More reflections at dawn

So I'm up and there is an infomercial on about early eighties love ballads. LOL...Very interesting. I actually remember most of them, even though I was a little kid/toddler when they came out.

But anyway...that's not why I'm writing.  I'm writing because at these times in the morning I am usually in the midst of contemplation.

Thinking about the discussions I've had this past week.  The people I've come into contact with most recently.  The sermons I've heard.  All of that.

Last Sunday's sermon hit me so deeply.  The message focused on purpose over position.  Since I'm writing now, people have a certain perception of what I'm doing.  Many focus on the position.  I've been asked what my goals are, what do I want to do with this. People say "oh you're big time now..." and I look at them in confusion... LMBO.. Like what? Ummm...not hardly!

The truth is...it took me a long time to even write publicly.  And I don't have any goal for it, other than helping people.  I know my words can sometimes be as harsh as my demeanor, but the intention is never to hurt.  I sincerely see the beauty in people. I see the pain sometimes etched in painted or strong faces. I want to make it go away.  I know I can't help everybody...it isn't my place...but I want to be a positive part of the lives of people I meet.

And in my heart, I want people to live full and beneficial lives.  Lives that aren't filled with hurt and pain.  Lives that give the goodness that they have inside, to everyone around them.  I try to see both sides of a person's situation. I know that we are all capable of good and evil.  I've been wronged and I've wronged others.  So in most things I am able to argue both sides.  It irritates one of my homeboys.  He says I'm always playing devil's advocate. LOL. But I'm not!!! LMBO.  I'm just compassionate toward both parties in a given situation.

Anywhooo...my life has taken crazy turns, but it has me just where I feel I was intended to exist.  When I was a little kid, I always wanted to do something to help people. I never had a desire to be wealthy.  Didn't really care much about money.  I cared about love and happiness. (Not the Al Green song! Ha!)

I know you're probably rolling your eyes, like yeah right. But I'm serious.  It was over the years that people made me feel bad about not having things.  Bad about being poor.  Bad about merely existing. Then I began to care about stuff, material things, money, etc. Image became important.  I began living my life to prove other people wrong, instead of living the life God had purposed me to live.

When you start living for the approval of other people, you end up losing a lot of time, a lot of self esteem, and a lot of who you are as a person.  You make a lot of poor decisions, and you hurt a lot of people...especially yourself.  The day you are able to break free from that, you will find a peace like none you've ever experienced.

I'm at that place right now.  Trust me, it took a long tumultuous journey to get here. One plagued by hurts and pains, sadness and losses, depression and desperation.  But like Ms. Celie said, I'm here! Thank God, I'm here! LOL

So when you meet me, and you probably will (either physically or through some of the things I write), don't let my tough exterior and sassy personality fool you.  I may not care what you think of me, but I care deeply about you.  It's one of those nagging things I can't get rid of for some reason.  LOL.  I just love people.