the person wanting these check ins and wanting to keep tabs is just suspicious nine times out of ten. My perception of things is clouded by the fact that I am a free spirit and abhor the mere thought of having to check in with someone. But other people see checking in as caring and showing concern for your well-being.

I have never been one to require check ins nor feel obliged to check in. If you tell me you're going to be a certain place, you don't have to tell me your next move. I'm going to trust you until you give me a reason to not trust you. A few missed calls is not enough reason for me...but it could be for someone else.

When entering a new relationship, this should have been discussed, but most times it is not.

So is checking in a level of concern or a level of suspicion? I think sometimes it can be either or a little of both. Something that kept coming up in the discussion of Mr. Pool's comment was the notion of "patterns." Basically, if you create a pattern of talking a certain amount of time per day or returning calls within a certain time span, and then switch up all willy-nilly a suspicious seed is sown.

If you get missing for long periods of time, a person may be concerned about your well-being. I can say in the second incident with my ex, he probably was concerned initially. I had spoken to him at 6 a.m. while traveling out of state for a wedding. Then I lost my phone, and he called from work to check on me throughout the day and did not get a response. By the time I got back to my car it was almost midnight, so when I told him what happened, he probably became suspicious...even though it was the truth.
If your "concern" comes off
as crazy to your significant other,
you may want to change some things.

The problem with suspicion is that it is usually based on past experiences with someone other than the current significant other. So people judge a whole new person by the actions of someone in their past. That is not fair, and can often make your suspicious behind seem crazy.

Showing concern is one is usually a selfless act. You want to make sure the person you care about is in good health and is safe. There is a way that you show that concern without coming off as loony-toons.

  • Calling several times when you don't get an answer. -Crazy
  • Leaving a message and being patient about the return call.- Concerned
  • Clocking your significant other's every move. -Crazy
  • Establishing open communication that addresses rules of checking in, ahead of time.- Concerned
  • Accussing your significant other of misdeeds because he/she was out of touch.-Crazy
  • Expressing how you feel about communication and being out of touch.- Concerned
  • Snooping through your signficant other's personal information, looking for trouble.- Crazy
  • Laying a foundation of truth and honesty in your relationshp and cementing its importance.- Concerned

A lot of the chaos that creeps into relationshps can be nipped in the bud by having open and honest dialogue in the beginning. Establish what you both want and create the patterns of behavior that sustain those desires. If there is a slip up, talk about it instead of jumping immediately into your feelings.

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