#15 What he said: A conversation with my guy friend.

Southern man with a lot to say


Today's Guy: Shanard Smith, licensed family and marriage counselor
Twitter name: @DaBestDressed
How I know him:   We met doing relationship panels (Real Talk)
Today's Topic:   The chase.  What causes the chase, who chases and who controls relationships?

It all started at the last Real Talk panel we had.  The topic was dating a professional athlete.  I mentioned that I had gone out with a guy who played in the NFL, but initially I didn't know he did. When I found out, it put a damper on things, and needless to say that was the beginning of the end. Shanard made a comment about the situation...thus this interview.

Me:  So when we were at the panel you said something about men chasing women that they can't have.

SS:  You mean about the low hanging fruit?

Me:  Yeah.  What do you mean by that.

SS:  I mean those women who aren't hard to find.  You just have to grab from the bottom and keep it pushing.  You never heard that before?

Me:  No. Is that like a Georgia thing? (hahahaha) Are you saying that men prefer women they can get easily?

SS:  Yeah especially when you don't have a desire to see anything long term with any particular woman. 
Basically you have that low hanging fruit.  The ones who don't ask for a lot.  You don't have to do too much to be with them.  They let you know that they don't want anything from you, but what you're giving.  If you just want to have fun, have sex, whatever. 

They are good with that.  And there are a lot of women who are at that point.  Low hanging fruit.  Not saying you could never ever have something serious with them.  But it is like it's not even on the radar.  So why would I put forth all the effort to chase after these women who put themselves on a pedestal when you don't see any future with her anyway?  Why put up with all of that?

Me:  Interesting.

SS:  What's interesting about it?

Me:  Just saying the whole concept is interesting. Not unfamiliar. Just interesting the way you put it.  So what about the women who are I guess...the high fruit on the tree? What about those women?

SS:  For me personally, there's no need for me to invest all this ridiculous stuff and all this time and all this effort, if I know I have no meaning for her in the long run.  It's a waste of time for both of us.  So we deal with those who have lowered their standards. 

Me:  Uhn...So I see what you're saying. If you aren't interested in having a long term committed relationship, why bother going through the hoops and over the hurdles for women who have certain requirements.  But what about when you want that commitment? 

We talked about my situation with the guy, who I found out played pro football.  And that's when you brought up the low hanging fruit principle.  That's what I'll call it.  Why did you bring it up?

SS:  To the first part of your question, when men come to that point where they want to be committed.  Then we go after what we want.  It doesn't matter what the requirements are. We'll meet them.   As for you and the dude.  I'm saying if you had been out a few times, and he had realized you didn't just want him because of his status. 

He was probably used to women just being blinded by that, what he did.  Since he hadn't told you yet what that is, then he probably had become invested.  He was good to go.  He wanted someone who wanted to know him just for him.  And it seemed like you were there.  Which was proven when you didn't want to be with him because of him playing pro ball.  So that made him want to chase.

Me: (now for me...that definitely wasn't the case with ol' boy, I don't believe. After a couple of "nos" he kept it moving LOL).  I feel what you're saying. The whole predator-prey thing.  When men get into predator mode (looking for commitment) then they chase the prey.  And for women as prey, we can put up all types of challenges to getting caught.  That just makes the predator work even harder to get to the prey.  No matter how hard they have to work, they will keep going after that particular prey because it is more tantalizing.

SS:   Yeah, but once that prey is caught, the man is in charge.  I am a firm believer that a man really truly has to devote himself to a relationship first to get a relationship off the ground and get it started. I think a woman has the power until she gets to the point where she decides to give in sexually.   She controls everything in the relationship.  She controls when you see her, whether or not she answers when you call, where you go, how much of your money you have to spend.  All of that. But something happens when the woman allows you to have sex with her.  Now that is the point where the woman is no longer whole.  Meaning she gives up that cookie. The power shifts. 

Now he has the control over how the relationship goes.   So when you start dealing with a man you have to put him through everything you need to put him through to make sure he's fully invested in the relationship.  So that when you finally do give him the cookie or whatever, he is so invested that he is ready to go into it deeply, and do whatever is necessary to maintain that relationship.