#14 What he said: A conversation with my guy friend.
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| Photo from: SurvivingDating.com |
How I know him: He followed me on Twitter
Today's topic: The confessions of a bitter Black man.
From BB: I don't remember when I wrote Nice Guy Syndrome, at least since 2005 b/c of
a particular reference I made. But this should give you good idea of my thoughts on subject:
Nice Guy Syndrome
I am sitting here starting and pondering what it is that is in me that makes
me this way. Why since my birth has words of gratitude, fortune and
dedication ended in nothing but solitude. To hear, "You really are a good
man." While they are plotting leaving my arms to go to his arms is an
affliction that I have not yet been able to cure. I used to tell myself, and
you may think it too, that being a good man doesn't mean that I am the man
for her. That is, until her became her, her, her, her and her. If love was a
river, I would find myself standing on the bank of its shores watching the
water go by. Once in a while I take a dip and remember that the currents are
much too great for me. So what is the point when the result will be the
same? "You really are too good for me." The last one says. I heard that one
too. As if goodness is something measured by time placed in a cup and the
cup runneth over. How much sense does that make? You're too good for me? Like
she is running a marathon of goodness and after 5 miles started counting and
say okay that is enough.
My personality is a plague onto me. To see, hear, listen and touch, which is
often destined to be mine only to find . . . That I am kissing rented lips.
I thought I was, no that we were purchasing a future...our future. Only to
discover that I was just keeping the seat warm for a guy, who doesn't even
exist. They tell me he has cheated, he has lied and stole parts of her soul
and sold it on eBay. At that point, she'll come running to me but not to be
with me but for me to hold her and listen to her tears. And I continue to do
so. For that is what a nice guy does. And although I despise the label, I
still feel honored bound to live up to the title...friend.
As a true friend, I suspect I am required to divorce my emotions and listen
to you talk about a man one tenth my size and give you advice, which
intervenes with the desires of my heart.
Tell me how can you start something that has already ended? I am made to be
a babysitter watching over you and nursing you until he comes back. What am
I paid for my services? Often it is just the fact that I get a mere glimpse
of your soul, maybe occasionally kiss your lips. I am a gentleman defined by
that which the world knows nothing of. I often said chivalry always seemed
nice in a book.
Me: We were talking about you working in an industry that caters to people in love, but you brought up the fact that you're discontent in that department. What gives?
BB: I've had string of bad relationships, failed attempts. I feel like a string of R&B songs put together.
Me: You actually labeled yourself "bitter black man". Explain what you meant by that.
BB: I had an epiphany while listening to a friend and several females on twitter talk about the lack of "good men" Being bitter about string of bad relationships, failed attempts. My epiphany was that I too was bitter, b/c as I read and heard about their woes I couldn't help but occasionally say to myself, "umm hello." I was sad that I was not even considered an option. Even if I didn't want to be an option.
Me: Was there a time that you were happy and in love?
BB: Yes I can say I was truly in love twice. The first we couldn't agree on a timeline to get married and ultimately she left because of that. Kind of glad b/c found out she was cheating. The second we broke up b/c she loved my heart but wasn't physically attracted to me. Which has often been story of my life.
Me: What caused the bitterness? Do you know?
BB: Tired of being rejected for person I am. Tired of being good enough to be the good friend or temp sex toy until she finds something better. Started in middle school actually. I realized I knew so much about women b/c they would friend me to get close to my friends. Or use me b/c I would actually listen to them. Fast forward till today I still hear the same issues. I love how smart you are, you make me laugh, yes the sex was good but....
And to me it isn't as if I am ugly. I am not really short or really overweight. I am just average to above average. And in general psychology will tell you that we are not conditioned to mate with average unless it is a last resort. We all (including myself) have this image of perfect mate. But women have been
conditioned to follow that come hell or high water. And for some part for good reasons.
A woman who could have any man often amazes me with the sadness of their tale
Their journeys from heartache to heart ache, I see written on their bodies
Knowing that the concept of love is opaque to some brothers as the night
Some men don't have the common sense to know that the head they are thinking with it not big enough to make decisions.
Yes it is a tragic tale few are often plagued to hear
And yes even sometimes cursed to follow
So what amazes me most is a Nubian queen who thinks she could turn a knight into a king
Yes he looks good in his shining amour
He carries a big sword and rides a great horse
But when you get him alone and finally get him to remove his cloak of amour
You are surprised you found a belittled man
Then you are quick to proclaim all men are not worthy
When all along it was the peasant who made sure you had food
Who cleaned after you, keep your secrets, and secretly gave his life for you
It is a story all too common; You blame a man who really wasn't a man to begin with
When you should have blamed your eyes
Me: I know when we spoke a while back you said you weren't dating. Do you think you'll ever date again, or have you completely given up?
BB: I come to believe that it will happen if it happens. Don't get me wrong, I go out from time to time I may inquire from time to time but for most part I am married to my work and my family. But you won't find me actively pursuing someone or checking to see how I can get into her pants.
Me: Do you think your bitterness scares women away?
BB: Yes just as a woman's bitterness drives men away. But I would say what recently drives them off is the standoffish nature that is if they are interested to begin with. Because again, I am too good of a friend.
Me: I don't think you're really happy being bitter. I think you're unhappy with your current circumstances, so you use the bitterness as a cover. Am I wrong?
BB: I don't think anyone is truly happy with being "bitter" To me this is recognizing why I resist what I do. I am doing what I wish I a lot of women and men: bitter, self absorbed, sex fiends, etc would do. Recognize, define, and communicate their soul, concerns and fears. I am bitter b/c of what years of relationships have done to me.
IF I ever meet her I need to let that go. There was truly a point in my life that I could say I had intimacy issues. And it came from what I saw at the time a lifetime of significant people dying and relationship rejection. While I still fear rejection I can say it doesn't drive me. I honestly just don't want to deal. I am stuck some place between dealing with reality of my current situation and just simply giving up.
Me: How do you feel when you're dealing with clients who are so in love?
BB: I am really happy for them, and in some occasions it gives me hope. I love to see how they interact, talk to each other, hold each other. It truly warms my heart.
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"Make it happen, don't just happen to make it"