Do not date someone you want to marry
Let's face it, dating is not what it used to be for a lot of people.
These days, far too often, dating has become the period of time people spend together before they jump in bed. Afterwards, it is the period of time people spend together before they take the condom off and have unprotected sex.
A Guy asks:
LADIES: Why do you choose NOT to keep your legs closed to men BEFORE marriage?
ANSWERS:
- AS: Good question but I dont have an answer but I can ask the same of men why not keep it in your pants before marriage
- MD: Who the hell do that? Why marry someone u don't truly know? Like buying a car without test driving it...
- AS: Bad anology MD try another
- TM: You always ask women why can't thay keep there legs closed But you never ever here them ask men why they can't keep it in there pants I think if you do ask men that question Maybe women will keep they legs closed
Women responded according to what they have experienced. If they run into guys like MD, who will not even consider them without sex being involved, they can either drop their draws or find someone else.
Often folks create fictitious bonds that are generally not honored, build hopes and dreams on shaky foundations, and stay just because they are comfortable.
Dating these days confuses people...like this lady who asks:
Question. ...Why do some guys chase a woman, get her attention, get her to return the same like in him that he has for her, just to pull back and have her start chasing him?....doesn't make much since to me...ijs
In the meantime, feelings get hurt, STDs are passed, children are born, and marriages don't take place.
My question is: Why are you committing yourself to someone without any bonds of commitment? One of my homeboys once said: God does not honor boyfriend and girlfriend relationships.
I tend to agree with him. Think about it...what exactly does it mean to be a boyfriend or girlfriend? You're a male who has a friendship with a female or vice versa? It certainly does not provide nary a legal or spiritual protection.
Boyfriend-Girlfriend is a pseudo commitment for people who want to be married. Getting to know someone should not have all kinds of drama and hysterics with it. The "crazy" enters relationships when they are on shaky ground to begin with. Insecurities breed all types of mess. When someone is not solidly committed, they are very insecure.
So if you want to marry someone, do not "date" him or her long term. Dating is a playful period. Marriage is serious business.
Let me break it down...
Dating like other cultures
People often scoff at folks who have arranged marriages and frown upon dating, but there can be a lot learned from them.
With arranged marriages, the potential spouse is thoroughly investigated and proven to the elders of the family before a marriage is allowed to take place.
I actually had this discussion with Dr. Dar, who is of Indian descent. In some cultures arranged marriages are very restrictive and dating is unheard of. I had a friend, when I was back in Durham, who was going through the process of having a husband selected for her. Her culture did not have the concept of dating at all. Yet she still went through a courtship period where she could decide whether or not to marry the guy.
But she wanted to date though. LOL. It is funny how you can live your life in one particular culture and think the grass is greener on the other side. Maybe a little blending of both cultures would work. Dating is fun, and should be low pressure. Your life should not be caught up in dating somebody. Courting is the serious thing when you're leading to marriage, right?
Commitment bonds
You cannot cheat on a boyfriend or girlfriend. How can you, when at any moment you can decide you do not want to be with that person and it is over? No court case. No paperwork. No repentance. Just done.
There's no such thing as committing adultery when you're not solemnly committed. Before you go all crazy on me for this...I am talking to people who want to get married. If marriage is what you want, why play house and play commitment without at least an engagement and a wedding date?
Labeling someone your boyfriend or girlfriend does not mean a thing to other people. Let's just be real. "Boyfriend" does not give the next chick pause when she considers entertaining your dude. (Shoot, it is hard these days for "husband" or "wife" to give some skeezers and jack-legs pause...) But at the least hearing this is your "fiance" will make someone with a little bit of a moral compass take a step back.
Why waste time?
Some folks say, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket..." I will say, don't entertain temporary for too long.
Personally, I feel dating is the time to get to know a person. Nothing says you have to get to know one person at a time, nor does anything say you have to open your legs to anybody. IJS...
I do not feel that dating anyone is a waste of time. You learn from every relationship. I do feel that locking yourself in with one person who is not your spouse is a colossal waste of time, if you want to be married.
If the peak of your relationship desire is to have a long term commitment with a non-spouse, so be it. If it is not, don't get caught up in it.
Don't force it
You have to realize every person you entertain or see is not going to be your life mate. There are just too many variables when it comes to people. So why act like they are? So what you like this chick...does not mean you should marry her.
So what you've been "together" for x amount of years? Does not mean you should continue being "together".
I think too often some dudes (and chicks) look at marriage as a reward for a woman sticking around through mess. Or for a long term pseudo-commitment. As a matter of fact, I have seen it written and heard it spoken "If she can last through all I've put her through, she deserves this ring..." WTH?! LOL
So her reward for you treating her like crap is to have your crap-treating behind as a husband with legal rights and responsibilities? Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaah buddy!
How about finding a woman who you do not want to treat like crap, treating her well, and marrying her? Don't force it with someone you really do not want anyway. Don't turn her reward into your punishment.
Oh and not to let the ladies off the hook. Why are you trying to make someone be your husband. Walking around calling yourself his wife and setting up shop in his home as though you're on the mortgage? But you've only known this dude for three weeks, and out of those three weeks, you've seen him four times, and slept with him every time? No ma'am.
Change the game
Yes, this was long-winded. But hopefully it made sense. Dating should be a pleasurable experience, not something filled with emotional turmoil and craziness. Courtship should be the beginning stages of marriage. At that point you've gone through getting to know the person, deemed them worthy of marriage, and now you're building together.
But do not commit to someone you are just dating. For what? That does not even make sense. If this person is just a ____friend, treat them like a friend. Enjoy your time together, but keep the options open for someone who will become a spouse, not a playmate.
Am I wrong?
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