Is Marriage for White people, asks Black Professor married to a Black woman



"Is Marriage for White People" by Ralph Richard Banks, explores the dynamics of the Black middle class.  He was on Tom Joyner the other morning discussing the book with Jacque Reid.  He is a law professor at Stanford married to Dr. Jennifer Eberhardt, a Black associate professor of psychology at Harvard. (more after the jump...)



Dr. Eberhardt



So yes, he's married to a sista!  When I heard him talk to Jacque Reid I was put off. Not so much by him, but by her.  I am sick and tired of seeing her on all these "I can't find a man" shows.  It never seems that she takes inventory of herself, her attitude, her own issues.  She seems to blame, blame, blame and point fingers.  If I never hear her screech about Black men not wanting Black women again, it will be too soon.  IF you feel unwanted...you will be unwanted.  (As a man thinketh, therefore he is...)

Professor Banks

I haven't read the book yet.  I think I will.  I made a mistake once about a book that I refused to read based on my perception of the author.  And I'm actually going to read that book as well.  I'll discuss that later in another blog post.

My initial reaction to most things is to judge and then overcome or solidify the judgment. 

There are some things the law professor has said in interviews that make my blood boil.  Truth be told. But I do not think he's coming from a negative place on the whole.  His concern is for a certain segment of women.  Black, educated, career oriented women, who hold fast to the desire to marry like minded Black men. 

Sistas do get looked over for less attractive, less accomplished, less "got her stuff together" women all the time.  Sistas are overwhelmingly loyal to keeping marriage between a Black woman and a Black man, apparently.  I actually heard a sista say once that she doesn't care how trifling a brotha is she will always go for that brotha.  Now that's just stupid to me...but hey!  And I often hear brothas talk about being with someone other than a Black woman as akin to Indiana Jones finding the Holy Grail.  Take for example this episode in the life and times of me, CM:

The other day I was in Ross (one of my go to stores) and the young brotha at the register asks me: Where are you from? I say here.  He said really? With a confused look on his face.  I said ummm yeah.  He said oh are you mixed? (is that something you actually ask people? WTH?) My face contorts and I say mixed? Huh? Mixed with what? No. I have two Black parents.  He says, but your eyes are hazel and...goes into this dissection of my phenotypic traits..THEN he goes on to say "Oh my girlfriend is White" with a gleam in his eye and broad smile. "And she is ready to have children! I cannot wait.  Mixed kids get that nice curly hair and they get light eyes...and..." So by this time I'm already into Angela Davis mode and I flip in a very controlled, matter of fact, cussing you out without cussing way...I say well you do know Black people come in all shades, eye colors and hair textures don't you? He says well I'm from St. Croix and...I say well I'm sure they have Black folks of all types there too. And again. I am not mixed, but I'm sure some of your girlfriend's ancestors were creeping in my ancestors quarters taking advantage of the women...so maybe that explains it...took my receipt and waltzed off...
Now, I used to be one of those women who seethed when I saw a brotha with a non-black woman, truth be told. But over time I decided to live and let live. Choose who you choose. Love who you love.  Do you, just don't down me while you do it, and we'll be cool. However, moments like this one do kinda push me back to that moment in time.  People who speak about being Black as though it is some type of diminutive position piss me off!!!!! But surely I digress...

If the only Black men you come across are those who worship anything non-Black, you would be bitter too! Who wouldn't be? Someone who repeatedly tells you that you're less than would send anyone into a dark homicidal depression!  That is why I encourage people to find positives to counter the negatives.  Always look for positive influences.  If you have not found any, you need to make some moves or changes...

The major premise of the message from the book, I have an issue with is that there is a lack of marriage worthy Black men available. The secondary issue is the notion that a person's resume makes him/her marriage material. HA!

As someone who happens to fall into the stigmatized category of unmarried, professional, childless, Black woman who loves Black men, I want to say a few things.

I'm not unmarried because I had no men available to marry. Nope.  I have dated a plethora of wonderful marriage worthy men, who were ready to marry ME.  But I wasn't ready to marry anyone.  Some with degrees, some without.  I'm unmarried for several reasons.  One main reason that a lot of people will never admit, is that I had issues.  I had issues with the idea of settling down.  I had issues from my past that I had to work out.  I had issues with commitment.  I had very stringent aesthetic desires.  I had other things I wanted more than marriage and a family. 

I won't deny that the vision of an ideal Black man that I wanted is rare to find, but that does not mean there are not enough Black men available for marriage.  It just means I've had to reevaluate my value system.  Scale back on my aesthetic wants and look more toward my needs, sprinkled with some wants (let me tell you, all that is not gone, nor should it be! LOL).

Plenty of sistas I know, who fall into the same category, are unmarried for reasons other than no men were available to marry.  Some are unmarried because:

• They bought into superficial ideals of what a man should be. 
• They looked for a "spark" instead of a mate when dating.  
• They have ISSUES and refuse to acknowledge them.  
• They couldn't work out relationship issues with the men who were there to marry them. 
• They feel resumes make a man, and got burned by the man with a resume who lacked character. 

I have two older brothers who are both degreed, one with his EdD and married to Black women who are degreed. My sister is degreed with her masters and married to a degreed Black man. 

I've also gone to weddings of degreed folks marrying non-degreed folks...and they are all doing as well or better than the degreed folks who are married. 

As I said on Twitter this morning:

Let me tell ya. I went to college and law school. There were dysfunctional people all up and through both! LOL Degrees don't build character.

Your resume helps you get a job. Your character helps you develop relationships.

Anyway, I'm going to read the book.  What about you? What are your thoughts on the subject matter?