#3 What he said: A conversation with my guy friend, Garon

Garon
#3 What he said: A conversation with my guy friend, Garon, looks at the male psyche of a young educator regarding dating in a "Hip Hop Society." 


Name: Garon Morman aka @KinGee7
Occupation: 26 year old NC A&T alum, middle school teacher, coach and grad student
How I know him: He followed me on Twitter
What we talked about: "Dating in a Hip Hop Society" the video you see below:




When I saw this video, for some reason I thought about @KinGee7.  Probably based on his responses to some of the questions I pose on Twitter from time to time. And he does have an uncanny resemblance to the young man in the video! I sent him the video and asked for his reaction to it.

Me:  So Garon, did you get a chance to watch the video? What did you think about it?

Gee:  It seemed very familiar. The guy in the video was doing everything the woman wanted and it still wasn't enough.  All she could focus on was someone who already had the baller status. Or whatever. He told her he was working hard studying to have a good life for her. She couldn't work with his potential. I think I see that a lot with women.  Especially women under thirty.

Me:  I can tell you that it often even happens with women slightly over thirty.  It may just be that some women are not used to being treated well.  Or doesn't feel worthy of it.  Often I've even heard women say that a guy is "too nice" and he just doesn't tell me no.  Then she'll say I need a guy with an edge. Some roughness. I've even said it before.  So the young lady in the video is very familiar to me. Do you think "good guys" get overlooked for "bad boys"?

Gee:  Not necessarily overlooked for them. Just undervalued and/or unappreciated, at times. Good guys grow tired of hearing there are "no good men left" because that is simply not true. When I'm discussing/debating relationships with women one question I usually ask is: "Do women really want this happiness or that 'good man' that they say is evading them or that does not exist?" I ask that because so many women's approach to and decision-making in regards to relationships lead me to believe they don't. I heard a comedian say that instead of women saying "Men aint sh*t" (like the lady does in the video), they should look at themselves an ask "What is it about me that attracts "aint sh*t men?"

Me: From the video, the young lady wanted the guy at some point in the beginning. So she was at some point attracted to him.  Then she caught the "I need a thug/baller/badboy" bug.  But when he told her he was going to propose, she wanted him again.

Gee: Right. That was confusing. Look at his face. That's what I meant. It was like he did everything she wanted, was attentive, cared about her, treated her well. Then she didn't want that anymore.  But tried to blame him. So it is frustrating. It is like you don't know what to do.  For example I saw this lady tweet the other day about meeting a guy she was attracted to enough to give her number.  Then she said something about him sending her a text the next morning with a rose.  I asked if that was a win or a loss for him.  She said it was a definite loss. I don't get that.

Me:  Many women will say all men claim to be "good" then they turn out "bad". So you never can tell what you're getting.  So they would rather deal with someone who they know is "bad" up front so they won't
 be disappointed. What do we do to fix this type of mentality?

Gee:  Accountability is necessary on both sides. Men that mistreat women or take advantage of them should acknowledge their shortcomings and what they do wrong. And if a woman gets hurt, taken advantage of, cheated on, etc., instead of being critical of ALL men, she should at least consider what made her choose that man.


Me:  I'm glad you said that. Often people play the blame game too much.  Instead of assessing the situation rationally and looking at all sides, they look quickly to blame someone else.  Outcomes typically come from the decisions that we make.  Speaking of that, I feel often "good guys" are undervalued because they do not market themselves well.  So it is difficult to see a dull package and want to know what's inside, versus a flashy package and wanting to see what's inside. It's just the nature of marketing at times. How do you market yourself? And what are you looking for in return?

Gee:  I do try to be respectful and I try to be respectable. I market myself as such. I try to keep myself up (appearance). I'm trying to progress spiritually and professionally. I have plans and goals that I'm working towards making my reality. I market myself as a flawed man that is constantly trying to grow and do better. I don't try to present myself as something I'm not. I'll let a woman know where I am in life and where I'm trying to go. She can either get with it or get lost.

And as far as what I want/look for in a woman-

  • I know many of the things I don't want, but I think the things I want may change as I grow/progress. There are foundational things though like:
  • Evidence of a relationship with God (don't have to be a "Super Christian" but I need to know that you can pray with me and pray for me, that you love and trust God, and that you want to build/strengthen your relationship with God)
  • A sense of family (family is and will always be important to me.. Only thing more important is my relationship with God)
  • Respectable, Intelligent, Patient, Understanding
  • Independent:: I'll respect your independence, but I don't want to have to fight with you to do something nice for you. I don't need you to need me. I just need you to respect how I approach you and why I approach you that way.
  • Love children: I work in education and intend to do that for some time. I coach. I hope to have children someday, as well. Children are going to be a part of my life and conversation, so I need to know that's not a problem for you.
Me:  You see how the guy reacted in the video when she tried to break up? All disrespectful and such.  Sometimes that's what we have to deal with as women just for turning down a guy in a simple situation.  How do you react to rejection?

Gee:  My older brother told me at an early age that all a woman can tell you is "yes" or "no". They can respond to you with a yes/positive response or a no/negative response to however you approach them or whatever you offer them. So, now, I'm able to brush it off.


In the dude in the video's situation, I understand why he responded the way he did. He was trying to be the guy sooo many women say they want but does not exist. They were already in a committed relationship. He wanted to be a part of her life & have her be a part of his. He was interested in what she was doing. He made plans with her in mind (said he was studying to be an engineer so he could give her a better life). When she hit him with that "baller" talk it probably hit him like a ton of bricks. He had found a woman he could be vulnerable with and share his life with, and she shot him down (initially) because he didn't have everything right then.

Me:  In the video, the guy says he sees why 70% of Black women are single. He got the statistic wrong.  The statistic is that 42% of Black women never marry. But that's beside the point. I have often heard men say they gave up on Black women. The guy in the video said he would not.  What do you think about that? Have you ever thought of no longer dating a certain group of women?

Gee:  Never that. I've thought of broadening my dating pool, but never shrinking it. Side Note: No disrespect to other women, but there's nothing in the world like the company of a beautiful, Black woman. Nothing. Putting that out there for any women that may think "that". HaHa.

Me:  What do you want everyone to know about "good" men?

Gee: We do exist. So, don't look beyond a man that knows how to treat you and genuinely wants to treat you well, while you are looking/waiting for a man you hope to change into the type of man that treats you well. You can't change a man into a gentleman and you can't change a boy into a man.

Also, a gentleman's desire to treat you well and do nice things for you is no knock on who you are. It is no threat or attack on your independence. In fact, I think a gentleman welcomes and respects a woman's independence. So me driving or paying or holding/opening the door for you is not because I don't think you can, it is out of respect for you (I've dealt with a "super" independent woman before.. Smh.. Haha.).

Also, there are faux gentlemen out there. They perform gentlemen deeds with ulterior motives. Learn the difference (Time and conversation will help you figure out who is real and who is not). And, I'm only "snitching" on them because they make it hard on the good dudes. I'm tired of having to pay for things they do or don't do. Maybe, I'm selfish haha

Me: Any final words on the video/situation?

Gee:  Men and women need to have their priorities in order when pursuing the opposite sex. You need to know/learn what you want, what you don't want, and what on the want/don't want lists you can live with or can't live without. So, a baller with no time for you that mistreats you is as bad as a gentleman that can't support you, has no financial savvy, and/or can't carry his weight, in my opinion.

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