Clashing egos


Sometimes you should just put down the rope. 


For such a small word, made up of only three little letters, E-G-O has a big impact. I am one who has a huge ego. Not in the sense of being conceited. I'm not that in the least. My ego is more about doing things myself. And WINNING.

I hate asking for help. Absolutely loathe it. And like many others, I hate the vulnerability of emotions. Lawdhammercy. I'd rather just remain logic driven and leave the emotions to someone else. But, part of that is my ego.

My ego tells me that I must win...always...in every way. My ego has me so driven that I rarely pull over to rest. And I'm driven by the most random things. I'm not driven by money. I am more driven by accomplishments.

My ego is also a line of defense for foolishness, misunderstanding, and chaos...oh yeah...and vulnerability.

But one place...whew...that one place that my ego gets me into the most trouble is in relationships. Oh yes. I rarely talk about my relationships on here because I don't need anyone in my personal business. LOL. That's funny since I talk about everything else...but whatever. I have to keep something for myself.

I will say this...I have learned a lot about myself over time, after suffering a heartbreak that I never thought I would get over some years ago. It was in that very relationship that I ran into someone with an ego as big as mine. Whew goodness gracious.

Our egos were in constant battle, until one day he said to me: YOU CANNOT WIN ALL THE TIME...EVERYTHING IS NOT ABOUT WINNING OR LOSING...

And he did not mean in arguments. We never argued. EVER. Except once and it was in the above conversation.

All I could say was: HUH?

LOL...but he hit the very issue that we had in our relationship. I wanted to win...his heart...without allowing him to win mine.

Whew! Say what now? Oh yes. That's what it was. Our egos were at war over each other's hearts. I was afraid that I would lose... Not lose some arbitrary battle, but lose myself in him. That was the last thing I wanted.

I had puppy love before, but that mess was not real. Right there at that moment I was in a colossal battle for my heart and he was taking it away piece by piece. And my ego would not allow me to give up the ghost LOL... It was kind of like like a tug-of-war...

I had been in control of each and every one of my relationships before. And by control, I mean I decided when we saw each other, I decided whether or not we would talk, I decided how much I would give. And strangely enough...it had nothing to do with being a control freak. It was just that I always chose to date guys that I was not completely 100% into.

But this one here...I was so into that I could not take it and I ran.  Because finally...someone else would win...and his ego was bigger than mine.

Comments

BlitzAndGlam said…
Great post! I like the posts where you open up and talk about you. :-)
CM said…
LOL. Thanks. I will try to do more like this in the future.

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