Fix a Black man's heart
 |
| Black men appeared on Iyanla Fix My Life to unravel the stereotypes and issues that plague many of them. |
There were several issues that arose during the series. According to the show, the men stayed in Iyanla's House of Healing for three weeks. During that time, six men revealed the core of what plagued them most of their lives, and how their own childhood issues played out in their adult decisions.
The premise of the show is that you have men walking around here wounded on the inside, being looked upon to lead a nation of people. What if what you learned and emulate about manhood are the very things that are destroying your life?
THE ISSUES
Abandonment
There was a common theme of abandonment throughout this series. The men abandoned their children and were abandoned as children. From Terrance being beaten to the point of losing his eyesight by his father to Michael (from BoyzIIMen) leaving his children when he left his wife seven years ago, Michael (Michael Angelo) not being a father to his oldest child, and others being raised without their fathers around, abandonment was deeply rooted in each of the men.
One thing, that may have been lost by the other issues in the show, was how some of the men were abandoned by present parents. I know you're all like "How, Sway?"
Follow me on this...Kevin McCall was raised by his mother and father. But from the stories told on the show, they both abandoned him. How? By prioritizing their toxic relationship over their parenting of him and his sister. Abuse is abandonment. Mom and dad McCall created chaos in their home. What you're raised in tends to live in you until you root it out.
Immaturity
Abandonment in childhood shows up in many, many ways in your adult life. One way is an abandoned boy developing into a psychologically, emotionally and intellectually immature man. You grow into an adult physically, but you lack the tools necessary for adulthood. Your ability to communicate rationally is often passed off for relying on basic instincts. You can lack coping skills that are useful in deescalating conflict.
So how do you visibly see this in a man? One basic instinct of a person is the fight or flight response. An emotionally, psychologically and intellectually mature man knows that he has more tools at his disposal than fight or flight. So when stressed out or in the middle of conflict, he can find ways to relax, cool down, rethink his perspective, and resolve the issue without overreacting, becoming aggressive, or running.
I will use Terrance from the show as an example of this. Terrance was on the show because he abandoned his daughter, Lira Galore. He continuously tried to leave the house when Iyanla attempted to dig into his core issues. The truth of the matter was that he wanted to stay, but his meddling, raggedy human being of a wife, threatened to cause drama in his life if he stayed at the house. (What kind of wack person does not want to see their significant other heal?)
Terrance experienced abandonment and abuse as a child himself, and turned right back around and abandoned his eldest child. He blamed it on being a young parent, unprepared for fatherhood. However, there are many men, who rise to the challenge of parenting after becoming young fathers. Challenges are just that...a challenge...they are not excuses.
Lack of trustworthiness
Abandonment shows up in other ways like insecurity. What does that have to do with the label "untrustworthy", you might ask. Well... insecurities drive dishonesty and lacking in the dependability department. A person you cannot count on to be there or to be open with the truth is untrustworthy.
BoyzIIMen Michael created a scenario in his life where he couldn't trust anyone. But the funny thing was, he failed to show up as trustworthy himself. He would not confide in anyone his most deepest need...the fact that he has MS and was suffering and needed them. He did not tell his band mates or his wife. As a result of this secret, he lost his relationships with both.
Trust is a two way street. If you hide things from people, they will not trust you. If you lie to people, they will not expect truth from you. Sharing your vulnerabilities creates a sticky bond. That means you develop the kind of bond you want and need by being an active participant in its creation. You can't show up crappy and expect someone to be what you need, whilst giving them nothing. No one trusts you on GP. Why would they?
Accountability
People have created this society where many boys are hardly taught accountability. There is this expectation of sowing oats, living wild and free and then somehow coming to stability and manhood by virtue of some random rite of passage that does not exist.
This never made sense to me growing up around boys. Like they barely had rules, and the ones they did have they didn't follow...As a matter of fact, they were encouraged to not follow rules. That was what made them popular, sought after, praised, etc. "Boys will be boys..." is cute until men will be boys too.
I grew up in the country...and men of generations past were taught some of the illest stuff...like make as many babies as you can with as many women as you can. No lie. I promise you...there's this old deacon at a church that I won't mention, who said that as he grew up he was told to plant his seed in many homes. He chose a different route.
I can honestly say, I know many men who made it into adulthood without any babies. It wasn't because they paid for abortions either. It is because they made the decisions necessary to not have any. I also know plenty, whom spread their seeds around, and were applauded for doing so. However, they received little training on how to parent or cover a household.
Lack of accountability is another reason why you have men out here repeating mistakes and making bad decisions...they will easily blame someone else for their choices. Why? Because consequences make you reconsider your actions...lack of consequences makes you look for someone to blame when things go wrong for you.
(Other conditions that fall under the umbrella of lack of accountability are womanizing and cheating. The expectation that men are to lack devotion and fidelity is absolute garbage. The notion that men should be accepted as a partner when displaying poor character is double garbage. The notion that men can show up as pieces and not whole and still be revered as capable and worthy partners is triple garbage.)
 |
| Clarence on Fix My Life |
Clarence made the biggest change out of any of the guys on the show. He came to realize that he was was responsible for the decisions he made, no matter what he'd gone through in life. Clarence decided that he wanted to be a good steward over his family, and to be a better example for those who came behind him. He made that decision before coming to Iyanla for help.
Anger
Anger is one of the emotions men are expected and allowed to have. Being angry is fine. Staying angry is dangerous. Being consumed by anger is destructive. Kevin McCall was labeled "Dangerous" in one of the exercises. McCall lacks self-awareness and is clueless as to why he's been labeled dangerous.
McCall's dad taught him to win fights. He was not chastised for being in fights. He was beaten for losing fights. McCall's parents taught him to show anger, not resolve issues. His mom was a knife throwing, angrily seething representation of everything that is frowned upon when it comes to conflict resolution.
Quite frankly, McCall is dangerous, and was taught to be so, if you believe what the interwebs and restraining orders are saying about him. Honestly, he's the worst kind of dangerous... he's charming, and good looking to some, he has a heart, he's well spoken, educated and comes off really sweet. The kind of guy whom can pull you in and then flip on you one day out of nowhere.
Throughout the show you want to believe McCall is getting it. But if you pay attention, he seems to not absorb any of the lessons. He's hearing Iyanla, but not really listening. Shortly after the show aired, dude was caught up in some more dysfunction. A woman friend of his accused him of beating her and knocking her tooth out.
When your anger controls you, and you have not developed coping skills, it will crush every good part of your character. At the heart, McCall may actually be a decent, kind and loving person...however, his anger swallows all of that up. McCall's anger does not allow him to have the kind of life he wants. He wants peace, love, happiness, a strong relationship with his children and a successful music career. Anger keeps showing up and screwing all of that up for him.
The conclusion
Iyanla takes the men through a ceremonial ritual at the close of the process. The rite of passage is led by elders including Lou Gossett Jr. Most stable cultures have rites of passage for young men and young women. These rites of passage set stable foundations, lay ground rules, and usher children into adulthood with elders guidance. These rites of passage have somewhat been lost in the Black community, which may explain why we have more than our share of dysfunction in some sectors.
These men are merely representatives of other men in many different races who struggle with coming of age in various households and then going out into the world to face down the expectations that other people have of them while struggling with how they view themselves.
In my book, I say that men are like turtles...you often don't know what's on the inside because they keep it in a protective shell. You get to know the inside only if they allow you in. You can be with a man for years and never be allowed into the shell.
I do not personally know what it is like to have a negative view of men as a whole. I just don't. I know men who have done some terrible things. However, I see those actions as indicative of who those particular men are, how they were raised, and how they chose to go into the world and decisions they choose to make once they arrive.
Did you see the show? What did you think of it?
Follow @YBBG_Blog on Twitter and use hashtag #YBBGTopic for more interesting discussions.
Check out YBBG on Facebook.
Comments