Turning the tables: She told you what it was

I told you what it was... why you trippin'? 

Said every player...everywhere...at some point in time LOL. Or some version of that anyway.

Today, I asked a group of fellas this question:

Men: Have you ever continued a casual relationship with a woman when you knew she wanted commitment? What made you stick around knowing she wanted more and you didn't? Do you feel like you used her?

Now... I got two very different answers. I will not put the gents on blast. One version of the answer was:

I ADMIT I MAY HAVE DIBBLED AND DABBLED WHILE ONLY BEING CONCERNED WITH MY FEELINGS...AND THAT WAS PROBABLY WRONG.

The other version was:

I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE'S FEELINGS BUT MY OWN.

Let me tell you why I feel the second answer is wrong, but most commonly the answer given. Firstly, the first answer is an admission of guilt. The brother was showing that he was accountable for only considering himself and acknowledging how that may have impacted other people...namely the woman (or women) he dealt with.

Here's the funny thing about the second response. The gent insists that everyone must make their own decisions, but he also says if he puts the ball in the woman's court, it is her fault if she doesn't make him leave. Now those are two contradictory statements.

He goes on to say, if you tell someone what your wishes are and they choose to stick around, that is on the person. Ah haaa... But if a woman tells you: I WANT A COMMITMENT and you choose to stick around, are not the consequences on you? She let her requirements be known and you chose to stick around.  You gave up your right to object to anything that goes on moving forward when you decided to stay AFTER she told you what it was. (See how I flipped it? )

So if you tell a woman you do not want a commitment, but your actions say "I'm just kidding...I do want to be with you..." Do not get upset when she starts making girlfriend demands. 

I mean...she told you what it was...why you trippin'? 

So yes, she gets to call you at obscene times, make demands on your time, question you about who you're with and why you're with that person. She gets to require you to show up for things and tell her friends y'all go together. She can pop up at your house without calling and go through your phone. Think about it. She laid out the foundation: I want a relationship and a commitment. And you chose to stay.

Oh...but to you...y'all are just friends? Oh nah... Friends don't cuddle and have sex or cook meals and look cute for each other. You're not "just cool" when you're laying up under each other like y'all together. So prepare yourself. Go on ahead and get your honey do mind right. Because y'all go together. 

How you feel about this RELATIONSHIP is inconsequential. She is not responsible for your feelings. She did not lie to you. She told you what it was. If you did not want a commitment you would have left her alone. She's not holding you hostage, you made a decision to be there, so you'd better be ready to deal with the consequences. She told you what it was.

If you don't like the demands of this commitment, you should have walked away and left well enough alone. She told you what it was. 

Oh you're trippin' because she came over unannounced? That's what girlfriend's do. You'd better get used to it. She told you what it was.

But you didn't want a commitment? And you told her you didn't want a commitment? You put the ball in her court. So she should make the decision for you as to what the relationship will be? Well she did. She wanted a commitment and she decided you will commit as well. What you want does not matter. She told you what it was.

Remember...no one is responsible for the other person's feelings according to answer number two. That being said, when a woman wants commitment and you don't...if you choose to stay, then you cannot be mad when you end up in a committed relationship that you did not want. She told you what it was.

Oh you have a problem with calling and checking in? You get bothered by her demanding you show up on time? Well...you're a boyfriend that's what you signed up for. She told you what it was.


See how that works? A number of women end up being booty calls, side pieces and "friend zone" dwellers because guys choose to stay in a "situation" when the woman wanted a commitment. Now when a woman finds herself in the position of wanting to be committed to a noncommittal person, people tell her she was stupid because he told her what it was. In that realm, a woman is always given the blame for ending up in a position that she did not want to be in.

But what about the noncommitter? What if "he" ends up in the position (as boyfriend) that he did not want to be in. Is that not his fault? If she starts treating him like a boyfriend is it not his fault that he stayed with someone who wanted a boyfriend versus finding someone who did not?

Why won't a non-committer go find another non-committer and kick it with that person? I will tell you why. A non-committer does not want to be treated in a noncommittal fashion. The noncommitter wants all the comforts of having a committed relationship with none of the responsibility.

The noncommitter does not want to be treated in the same manner that he treats others. The noncommiter could easily choose to walk away from the situation with the person wanting commitment. But the benefits of keeping that person on a string far outweigh the deficits of caring about another person's feelings. The noncommitter just does not care.

When a person cares, he takes responsibility for how he influences you to feel. Your feelings do matter to a person who actually cares about you. Just remember, you cannot make someone care.

That whole scenario I outlined in larger print above sounds silly, but it is exactly how people who desire commitment from a noncommittal person are treated. They are blamed for "catching feelings" and sticking around when the offender is also sticking around. Why be in a situation you do not want? 

Don't both the committer and noncommitter owe each other a modicum of respect and value to respect their positions and go their separate ways?


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