#5 What he said: A conversation with my guy friend.
Me: Oftentimes we talk about how there is something wrong with the people we meet and that is why we stay single. But what's really going on is that there is something wrong with us that we don't look internally to find. Especially when we keep drawing the same people. We always talked about this. What is wrong with YOU that keeps you single.
O.G.: My age. I try to stay within my age, but the women my age are all trying to jump into a relationship.
Me: But you keep making it about picking a certain person or about a person not being right. What about you created the situation where you are still single? Most guys will say they know when they are ready to get married. You know, different stages. They have the want to have fun stage, the want to get money stage, and the want to "nest" stage. But you keep putting it on other people.
OG: It is other people. You ask why I keep attracting the same people, I think it is because I stay in my age group. I think maybe I should date someone younger, because the women my age are all in a rush trying to get married just to have children or so they won't feel lonely. They don't want to be friends first.
Me: Ok, let's be real here. You know, I know you. You keep putting these people in the friend zone and they never seem to make it out. AND on top of that, I know you actually do want to be married...so there has to be something else. Clearly you keep picking these people that never make it to something more than a friend.
We then went in on how all you hear are the negatives about marriage and how people who are happy don't speak out about their happiness.
OG: Married people always seem to be able to tell you a whole list of reasons not to get married, when you're talking. If you ask them to come up with reasons to get married, they don't have much to say. Like when I was at that wedding. There were married people there, but they weren't talking about the good points of getting married. And the ones that were happy, were friends first. They met them on that basis, so I think that's how it is. All about how you meet them. Like they worked with them or knew them through school or whatever.
Me: I think that's the problem. We only listen to the negative people. And they talk all the time. The happy people rarely speak out and when they do, they aren't telling you what's good in their marriage. They just talk about things in general. That's why I try to get people to talk more about the happiness and goodness of marriage. I actually have two posts on this blog where guys are talking about being happily married. And one did not meet his wife in the way you said. It was more in the way you say you shouldn't meet people. They have been married for eight years. So I think it is all in how you work on your relationship.
OG: I mean, that may be true. But like you said, they aren't the ones talking.
Then it turned into how he goes on so many dates with so many different women. And the money issue.
OG: I mean it's two things. I think you should always start out being friends first. And then too, you have the money issue. When you're just friends you don't have to spend all that money. When you go out either we pay for ourselves or you pay for me and I pay for you. When we're dating it is almost expected that the man does all the paying.
Me: Oh boy! That money thing is a whole other topic! But if you'd stop going out with so many different women, you wouldn't have to spend so much money! LOL
So we spent a lot of time talking about other people. Then we got to the point of what HIS primary issue is...not going after the women who he would want to be more than friends with.
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| O. Greene |
Today's guy: O. Greene, age 34
How long I've known him: 5 years
Relationship status: Single, never married, no children
I thought about this topic for some time. Often we hear about women who are desparately seeking marriage. Everyone always looks at a woman who is single and over 30 as though there is something wrong with it. Men usually don't get that same type of scrutiny. So I decided to scrutinize one of my guy friends about why he has yet to settle down. We were supposed to talk for 20-30 minutes, but we talked for 2 hours!
Me: So you're 34, no children, never been married. Do you want to get married?
O.G.: Uhhhh...
Me: "Uhhhhh"??
OG: I don't know yet.
Me: At 34, you "don't know yet"? How's that possible?
OG: Because I haven't met anyone that made me want to get married.
Me: Do you really have to meet someone to know that you want to get married, or should you already know that marriage is something for you?
OG: You should meet someone. You should only have one person who you want to marry. It shouldn't be just anyone who fits the bill. There should be one person that makes you want to marry them.
Me: That's an interesting idea. I think you should already have it in your mind and heart that marriage is something for you, instead of just meeting someone who magically makes you want to get married. What do you think about that.
OG: To me being in love should be the only reason why you get married. Kids and wanting to settle down should not be your primary reasons for getting married. Lots of peopel I've met come across as "I want to settle down, I want to have kids," and marriage is a means to reaching those ends. Or either they are lonely. It's never about the person.
Me: Do you think that love can be a wrong reason to get married? Don't people fall in and out of love all the time?
OG: No. Love can't be a wrong reason. People just fall in and out of love with the wrong person. The reason why most relationships fail is because they pick the wrong person.
We went into a discussion about his dating habits and how he rarely moves from friend to something else.
O.G.: My age. I try to stay within my age, but the women my age are all trying to jump into a relationship.
Me: But you keep making it about picking a certain person or about a person not being right. What about you created the situation where you are still single? Most guys will say they know when they are ready to get married. You know, different stages. They have the want to have fun stage, the want to get money stage, and the want to "nest" stage. But you keep putting it on other people.
OG: It is other people. You ask why I keep attracting the same people, I think it is because I stay in my age group. I think maybe I should date someone younger, because the women my age are all in a rush trying to get married just to have children or so they won't feel lonely. They don't want to be friends first.
Me: Ok, let's be real here. You know, I know you. You keep putting these people in the friend zone and they never seem to make it out. AND on top of that, I know you actually do want to be married...so there has to be something else. Clearly you keep picking these people that never make it to something more than a friend.
We then went in on how all you hear are the negatives about marriage and how people who are happy don't speak out about their happiness.
OG: Married people always seem to be able to tell you a whole list of reasons not to get married, when you're talking. If you ask them to come up with reasons to get married, they don't have much to say. Like when I was at that wedding. There were married people there, but they weren't talking about the good points of getting married. And the ones that were happy, were friends first. They met them on that basis, so I think that's how it is. All about how you meet them. Like they worked with them or knew them through school or whatever.
Me: I think that's the problem. We only listen to the negative people. And they talk all the time. The happy people rarely speak out and when they do, they aren't telling you what's good in their marriage. They just talk about things in general. That's why I try to get people to talk more about the happiness and goodness of marriage. I actually have two posts on this blog where guys are talking about being happily married. And one did not meet his wife in the way you said. It was more in the way you say you shouldn't meet people. They have been married for eight years. So I think it is all in how you work on your relationship.
OG: I mean, that may be true. But like you said, they aren't the ones talking.
Then it turned into how he goes on so many dates with so many different women. And the money issue.
OG: I mean it's two things. I think you should always start out being friends first. And then too, you have the money issue. When you're just friends you don't have to spend all that money. When you go out either we pay for ourselves or you pay for me and I pay for you. When we're dating it is almost expected that the man does all the paying.
Me: Oh boy! That money thing is a whole other topic! But if you'd stop going out with so many different women, you wouldn't have to spend so much money! LOL
So we spent a lot of time talking about other people. Then we got to the point of what HIS primary issue is...not going after the women who he would want to be more than friends with.
OG: I mean we talked about it years ago, but I didn't want to tell you, you were right. That would be like Larry Byrd and Magic Johnson...and Magic telling Larry he was better than him at basketball. We used to go at it with our debates, so I couldn't really tell you, that it was what you said it had been. Some insecurities.
Me: Yeah, I knew that. Because you only go for those women who have self-esteem issues lol. Or don't measure up to what you're looking for. You keep a whole lot of those types of women around who you don't have to work for.
OG: It's not that I keep them around, but those are the women I meet. It's hard to meet the women who are 8s versus those who are 5s or 6s. Nobody likes to be rejected. But if I had an 8, I would do more. And I don't mean an 8 to everybody. But someone who is an 8 to me. But I don't usually approach them.
Me: Wait, so you're saying you would treat someone better based on how they look?
OG: Think about it. If you give a guy a chance that you consider like a 5 or a 6 and then he does something that you don't like, it's like...well he's tripping...I was already giving him a chance as it is. So yeah, you would be more apt to let some stuff go, if you were really really attracted to somebody. Especially over somebody you think is just okay.
Me: I understand you need to be attracted to the person you are with, but if you aren't doing what it takes to get them, you may need to work with where you are. Maybe your standards are out of whack. Either you work on that, or work on your confidence to get your 8.
OG: I mean yeah, that's probably what I need to do. But the ones that are 8s, you might get that higher chance of rejection. And nobody likes being rejected. I mean that is probably that confidence thing. That is something I have had to work on because I wasn't used to people looking at me as attractive and then you have most people looking at height as an issue. And the women I usually think of as 8s are in a four inch range, either two inches taller or two inches shorter. But yeah, that part is internal. I need to get over that part.
(this is the heavily edited version of our conversation...I'll do a part two some other time...)
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