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They are going to do it anyway

I heard this on the radio yesterday and it blew my mind. You can read the rest of the letter on The Doug Banks Show website.  (keep reading for the letter...)

Dear Doug,

My husband and I are going at it. He thinks it’s okay to let our 15-year-old son watch porn. I ain’t trying to have it, especially not in my house. Plus, I seem to recall a few years ago when I wanted to put my then 17-year-old daughter on birth control...

Boys ain’t gon’ be boys in my house

I know I was raised very differently than a lot of people.  I have come to accept that as a fact.  In some ways it was better, in some ways not so much.  Each parent has his/her own parenting style. 

photo from
I'm not a parent.  However, I work with kids (and adults) who obviously lacked good parenting.  Some just lacked good judgment despite the parenting.

Something I NEVER understood was: They are going to do it anyway.  Huh? I know times have changed and kids are inundated with images of sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.  But does that mean parents stop parenting and start allowing everything outside the house to dictate how they raise their children?

I have spoken with so many guys (who have multiple children) whose parents took this lackadaisical approach to parenting.  And all of them have said the same thing: "I wasn't even thinking about sex like that when I started, but everybody around me pushed it, and when I tried I couldn't stop."  Aren't parents supposed to provide counter messages to what everyone else provides to their children? I mean who is the parent?  Are the friends/peers the parents?  Are the music artists, TV shows, and entertainers the parents?

So your child comes to you about the natural urges he/she is having...and you go straight into providing them with means and methods to go fulfill the urges without even considering that MAYBE just MAYBE a discussion about what the urges are, that it merely means they are growing into adulthood.  That it happens at a time when the body grows and maturity happens, coupled with other discussions about love, maturity, relationships, etc might be the route?  Instead you go get them porn, condoms and birth control? What in the ENTIRE world?! 

Who taught that type of parenting? There is one thing when your child sneaks around and does things WITHOUT your permission.  There is a whole other situation when you condone it and provide them the road map.

Let me see how this type of parenting has worked.  All of these people want you to liberate your child and provide them with tools of sex (condoms, birth control etc.), but has that actually cut down on pregnancies? Has it stopped the spread of HIV and AIDS in teenagers?  No? Oh ok.

I'm not saying NEVER talk to them about those things, but the way you bring it up will determine how the information is used.  Kids lack the judgment necessary to make what should be ADULT decisions. Their brains are not fully developed until they are 25!

So giving them condoms clearly does not mean they will use them.  Putting her on birth control does not mean she will take them all of the time.  Even back in the day, the girls I knew who had very liberal parents were the ones who were sporting swollen bellies at graduation.

I'm just saying.  What happened to training a child in the way they SHOULD go.  SHOULD does not mean they will, but at least it sets a standard. What happened to wanting what is best for your child?

If you want to have The TALK with your child check out this book I wrote: 100 Common Sense Dating Tips.


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