I don't wanna be a player no more...



Dating has always been a game for me.
 Now, I'm done playing around.

 First let me shout out a couple of folks who are responsible for this blog... Shana, Tamara, Noa, Shelton, Marcus C, Maya, Syreeta... Yes, I'm finally hanging it up and getting serious about my OWN relationships...As serious as I am about the relationships of others. Of course there are deeper reasons why I have been anti-relationships for MYSELF...but I will not get all into that in this blog...

Ok...so y'all remember that song by Big Pun featuring Joe?  Well there is a deeper meaning in it for me, and for some people like me. Hold on.  Let me explain.

In my book, 100 Common Sense Dating Tips, there is a quote that says something to the effect of, when playing games there is always a winner and a loser.  Meaning as long as you're out here playing around, someone will lose and someone will win.  You may not be the winner all the time.  When both people are serious about dating/relationships, you rarely have that problem.

Well... I have some confessions.  (I always try to stay away from this topic.  Old habits die hard...lol)  My friend, Noa, always says I date like a dude.  What he means is, I date for fun and keep it moving.  Some guys have said I'm ICE COLD...not meaning I'm an unfriendly person, but I don't get my emotions tied up into situations.  And I walk away without a second thought.

Here's the thing.  They are right.  The last guy I dated for longer than a little bit was cool with having a relationship.  When he asked how I felt, I said...no thanks.  I don't want a relationship.  He was bewildered, I'm sure.  I told him, I enjoyed hanging out with him, going out, talking to him...but I was not trying to be serious with him or anyone for that matter.  (Role reversal? Not in my world...this is how I have conducted myself for quite some time.)

Let me just be honest.  I never revealed my relationship status, because if at any point I am seeing someone, I could change my mind tomorrow.  That's how I used to operate, and it sort of carried over.  That is the mindset of someone who plays around when it comes to dating.  No attachments, no labels, no hard feelings.  But someone like me, is always honest about it.  And for me, I justified my actions because I was not sleeping with the guys.

For me, dating was always fun.  In college, I would go on 5 or more dates a week.  It was entertainment.  One guy I went out with back then, I am still cool with now.  He let me know that I hurt him with the way I operated.  Apparently, he asked me for a second date, and I told him I was going out with another guy, but would try to make arrangements to fit him in.  I didn't see any issue with that, because I was honest.  I didn't lie.  I didn't try to string him along.  I always told the truth. I do not want a relationship.  I am just dating. 

I was the person who always haphazardly fell into relationships.  They would just spring up one day, after I was seeing one particular guy for longer than a few months.  All of a sudden, we were "together".  And I am a loyal person, so I would not cheat or even disrespect the relationship.  However, when it was time for me to go, I went.

Have I been in love? Yes, absolutely.  But my cavalier attitude toward "settling down", got in the way of it going where it was headed... MARRIAGE.   This particular guy decided to give up on us because I had left him so many times before.  We were young when we first dated.  And I would leave him and come back several times over eight years.  When things finally got serious for us, I had a lot going on in my life and I needed to take a break.  He felt I was just leaving AGAIN...and this time he was not going to take me back.  So all of our marriage plans and life together was gone.  POOF!

At that point, I had to take inventory.  So, I went back over my life, and realized I was a player.  Even though, I did not originally see myself as such.  I spoke to some of the guys I dated in the past, and they surely did.  Even though none really held grudges.  They just did not understand why I would not commit.  So I had to apologize and express some things to them, that I did not understand about myself. 

I never wanted to feel "captured." LOL.  So to speak.  I never wanted anyone to tell me what to do or how to do it.  I never wanted anyone to have expectations of me and demand they be met.  I just wanted to be free.  Part of that may come from my very strict upbringing (I'm sure a lot of it does.) But in one aspect of my life, I wanted complete control. 

And with dating, I had complete control.  PERIOD.  I rarely had situations where guys did not want to commit to me.  Usually, just the opposite.  I have not dealt with a lot of issues I hear from other people, because I always operated on a "two and a possible" philosophy.  Meaning I could date a guy, have one waiting in the wings (2) and possibly meet someone else.  My homeboy, Shel, always gets a kick out of that line "two and a possible" and says I sound just like his homeboys...which is a shame. LOL

But now, as I get older, that type of dating is no longer fun for me.  Well, I cannot say it is not fun.  I can say, I am tired.  You cannot actively go out with different people like that when you have responsibilities, and when you have old age facing you. LOL.  Is it wrong that I don't wanna be a player no more, partly because I'm getting older?  I mean, I have always valued relationships.  I support marriage fiercely.  I love love.  I was just having fun with dating.  I have always been honest, loyal, and supportive.  I am great in relationships.  Sure I have flaws, but if you ask a couple of my exes, they would say I am a great girlfriend.  (One is probably reading this now...) But while I was having fun, I was also hurting guys who were not in it just to have fun.  I realized my faults, and took time off from dating.  So these past couple of years have been time for me to self-reflect.  To make amends.  To resolve some issues.  To take care of business.  To seek forgiveness.  To grow up.

People always assume the wrong things about my relationship status.  Some think I'm fast and loose with my homeboys... NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH!!!  Some think I'm this stereotypical Professional Black Woman... Others think I'm TAKEN.  And I understand why people think those things.  I never tell them otherwise, and I'm usually tight lipped about my relationship status.

Well today, I will let the world know.  My name is CM, I am single, AND READY TO SETTLE DOWN.