#16 What he said: A conversation with my guy friend.
Me: Why did you get married?
UMG: Because she was pregnant.
Me: What led you to that decision? A lot of people don't get married, they just go ahead with the pregnancy, and just raise the child separately.
UMG: Growing up without a father in my life, I didn't want my child to go through the same thing, And I thought the only way to be a father was to be there with the mother.
Me: Have you since changed your mind about that? That you can be a good father without the mom?
UMG: Yeah. I learned that I could do more harm than good, being there if the foundation of the marriage is not right.
Me: Before this, how did you feel about marriage?
UMG: I just believed in the institution of marriage. I just believed in having a great support system. It is something that every man needs to have a complete life. I've never seen a president without a wife. He always has a first lady. Now that would be funny. A single president. He's out at the strip club. Up on the stage with all his boys...
Me: (hahahaha!!!) How do you feel about choosing to get married since she got pregnant?
UMG: I know now that I made a mistake. I never based the marriage on her. I made it about the child. I now realized the marriage has nothing to do with the child, it has everything to do with you and the companion.
Me: Have you done anything to try to build the relationship between the two of you?
UMG: I've done various types of counseling, retreats, getting a stronger relationship with God. Asking for guidance from God in those areas. Done everything I can. Reached out to all of my support for ideas and ways to improve my marriage.
Me: What if anything has she done?
UMG: Well she's participated in those meetings. She's been a willing participant. But never one to initiate anything.
Me: Do you think either one of you could have done more?
UMG: I think we could have worked on being friends with each other, before being married. I feel like if we could have been friends with each other, listened, and put aside the pressures of pregnancy. We would have realized we both weren't ready for marriage.
Me: What exactly makes the relationship unhappy?
UMG: The fact that we have no friendship. It's empty between us. At the end of the day it's like you don't have a companion there. It's kinda like you're married to a roommate. The friendship, that's the biggest thing.
Being married and listening to a lot of people. I mean no marriage is perfect. I mean the ones that stay married they tend to have a friendship. It's like that's that glue in their marriage. Their friendship.
Me: You know what? I've heard that before.
UMG: You know what. Recently I realized, I've only been a boyfriend to a lot of women, I've never been that friend. You know when you're friends it doesn't matter what you go through. You're always going to think about that friendship. Like you can go for a year without speaking to the person and know that you are still friends. It's that bond.
Me: I totally feel you. Because I have had that before. I realize that I compartmentalize guys into friend or other. And but for one time, I've not had a friendship with guys I dated. And the one time I did it was difficult for me to get over the relationship because we were friends.
UMG: Yeah. It's not like being friends with a person, you have to force anything. You just are. You don't feel pressured to do certain things, you just do them because you want to. But when you're just dating, it is like you force yourself to get to know the person. Everything is forced, so the friendship doesn't form. You know her tendencies, and she knows yours when you are friends. When you aren't friends it is being forced on you.
If my mate and I were friends, and say I told her "Well I'm going out to the strip club with the boys." She'd say something like "well I don't know if that's a good idea, you know how you get when you..." And I'd think, you know what? You're right. So yeah, I think I'm going to sit this one out. Now when we're not friends it is like everything is addressed like I'm a child. Like I have to call to check in. I have a curfew. Not just that I want to stay out or whatever. But just that if we were friends and I go out, I would call just to let you know where I am and when I'll be home. But when we don't have that, and you treat me like a child, it just feels like I'm trapped. And being told what to do.
Me: Like it's punishment, right?
UMG: Exactly!
Me: Was that the core problem that y'all had?
UMG: That wasn't the core problem. The core problem was that we married each other for our kid. We married each other hoping that the other person would change. She hoped I would changed. I hoped she would changed. When we got married, we lied in front of everybody saying I do. I do means I accept you for all of who you are right now. We said I do, hoping that the things would change. And it did. It got worse.
Me: So now, where do you feel like you are?
UMG: I'm banging down the divorce court door. I feel like I did the institution of marriage an injustice. I feel like the way my marriage is, and the way we carry ourselves in our marriage, will mess someone else up and discourage them from getting their blessing. It is like we lied. That we lied in our vows to God.
Me: Has the joy you used to have before you got married, about getting married, gone away?
UMG: I understand that I was married, but I didn't have a wife. I'm still eager to find my wife.
Me: What do you mean by that?
UMG: Like I told you. I mean all the reasons you're supposed to be married, are not the reasons we decided to get married. I mean the true reasons. When I got married the foundation was doomed to fail. I didn't get married to someone that I loved, that I wanted to love. I didn't give marriage, that God intended, a chance. We were wrong and we're still wrong.
Me: Is there anything you would tell people who were in the situation?
UMG: Don't walk away from a marriage until you've done everything you thought you would do. And then don't walk away until you've done everything you never thought you would do. And before you leave, think about the decision as it will affect your whole family. Not just yourself.
Me: Anything else you want to add?
UMG: Before you get married be fair to the other person. Allow them to see you for who you really are. Because at the end of the day, who you really are is going to come to light.
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| Photo from Ocala Divorce Lawyer Blog |
Today's Guy: Unhappily Married Guy
How long I've known him: a long time
Today's topic: How it feels to be in an unhappy marriage.
I've seemingly had this discussion with a few guys. About marriage and being unhappy for a myriad of reasons. And anyone will tell you, I do not believe in divorce. I'm the one they come to knowing, I will try to find ways to help them work the marriage out and to stay in it. For me marriage is sacred. It is, however, difficult to see a friend go through the pains of an unhappy marriage. Especially when that friend was always so in love with the notion of marriage and family. So today that's what the conversation is about. Check out the ebook for a more in depth discussion of this topic.)
Me: Why did you get married?
UMG: Because she was pregnant.
Me: What led you to that decision? A lot of people don't get married, they just go ahead with the pregnancy, and just raise the child separately.
UMG: Growing up without a father in my life, I didn't want my child to go through the same thing, And I thought the only way to be a father was to be there with the mother.
Me: Have you since changed your mind about that? That you can be a good father without the mom?
UMG: Yeah. I learned that I could do more harm than good, being there if the foundation of the marriage is not right.
Me: Before this, how did you feel about marriage?
UMG: I just believed in the institution of marriage. I just believed in having a great support system. It is something that every man needs to have a complete life. I've never seen a president without a wife. He always has a first lady. Now that would be funny. A single president. He's out at the strip club. Up on the stage with all his boys...
Me: (hahahaha!!!) How do you feel about choosing to get married since she got pregnant?
UMG: I know now that I made a mistake. I never based the marriage on her. I made it about the child. I now realized the marriage has nothing to do with the child, it has everything to do with you and the companion.
Me: Have you done anything to try to build the relationship between the two of you?
UMG: I've done various types of counseling, retreats, getting a stronger relationship with God. Asking for guidance from God in those areas. Done everything I can. Reached out to all of my support for ideas and ways to improve my marriage.
Me: What if anything has she done?
UMG: Well she's participated in those meetings. She's been a willing participant. But never one to initiate anything.
Me: Do you think either one of you could have done more?
UMG: I think we could have worked on being friends with each other, before being married. I feel like if we could have been friends with each other, listened, and put aside the pressures of pregnancy. We would have realized we both weren't ready for marriage.
Me: What exactly makes the relationship unhappy?
UMG: The fact that we have no friendship. It's empty between us. At the end of the day it's like you don't have a companion there. It's kinda like you're married to a roommate. The friendship, that's the biggest thing.
Being married and listening to a lot of people. I mean no marriage is perfect. I mean the ones that stay married they tend to have a friendship. It's like that's that glue in their marriage. Their friendship.
Me: You know what? I've heard that before.
UMG: You know what. Recently I realized, I've only been a boyfriend to a lot of women, I've never been that friend. You know when you're friends it doesn't matter what you go through. You're always going to think about that friendship. Like you can go for a year without speaking to the person and know that you are still friends. It's that bond.
Me: I totally feel you. Because I have had that before. I realize that I compartmentalize guys into friend or other. And but for one time, I've not had a friendship with guys I dated. And the one time I did it was difficult for me to get over the relationship because we were friends.
UMG: Yeah. It's not like being friends with a person, you have to force anything. You just are. You don't feel pressured to do certain things, you just do them because you want to. But when you're just dating, it is like you force yourself to get to know the person. Everything is forced, so the friendship doesn't form. You know her tendencies, and she knows yours when you are friends. When you aren't friends it is being forced on you.
If my mate and I were friends, and say I told her "Well I'm going out to the strip club with the boys." She'd say something like "well I don't know if that's a good idea, you know how you get when you..." And I'd think, you know what? You're right. So yeah, I think I'm going to sit this one out. Now when we're not friends it is like everything is addressed like I'm a child. Like I have to call to check in. I have a curfew. Not just that I want to stay out or whatever. But just that if we were friends and I go out, I would call just to let you know where I am and when I'll be home. But when we don't have that, and you treat me like a child, it just feels like I'm trapped. And being told what to do.
Me: Like it's punishment, right?
UMG: Exactly!
Me: Was that the core problem that y'all had?
UMG: That wasn't the core problem. The core problem was that we married each other for our kid. We married each other hoping that the other person would change. She hoped I would changed. I hoped she would changed. When we got married, we lied in front of everybody saying I do. I do means I accept you for all of who you are right now. We said I do, hoping that the things would change. And it did. It got worse.
Me: So now, where do you feel like you are?
UMG: I'm banging down the divorce court door. I feel like I did the institution of marriage an injustice. I feel like the way my marriage is, and the way we carry ourselves in our marriage, will mess someone else up and discourage them from getting their blessing. It is like we lied. That we lied in our vows to God.
Me: Has the joy you used to have before you got married, about getting married, gone away?
UMG: I understand that I was married, but I didn't have a wife. I'm still eager to find my wife.
Me: What do you mean by that?
UMG: Like I told you. I mean all the reasons you're supposed to be married, are not the reasons we decided to get married. I mean the true reasons. When I got married the foundation was doomed to fail. I didn't get married to someone that I loved, that I wanted to love. I didn't give marriage, that God intended, a chance. We were wrong and we're still wrong.
Me: Is there anything you would tell people who were in the situation?
UMG: Don't walk away from a marriage until you've done everything you thought you would do. And then don't walk away until you've done everything you never thought you would do. And before you leave, think about the decision as it will affect your whole family. Not just yourself.
Me: Anything else you want to add?
UMG: Before you get married be fair to the other person. Allow them to see you for who you really are. Because at the end of the day, who you really are is going to come to light.
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