#8 What he said: A conversation with my guy friend

Larry M. of Power 98 FM's No Limit Larry
and the Morning Maddhouse

Today's guy:  Larry M.  aka No Limit Larry aka No Leezy
How long I've known him:  About a year? I think I don't know. (If you count when he first came to the radio show, I've known of him since I was in high school.)
What he does: He's the host of Power 98 fm's No Limit Larry and the Morning Maddhouse, and appeared as a coach on Mtv's MADE.
Today's topic:  Breaking the cycle of fatherlessness

A little while ago I went to the morning show to do Battle of the Sexes.  The topic was about dating single parents. During the show Larry went in on me and Yasmine (his co-host) about not having any children. So he went on and on and on and on...about how great it is to be a daddy. So with the bad rap that a lot of fathers get (some deserved, some not so), I wanted to give a dad's perspective on parenthood. 

The interview actually started with Big Les chiming in with: "The only way that women know how to deal with men, is THROUGH THEIR FATHERS!!!" Larry says "YEP! I AGREE!!! No Limit Larry totally Agrees!!" Les says, "The hardest thing you have to deal with is a woman with DADDY ISSUES!!" Larry chimes, in "I AGREE THREE TIMES..."  so...you see how this is about to go. :) LOL

Me:  Larry how old were you when you had your first kid? Were you scared when it happened?

L.M.: 18, well actually...my first child was when I was 16, but unfortunately he passed away.

Me:  Oh, I'm so sorry. 

L.M.:  To answer your first question. Yes, I was scared as hell!

Me:  What did you do when you first found out?

L.M.:  Well I guess my first reaction was, like "wow, am I having a baby?" And then it was like, "is this baby mine?"  Because you know, when you're young...you know everybody...I mean you're doing your thang..and she's doing her thang...and you know your first reaction is "Really? Is this my kid, has she been truthful to me, has she been seeing other guys?" And I was just scared! (he says in a fake sniffling crying voice)

Me:  (laughing) You stupid! ... Anyway, were you and the mom in a relationship? Or were you just kickin' it?



L.M.:  Ummm nah, we were actually in a relationship.  We had been together for like three and a half years. She was like my high school sweetheart. But I mean at the same time, nobody's stupid.  You know, people do cheat. Stuff does happen.  So like I said, my first reaction was "Is the baby mine?"

Me:  Did you actually say that to HER?

L.M.:  Yes, on a couple arguments I think I did. (he starts laughing) "It ain't my baby anyway!"

Me:   How did she react when you said that?

L.M.:  Like any other Black female! "Alright...you wanna take it like that? Alright..." She tried to cut me! (we all cracked up laughing!) You know how y'all do. Like I said...I was young and and it was during an argument.
Me:  Oh no!!! Now see... (shaking my head...) I think that's where a lot of young boys go initially anyway.  The first thing they say is, "it's not my baby".  The first thing that comes to mind is "I need to find a way out of this." Is that what it was for you?

L.M.:  That's what it was.  You begin to realize..okay..you start to think ok, well every thing I had planned in my life is over. Because I gotta stop whatever I'm doing and raise this other person. And like you said, you're trying to find a way out. So you know, if it's not my baby, then I don't have to do anything.  But in reality, you've been participating in the activities to make the baby.

ON TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
Me:  So at what point did you say, "okay, it's my baby, I'm going to go ahead and do the right thing"?

L.M.:  Before we even got to the stage of knowing and having a baby, I just decided that it would be best for me to take care of my responsibilities. So I just decided to man up and take care of my responsibilities. You know like they say, you do the crime, you do the time.

Me:  Were you at the hospital when the baby was born?

L.M.:  Yes I was.

Me:  What was that experience like for you?

L.M.:  Oh man. It was, I don't want to be cliche. But it was life changing seeing another life come into the world.  And knowing that you helped create this life. It's like a double feeling. It's like excitement, but you know it's like anxiety at the same time. Becaue you know you have to take care of it.  So it's like it's here now. I need to learn how to change diapers. I have to be there when he first walks, when he first talks. When he first opens his eyes. So you know, it's life changing for you.

Me:  You know, with a lot of young guys, their first reaction was like yours. You know, to run and deny deny deny.  I see that a lot in child support court.  How do you tell them to, you know step up to the plate? What advice do you have for them?

L.M.: If you really feel like well "this is not my child," if you really really want to know. There are ways you can go see about that. I would say, well go get a test.  And if the test comes back positive, then you gotta man up and take care of your responsibilities.  A lot of cats, they live out here in the streets and or whenever They do the things of the streets, and they know the consequences of that or whatever. (Larry goes into the description of the consequences of being into the street life...). You know what comes with that.  So if you go out and you get this girl pregnant, then you know what comes with that as well.  You gotta man up and take care of that.

Me:   Tell the young men what type of responsibilities come with being a father.  Some don't understand.  They look at it as, well I have a kid, I'll drop off a bag of pampers. That's it.  What do children really need?

L.M.:  Kids definitely need pampers and they definitely need money, but they also need that person to go to, not even talking about discipline...when they're younger, even when they get older...that person who will hold them.  That man's touch, whether you have a little girl or a little boy, they still need that man's touch. It's just being around, even if you and the baby mama break up or whatever, and you can't be there every day.  Just phone calls or...Like I was in a situation and me and my baby mama broke up, but I still went to see my kids every week.  Actually when they were younger, I went to see them three times a week.  As they got older, they know "my dad is in my life."  Now I call or I go see them once a week or they come see me. So you have to be constantly in their life.  Like I said before, you do the crime you do the time. IT'S A MINIMUM, A MINIMUM EIGHTEEN YEAR SENTENCE! (he's beating on the table in front of him). IT'S MINIMUM!!! The key word is actively involved in this person's life. Now you and the baby mama won't always agree...but you have to be actively involved.

BREAKING THE CYCLE

Me:  We were talking earlier, before I started recording, about how a lot of men don't have male role models so they don't know how to be a father.  What do you tell them are the steps to being a good father?

L.M.:  Don't be like the person that wasn't in your life. That was my main thing. Well my dad he was around me, he was kinda around, but he really wasn't around.  I just remember times when I was playing football. I would always look in the stands and my mom was there and my sister and brother was there, but my dad wasn't there. And I remember who taught me how to play football was my brothers and guys in the neighborhood.  Well, I didn't want my kid to be that person.  And I look at athletes now, and they always thank their mama.  I always wanted my kids to be like well you know "my dad", "I thank my dad or I thank my mom and my dad."

(Larry had to step away for a moment, and Big Les stepped in saying that when you don't have a father, you can look at the void that a father would have filled had he been there.   The shoulder, the provider, the protector for the whole family.  To see where a man would have been useful.  You'll read more from Big Les in another installment of What He said.)

L.M.  Like people say it's a deadly cycle.  So somebody's gotta break the cycle. Everybody always says, "well I want to be different." Well why don't you break that cycle (he says as he pounds the table in front of him) Why don't you be that different person that's going to break that cycle. That way if your child, say if he or she has a child.  Say if you have a little boy, he'll say "well my dad was in my life, since my dad was in my life, I'm going to be in my child's life." The cycle gets reversed.

THE CHALLENGES

Me: Let's go to the baby mama drama. You know it happens, especially when you're young and having kids.

L.M.: You're not going to always agree.  The thing about it is, every baby mama is different.  Unfortunately to say, some baby mamas automatically when they have the baby, they are going down town.  They don't even give you the opportunity to be a father.  So that right there pushes a lot of fathers away too.

My thing is, I had that situation too. She threatened to take out child support.  I had to convey to her that no matter what she did, I was going to be in the child's life.  That's not going to stop me from being in the child's life, if you do or you don't.  I'm still going to be involved in this child's life.

I think if you continuously convey that message to that mother, that you know "I'm going to continuously be involved in this child's life. You know me and you may go through things, but it is always going to be about what's best for this kid." And sometimes you just have to talk through the different situations.

Me:  Have you had the situation, like I've heard some guys complain about..."oh she's using my money to get her hair and nails done.  I want to know what she's doing with my money."

L.M.:  Yeah, yeah, they may want money for things that have nothing to do with the child, or YOU may think it has nothing to do with the child.  But my mom had to explain to me that the better off that the child's mother is, nine times out of ten the better off the child will be.  So if my baby mama go gets her hair done, her nails done, whatever... I'm cool with it.  As long as my son's or my daughter's hair is done too and they have shoes on their feet.  She can do whatever she wants to do.

I had my situation like this. Ok, now we know that we're not going to work out.  We're not going to live together or whatever. If I don't want to give you the money, then I'll just go get every thing for the child.  A lot of men won't do that...because men are lazy! But if I have a problem with what you doing with the money. I'll go buy all the formula, I'll go get all the pampers and the clothes. You don't have to worry about that, you just take care of everything else. If you want to put the baby in daycare, then we'll split that.  You have to learn to let her be in control of some things, and you be in control of some things. Because you've got just as much right to child as she do.

(We have a discussion the legal rights that fathers have.  Both parents have equal rights to the child, and mothers have no stronger rights than fathers do. Then we go into the joys of fatherhood...)

WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT BEING A FATHER?

Me:  Now that you're older, what has changed about being a father.

L.M.:  Maturity.  I think when you get older you mature a lot, and realize it isn't all about the money.  When you're an active father, you think about providing.  Like now I have my children and now I have a wife and we have our own.  And you have to think about that. I have to provide for somebody else. It feels like a burden but it's a blessing.  We don't live in a situation where we can go back.  So once these kids get to ten or eleven years old, you don't get the little memories of when they were two and they were like "Daddy give me a hug."  Those are the blessings you receive.  I mean I hate to take it to the Bible, but the Bible does say..

Me: WAIT A MINUTE!!! LARRY'S GOING TO THE BIBLE!!!

L.M.: I KEEP TELLIN' Y'ALL I'M DEEP IN THIS THANG!!!

(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Me:  (now that I've composed myself...) Ok...go ahead...

L.M.:  You know children are a blessing from God.  You know my mama taught me that.  And I say well got dang, I should have a lot of blessings! And low and behold I do.  I think the thing that has allowed me to be successful, is that I've always wanted to take care of my kids. I always say that's one thing, that no matter what, no matter what I achieve in life, that's one thing that has always been in my favor.

Me:  So your kids drive you to do better?

Me:  Let's talk about the joys of being a father.  What is it like dealing with having kids on a regular basis?

L.M.:  Aaaah man, it's crazy. It's like you get to see yourself.  Like me, I've got five.  I have four boys and a girl.  And each one of my sons, is a different part of me.  And this little girl? That's a whole different animal.  Like I see parts of me, I see parts of her mama. And then you get to watch them grow and start talking. 

The best part of my dad is when I come home and my little daughter runs to me and say, "Daddy!"  Because I never got to do myself.  You know, I never got a chance to run and say "Daddy!". And she always waits up for me.

I have a room downstairs, and if she hasn't seen me all day, and it's her bedtime.  She'll sneak out of bed and say "Daddy, I just want to say goodnight!" With my sons, they are good! They're old enough now, they got cell phones, and they just call me.  If they need something...well really they got everything they need. It's usually that they'll call me when they want something.

(When I was at the station for the Battle of the sexes, Larry talked about how much his sons are like him.  One being very much into how he looks and dresses, the pretty boy.  Another having his attitude.  Another being the center of attention...each showing a part of his personality.)

To wrap the interview up, Larry gave some advice for guys who aren't a part of their children's lives currently  Saying that if you're not, just do it, it's never too late.  Just call the child's mother up and have a talk with her, and do whatever it takes to get back involved, do so.  He says if the child doesn't want to be in your life, you can only blame yourself.