The trouble with having guy friends.

My best guy friend aka lil brother on the left, as I met him in 1998.
My brotha from anotha and his beautiful fam, sans the newest
addition.


My homies from undergrad


One of my closest friends, Noa, the actor.
We talk everyday.
By now you get the premise of this blog.  At least I think you do.  Basically this blog is somewhat about my friendships with guys. I love them. They are like my brothers.  Now, I don't get the idea of friendship confused with something else.  After my last interview for "#7 What he said: A conversation with my guy friend," which will appear Sunday, I had to do some self-reflection.  The guy in the interview made me do a lot of thinking.

Sometimes having guy friends causes trouble.  The most trouble comes when I'm in a relationship. Granted when the guy is secure, it isn't a big deal.  I remember one time when I met my best guy friend, in the pic up top, I was in a relationship with a guy who had the same name.  And honestly sometimes it got confusing.

My then boyfriend had no problem with the friendship.  We were honest. They met each other.  All was well.

However, my most recent boyfriend had huge issues with me having homeboys.  For example my friend Noa was coming home for a visit (he's acting out in LA).  I wanted us all to go to dinner. No haps! He absolutely refused.  I clearly didn't understand, because I didn't know what the problem was.  I was honest, invited him to meet Noa, and he just wasn't having it. Nevermind the fact that buddy lives over two thousand miles away.

Later he told me, he couldn't trust me because I had guy friends. Say what?! ummm whatever dude. That's the way I thought of it. I'm as trustworthy as they come. Shoot, most say I'm too honest. Brutally honest. And I've had nothing to hide.

But as I try to advise everyone else, I have to look internally to see what the problem is. So here they are:

  1. When you have guy friends, you really don't have to depend on a mate for guy things.  If I have a flat tire or need to move, I always have someone to call.  I think nothing of it to call one of them, if they are local. That doesn't bode well with significant others.
  2. When you've been friends as long as we have, you sometimes forget about boundaries.  So eventhough I see nothing wrong with talking to one of my boys into the wee hours of the morning, I can see how that is a problem with someone I'm dating.  I need to be more considerate of my mate.
  3. Knowing the game... Ok...so since I kinda surround myself with different types of guys, it makes me kinda operate in relationships like a guy. Very nonchalant. Very egocentric.  Very noncommital.  It's true that you can sometimes be the product of your environment.  LOL..and my boys tend to be umm some or all of those things...but to know them is to love them. Seriously
  4. See number 3. Because of that, guys that I meet on a romantic level do not know how to take me. I can't really blame them. 
  5. The significant others of my homeboys can sometimes be less than friendly. That is understandable, because when I count someone a friend, we are usually very very tight. So I think I could work on making them more comfortable.
  6. People always think there is something going on with me and my boys. Now I can't control anyone's thoughts or feelings. But I guess I could work on defining the boundaries better (even though I think they are clear enough for us), for the voting public (as if I care...lol).
  7. Sometimes having guy friends can be just another defense mechanism.  (I like using this term a lot).  I have been so noncommital in my past, because I set up my life to not really "need" a mate. I always had guy friends around as like a wall of protection.  So there were no worries of being done wrong or suffering too many heartbreaks.
  8. Sometimes having guy friends can block me from meeting their boys! LOL They treat me like a sister.  And you know men are protective of their sisters. So I typically cut my dating pool in half! Sheesh. Ask them why they never hooked me up with any of their friends!
  9. They take up a lot of my time. I'm a very dedicated friend.  So sometimes I take on a lot of everyone elses stuff (that goes for friends of both genders and family).
  10. I'm protective of them.  So when they hurt, I hurt. And it annoys me when they deal with some people who are no good for them.  But I need to step back on the mothering/sistering role :)

Comments

Candy said…
i really relate to this, because i have many guy friends, too. since i've been in a serious relatrionship, i don't get to see them or talk to them as often. it was hard, at first. but i'm well-adjusted now...

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