#31 What he said: A conversation with my guy friend





Today's Guy: Dwight Hollier @Dfin50
Claim to fame: UNC Alum, NFL Veteran (Miami, Indianapolis), Board Certified Licensed Professional Counselor, Husband, and Father
How I know him: He played in the NFL for a number of years, and one day started following me on Twitter
Today's Topic: Sports Depression

Dwight and I sat down last week to talk about Sports Depression. He has also spoken with Pro Football Talk blog from NBC sports on the subject Goodell suggests mental health counseling

Why sports depression? Well, athletes are viewed by everyone as these real life superheroes...and because of that, they often suffer in silence. When Junior Seau committed suicide, everyone was shocked, but I wasn't. I understood, and wanted to rip back the cloak that has been covering up a battle that a number of people have. I thought Dwight was the perfect person to talk about this with because he's an athlete and a licensed clinician. The video below is just part of our discussion, keying in on the signs of and help for depression.






Me: So Dwight, you started following me on Twitter awhile ago, and I saw that you're a fellow Tar Heel, former NFLer, and licensed counselor, which is why I wanted to talk about this with you. But I still don't know much about you, tell me about yourself. 

What he said: I'm from Hampton Roads, Virginia, went to Kecoughtan High, and played at UNC from '87-'91, well I red shirted in '87. 

Me: When did you start playing football, and was it your dream to play in the NFL?

What he said:  I started playing football when I was seven years old. My dad was the coach. I didn't really know what I was doing. I would just follow what I was told to do and then I started to enjoy it. Football was fun for me. I didn't really get a hint that it would take me anywhere until my junior year of high school.  That's when schools started to look at me. But even then it was just a tool for me to go to college. I mean, academically I could get into college. It would have been tough, but I could have gone. Financially, I was not really in the position to go. I was the first in my family to go to college. 

Me: So getting to the NFL wasn't your big dream? 

What he said: For me, I never really thought I would go to the NFL. The NFL was a wonderful complement to playing football. 

Me: You may be the first person I've heard say that. For a lot of guys I know, who played football at the collegiate level, football was ALL they ever wanted to do. The NFL was the one big dream they had in common. That's what actually brought me to this topic. Seeing how some guys struggle to recover from losing their football dream or from having their careers end. Recently, with the deaths of Junior Seau and O.J. Murdock, people questioned how people who seemingly have everything could be driven to kill themselves. 

What he said: I can't speak to those two individuals specifically. But I can say as athletes, we tend to get wrapped up in who we are as an athlete and when it's gone there is nothing left. Imagine having something be a part of your life for years, and coming out to cheering fans all the time. Then too, a lot of guys bring other things with them into playing the sport that no one knows, including mental health issues. Just because you're playing on TV or signing a big contract, the other issues do not go away. 

Me: Whew issues... You know, that's part of why I started this blog. I wanted guys to have an opportunity to openly speak about how they deal with certain issues, that they would not open up about otherwise. I feel like men are taught to hold everything in, even as little boys. You know how little girls are picked up and hugged when they hurt themselves? Little boys are told to suck it up.

What he said: Yes.  Exactly. It Is hard to open up when you've been raised to suck it up.  As men you build walls. That comes from the stereotype of what it means to be a man. In sports it is even worse. You get that old man mentality to go it alone and to not seek help. It is the man code plus the locker room code. In football, there was once a time when you didn't even get water at practice. It was to build that tough guy image. Football requires a certain commitment: mental and physical. 

Me: That mental and physical toughness often belies the emotional turmoil that people are going through on the inside. In the video we talk about depression. What do you think could lead an athlete who seemingly has it all to the point of depression?

What he said: For some, and remember everyone is different, it is hard to cope when you do not have the thing you have done for twenty years. Especially when you transition out of football and do not have anything new to transition into. The mission is gone, the structure is gone, the team is gone, and now the reason to get up everyday is gone.  There is a line I give in speeches that goes: "For everyone in this room the game will end. So when it ends, what will you do?"

Me: How did you cope when football was over for you? Did you go out on your own terms or were you forced to leave?

What he said: I always knew I wanted to do something to help people. So I transitioned easily without languishing out there trying to figure out what to do. I already finished my degrees at UNC, where I was a double major in psychology and speech communication. So while I was with Miami, I went to school to get my masters. 

I left the NFL the way most people leave the NFL, and it was not on my own terms. I had an injured shoulder, and when the Dolphins did not renew my contract I went to the Colts. It was funny because I re-injured my shoulder in a game against my old team. When I left, I had a job within a short period of time as a psychotherapist in Charlotte, my wife's hometown. 

Me: How might other players adjust the way you did?

What he said: Players need to connect to a new goal. Granted, you will never match that feeling of running out to tens of thousands of cheering fans, but there are other parts of who you are. You can have something else that connects to those parts of you that you can be just as passionate about doing. The NFL is doing a lot now with their Player Engagement program.

Me: Player Engagement? I hadn't heard of that. What is it? 

What he said: It is somewhat like the life skills program many colleges offer athletes. With the NFL they offer job training in many different fields as well as other life skills to help athletes transition to life after the game. There are four core pillars in the program: career development, continuing education, financial literacy, and mental health counseling. 


The topic of depression is something near and dear to me. What I have not told a lot of people...or anyone outside of my circle, is that I battled with depression for a period of time after school, and had no idea that's what it was. This post is somewhat of my stepping out of the shadows moment because I decided I wanted to help take the shame away from it. 

I found out that I was "depressed" when I participated in a wellness study at my alma mater a few years ago. I was not "clinically" diagnosed, technically.  But what happened was, part of the assessment for the study included periodic mental evaluations. One day I received a phone call from one of the study managers. She said that I should go see someone because every test I took scored in the clinically depressed range.

Now...my first reaction was: "This lady must be crazy! There's nothing wrong with me." Then it was: "Oh my God...I'm crazy!"...Charter Pines commercials started rolling through my head. LOL . What I discovered along the way to...I guess you would call it... recovery...was that she was not crazy, nor was I. What was wrong with me, was that I had suffered a lot of emotional trauma in silence. I never talked about my issues, hurts, pains, losses or anything else to anybody. I just stayed "strong" and dealt with them, until they broke me. Because I stayed silent, no one ever really knew. I am so thankful that I was broken, but did not stay broken.

When I meet people these days, I tell them I am nothing like I used to be. But I am well on my way to being who I am meant to be. It's a beautiful thing.

I joke and talk about a lot of what I went through now, because overall I'm good. I learned to express myself...aha...now you know the secret to why I started writing...Don't get me wrong, I still struggle to express myself sometimes, but I really don't get the "blues" anymore. I finally faced almost all of my issues about three years ago, and I am soooooo much better for it. 

I know some people are going to say OMG...SHE'S GOT ISSUES?!..Clearly! If I didn't have issues, how would I understand other people's issues so well? LOL  The real truth is...everyone has issues...being open about them is how you get over them. :) 

I never saw a doctor about my "depression", but I would suggest that if you are depressed that you speak to someone as soon as possible. What I did (being the headstrong...some would say hard headed...person I am...) was pray, research, change my behavior, pray, monitor what patterns brought it on and tried not to repeat them, pray, pray, and dig to find the root cause of it, and ultimately talk to my friends, then family about it...it worked for me so far, but everything is not for everybody!

To learn more about depression, go here: http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/causes-depression



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