The birth, the life, the death of the Independent Woman.


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THE BIRTH
So, you're an independent woman... how did that come about? For many of us, it came from generations before us encouraging our "independence" or self-sufficiency.  Most defined it as the ability to do what you want free from the ties and perceived limitations they had in their own lives. More often than not, it came from grandmothers, aunts, and mothers who were wives and mothers themselves (and our fathers as well...)(you'll soon see the irony)

Get an education and you can pave your own way. 
Don't marry too soon, you'll be weighed down by the responsibilities of children. 
Rely on yourself, and you'll never be disappointed. 
Think for yourself, honey, don't let a man control you. 
You have to know how to do things on your own. 
You can do bad all by yourself. 

Strangely if you ask most "independent" women, the independence coincides with not needing A MAN.  If we'd be honest, we'd see that often well-meaning advice, did not come in positive form.  It arose out of fear or someones personal failures or shortfalls in life that had nothing to do with you.  The people who love you wanted to protect you from perceived ills that you may face in life.  So they girded you with independence.

THE LIFE

As a self-sufficient person you excel.  Hey, it's inevitable, because you're used to accomplishing things on your own.  The actions of other people tend to have little effect in your life.  You're resilient.  You expect people to be disappointing anyway, so when it happens, you're well equipped to handle it. 

You make it known that you don't have to rely on anyone to make a way for yourself in life.  Your focus in life is on your desires and accomplishments.  You build your life around three people "me, myself, and I". 

But then, you remember you need companionship.  So you seek out companionship alone...as if it exists in a vacuum.  Because you've built this self-protective shell, you tend not to have the tools to compromise with others.   You tend to lack the desire to understand and marry your own ideas and ways of life with those of someone else.  You try to fit the other person into your mode of thinking and methodology. 

When the person does not come over to your way of thinking, you dismiss them as unreliable, undependable and reflective of several negatives.  If they insist on you compromising, they are trying to control you.  If they try to find room to fit into other aspects of your life or offer help, you reject it.  You don't want to seem needy.

THE DEATH

Something happens that allows you time to reflect on life.  You've accomplished a great deal.  After years of dealing with the ups and downs of dead end relationships, you wonder why someone as great as you are has not found a solid mate.  It must mean something is wrong with everyone else.  There are no good men out there.  People were right when they said men are intimidated by successful women.  You know, it's everyone's fault, but your own.

Then you take inventory of your life.  The life you've lived of self-containment and self-absorption.  You were never lonely, you had companions.  No matter how shallow.  You had friends.  You went to a number of weddings and balls.  Sometimes dateless.  You really want someone to share your life with.  And you admit that to yourself in secret.  But you do not know how to make it happen. 

And to admit to that may make you seem fragile.  That's not what you want.  But inside you want the comfort and security of having a reliable person in your corner.  However, you've been conditioned to believe that the person does not exist.  When the reality is, you do not know what he is like, because no one has ever conditioned you to seek him out. 

You have been conditioned to spot the negatives.  Very little has been said about how to spot the positives. So now, you in your self-reliance, must again rely on yourself to learn.  You've been set up to be a loner.  But being a loner is manifesting itself into a life of being alone.  What you're lacking is balance. 

At this point you teach yourself how to allow others to do things for you.  You begin to seek out the positives.  You begin to understand that vulnerability is not a four letter word.  People show themselves to be trustworthy and dependable.  Your resilience allows you to overcome small let downs and disappointments.  You acknowledge your own shortcomings.  You look for ways you can add to someones life and that person to yours. 

You learn how to depend on people and they learn to be there for you.  You become INTERDEPENDENT...and though the "Independent" mantra dies... The real you is born...

The research

What classifies one as an Independent Woman?  The answers came by way of text and Twitter discussions. Someone suggested I go to the dictionary for an answer.  The truth is, before I even posed the question, I had already gone there.  And here it is:

  1. not influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion, conduct, etc.; thinking or acting for oneself: an independent thinker. 
  2. not subject to another's authority or jurisdiction; autonomous; free: an independent businessman. 
  3. not influenced by the thought or action of others: independent research. 
  4. not dependent; not depending or contingent upon something else for existence, operation, etc. 
  5. not relying on another or others for aid or support. 
  6. rejecting others' aid or support; refusing to be under obligation to others.
For other definitions go here.

Now...that's the BOOK definition.  Let's get real here and talk about how it is actually played out in the minds, hearts, and actions of people.  Here are some responses to the question of what it means to be independent and whether or not it is a blessing or a curse:

  • "Smart, Strong, Responsible, Go-Getta."
  • "An independent woman is one who can THINK freely with or without a man."
  • "Knowing, embracing and living my TRUTH!"
  • "If a woman has a husband does that mean she's not independent?"
  • "I don't think independent = being alone."
  • "by definition it means Autonomous; not influenced; rejecting others aid or support; all good elements if a wom[a]n wants to stay single; being Independent in a Relationship is an Oxymoron"
  • "being able to do what I want when I want how I want and where I want. All without feeling guilty!"
  • "Independence is a mindset. It is freedom."
  • "Being alone isn't a result of being Independent. How you act can cause you to be alone tho." (response to the question of whether independent=alone)
  • "U can be independent and still depend on people. We are creatures that need companionship"
When I asked if independent=alone.  One person asked that I look at the definitions, and I would see they don't equate. Well...if one were to look at the definitions for independent and alone, one would find that there is one definition for each that equates with the other.

See number 5. above for independent equates with number 6. for Alone: without aid or help.  (Go here.)





Were you able to sift through all of that? There is a reason why I went through the point of defining "independent" and pinpointing what it means to different people.  With the multiple definitions of "Independence", how is it that we know what a person means when she says she's "independent"?

And how is it that anyone living on this planet can truly be independent?  Independent=Autonomous...can we agree on that? Who among us is actually autonomous?  Paying your own bills doesn't make you autonomous.  Especially when you aren't independently wealthy.  You depend on someone to get money...whether it is your boss or your clients.  And even if you are independently wealthy, you still depend on someone for your food and the maintenance of your life...even if you employ them.

And are we truly "free" in thought?  If you pay close enough attention to what people say, many say the same things.  So where did those "free" thoughts come from?  Unless you're out in a deserted land, you receive influences both passively and actively.  You may accept or reject those influences, but some still penetrate.  Don't they?  And so what if they do?
Then when communicating your meaning of independence is important.  You may not be the person who feels you don't need anyone.  The truth may be that you just won't take advantage of someone else.  But you have to know how to communicate that to the other person.  As you can see, people have different meanings.  The best way to bridge the communication gap, and to understand, is to reveal your truth and receive someone else's truth.  Then you will both have a better perception of reality. 



People view independence in a myriad of ways.  There is nothing wrong with being capable of taking care of yourself.  The issue comes when you use it as a battering ram or a wall to keep yourself isolated from other people.  And anything done as a method to protect yourself from perceived dangers versus real dangers is crazy. 

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