5 things I learned from men about dating, love, and relationships

So I have a few new readers (maybe more...) and one in particular challenged me to update the blog more frequently. There are over 900 posts on this blog, so I know he hasn't read all of them (sticking my tongue out at you with the wrinkled nose look that kids give...LOL).

Anyway...since I was up all butt-crack of dawn-ish, I decided to write something that I've touched on before, and touch on in my book (Get Your Copy Now): Almost everything I learned about dating, love, and relationships...I learned from men. I don't know if that's good or bad...it just is what it is.

Here are five of the things about dating, love, and relationships that I learned from men:

1. You control your feelings, they do not control you.
2. Dating is supposed to be fun.
3. You have unlimited options.
4. Love makes you weak. (Okay...maybe I learned that from SWV?)
5. Relationships only become serious when you decide they should be serious.

Yes, I'm going to break these down. First you must understand the types of guys I was around. Though they were a mix of personality types, ethnic backgrounds and backgrounds they shared some commonalities. All had a sense that they SHOULD get what they wanted. Most were self-assured. Most were respectful to women.Then there were the differences...

The guys who always got what they wanted tended to be more in control of their feelings. The guys who were emotionally vulnerable tended to fall head over heels in love with every woman they wanted. The guys who dated for fun had plenty of options to pick and choose from. The guys who took dating very seriously ended up with limited options. The guys who were always serious about relationships tended to internalize rejection more than the ones who were not.  Whenever any of the guys suffered heartbreak it was a serious devastation. 

Getting back to what I learned. 

• You control your feelings, they do not control you.

I grew up around country boys. Country boys don't cry unless something serious happens...and then there's just eye-watering...not crying. And they seek and destroy the weakest link. Usually the weakest link is the sensitive dude in the group. With them, feelings happened but the feelings did not get in the way of having what they wanted, how they wanted it. By controlling their feelings, they were more rational, calculating and precise in relationship decisions, and they appeared to have the upper-hand in the dating world.

If feelings started to creep up, they stomped them out so that they could control the flow of their lives and relationships. This helped them stay in charge of the relationships, but sometimes it backfired. These anti-feelings types tended to draw extremely emotional women, whose feelings definitely controlled them...and by virtue of contact, controlled the anti-feelings guys too. 

• Dating is supposed to be fun.

These guys were about a good time and not always being prim and proper. They did not want stale dates or stale dating lives. Some would get drunk and drive fast (I'm saying...don't do that...smh) scaring the life out of the women they were with. Others thought driving big trucks through mud was an idea of a good time. (Now this was more a White guy thing...but I know even my Pop took my mom to tractor pulls and derby races...). Others would prefer getting into some activity that made you sweat or compete.

 

These guys did not see "dating" as really serious. It was an opportunity to see how fun a girl/woman would be if they ever decided to commit. It was not about preparing for a wedding in the future. They tended to date multiple women at a time without giving much of themselves on a deep level to these women. So it was always easy to leave these women behind without much care or thought.

• You have unlimited options.

The one thing I can say about most of the guys I was around is they tended to just go after who they wanted. (Most of them definitely not all...). I don't care if the dude looked like Quasimodo...he at least tried...and sometimes he just tried strictly for numbers more than anything else.

These guys did not restrict themselves to a particular type of lady. So the net they cast was far and wide. Sometimes they would hit on a woman just to hit on her...that's it.  By doing so it gave them access to her...her friends...her cousins...LOL

They had an expectation that the numbers game would draw in more options to get what and who they actually wanted. The methods they employed to do this were not always the best or most well thought out. Some did some lying, sneaking and cheating to whittle down their numbers to the "right one". And no matter how great it ended up with the "right one", the consequences of pissing on the wrong ones almost always caught up to them. The funny thing is...the ones who were always honest about all of their options caught more flack than the ones who lied. SMH 

• Love makes you weak. (Okay...maybe I learned that from SWV?)

I tend to be an observer of everything around me...I take in information and synthesize it...often without saying a word until asked. Thus...I have seen men in love and giggled to myself. Even the most macho of guys...the most cold-hearted of meat-heads...the biggest jerks on the planet fall in love.

Maybe I should not have used the term weak (Who am I kidding? I chose that word on purpose!). Maybe "vulnerable" would have been more fitting. Anyway...I have witnessed these grown up brutes reduced to card carrying members of the sappy-happy club. They spend hours on the phone "caking"... They start allowing women to dress them like they are five-year-olds who cannot dress themselves. They hand over their livelihoods and well-beings to the women they love...and forget all about being in charge. 

Love shifts the focus from "me.me.me" to "you, us and we". Falling in love is the greatest equalizer in the male-female dynamic...which is why I understand how guys can choose to avoid it as much as possible and for as long as possible. When you fall in love...no one is in control...love controls you.

• Relationships only become serious when you decide they should be serious.

Basically no one can decide for you how serious a relationship is or should be for you...even the person you're with. No one can force you into a serious commitment...because you are the final determiner of how serious the relationship is TO YOU. Even if you're in a relationship...it does not have to be as serious to you as it is to the other person...

Ultimately, you are still in control of how you relate, act, and commit. Your thoughts, words, and actions are your own. No one can really make you do anything you do not want to do...if you choose to do something it was because you made that decision...so you cannot blame someone else for it. 

Now...I learned this from guys in both a negative and positive way. In order to find out how I learned this...you'll have to read the book... ;) 

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