#18 What he said: A conversation with my guy friend.
Today's guy: C.G.
How long I've known him: 10 years
Today's Topic: How much about yourself/past should you reveal to a potential mate?
So I send out topic of the day via text, twitter and facebook. Last week there was a topic on how much of yourself you should share with someone who is a potential mate. There were a myriad of answers, but one stuck out. That's what led to today's conversation.
Me: Remember the other week when we spoke about what you should or shouldn't tell someone you're dating? So you said there are somethings best left behind?
C.G.: Left alone?
Me: Yeah.
C.G.: Or I guess you could say there are somethings best left in the past, I guess you could say that.
Me: So how do you decide what you should tell and what you shouldn't?
C.G.: I feel like it is subjective. I really feel like the key thing is relevance. When it comes to history, relevance. By relevance I mean, is it something that could potentially be significant to your present day situation. If it's not significant to your present day situation then it should be left in history.
Me: So who determines whether or not it's significant?
C.G.: You should determine whether or not it's significant. You should be open and honest, but then too, you should be able to determine whether or not something in your past is significant to your present day or not. Or okay, significant to what you bring to the table. Let me try to put it a different way. If it's not something that could potentially affect the other person in the present day then it should be left in the past.
Me: If the person holding the information is also the one who determines the significance, how is that really right when the other person doesn't know/
C.G.: Well an adult should be able to to determine whether or not it affects the other person. If it's something from your past that still effects you in the present day, then that is significant, then that is going to affect them too. Also too, if it is something from your past that is not still affecting you to this present day, but it is public knowledge, and that person may find out about it and it may spoil them, than that is significant too.
Me: Okay.
C.G.: For example, if you serve five years in prison as a teenager, because of some stupid stuff you did, but you're now 35, and you've flown straight. That's not affecting you in the present day. But that is still something that the person may be hit with.
Me: Right..right...right..
C.G.: But anything other than that should be left in history. Because there are too many things that a person will have to navigate about you as a person today, than to have to be bogged down by things in your history that doesn't affect you presently or is not public knowledge. I mean to me it just seems to me that it makes the situation more difficult than it has to be, because getting to know someone is difficult as it is. Let alone having to deal with some things in the history that makes no never mind in the grand scheme of things.
Me: I guess to me I say just tell everything and there will be no questions later. What do you think is wrong with that?
C.G.: I think for me it may destroy y'all getting to know each other. I think too that may cause something down the line and that person may have cared about you. Especially when it has no real baring on the situation. Maybe some of that they would have never found out if you hadn't told them. You have to keep in mind about the average person, the average person can only handle but so much information, initially. Especially if some of it might be a little shaky. But why add in the shaky stuff it has no bearing on the situation going forward? Because everybody has a past.
As far as I'm concerned, the only parts of your past that I really need to know, are the parts that still have affects on you. Or that may be something big from your history that I can get blind sided with. But besides that, I don't NEED to know your history. We all have history, a lot of things have happened that we don't even want to think about anymore. Or have anyone else think about us.
Me: For those things that still affect you, at what point do you tell the person about them?
C.G.: It depends on what it is, and it depends on how far along y'all are in the situation. Let's say for example, molestation. That's still something that could affect someone to the present day. That's something you talk about when you're on the brink of something serious. If y'all aren't there, that isn't something you really need to tell a person about. Now if y'all are on the brink of something serious and it still affects you, then yeah, I think at that point you need to sit down and talk about how it affects you. I think people should be on a need to know basis.
If you're just dating, I don't feel like it is that person's business then. I mean you're just dating, and dating is can change with the wind. You can date someone one week and then like with the wind they can be with someone else. And if you aren't that close, they may go publicize some stuff you didn't want to become public knowledge.
The conversation continued thereafter...about being an open book and not hiding things. A favorite statement from C.G. "I'm not hiding anything from you, it's just at this point it wasn't any of your business." The main thing is, that you tell those things which are necessary at the time and level that is right.
Today's guy: C.G.
How long I've known him: 10 years
Today's Topic: How much about yourself/past should you reveal to a potential mate?
So I send out topic of the day via text, twitter and facebook. Last week there was a topic on how much of yourself you should share with someone who is a potential mate. There were a myriad of answers, but one stuck out. That's what led to today's conversation.
Me: Remember the other week when we spoke about what you should or shouldn't tell someone you're dating? So you said there are somethings best left behind?
C.G.: Left alone?
Me: Yeah.
C.G.: Or I guess you could say there are somethings best left in the past, I guess you could say that.
Me: So how do you decide what you should tell and what you shouldn't?
C.G.: I feel like it is subjective. I really feel like the key thing is relevance. When it comes to history, relevance. By relevance I mean, is it something that could potentially be significant to your present day situation. If it's not significant to your present day situation then it should be left in history.
Me: So who determines whether or not it's significant?
C.G.: You should determine whether or not it's significant. You should be open and honest, but then too, you should be able to determine whether or not something in your past is significant to your present day or not. Or okay, significant to what you bring to the table. Let me try to put it a different way. If it's not something that could potentially affect the other person in the present day then it should be left in the past.
Me: If the person holding the information is also the one who determines the significance, how is that really right when the other person doesn't know/
C.G.: Well an adult should be able to to determine whether or not it affects the other person. If it's something from your past that still effects you in the present day, then that is significant, then that is going to affect them too. Also too, if it is something from your past that is not still affecting you to this present day, but it is public knowledge, and that person may find out about it and it may spoil them, than that is significant too.
Me: Okay.
C.G.: For example, if you serve five years in prison as a teenager, because of some stupid stuff you did, but you're now 35, and you've flown straight. That's not affecting you in the present day. But that is still something that the person may be hit with.
Me: Right..right...right..
C.G.: But anything other than that should be left in history. Because there are too many things that a person will have to navigate about you as a person today, than to have to be bogged down by things in your history that doesn't affect you presently or is not public knowledge. I mean to me it just seems to me that it makes the situation more difficult than it has to be, because getting to know someone is difficult as it is. Let alone having to deal with some things in the history that makes no never mind in the grand scheme of things.
Me: I guess to me I say just tell everything and there will be no questions later. What do you think is wrong with that?
C.G.: I think for me it may destroy y'all getting to know each other. I think too that may cause something down the line and that person may have cared about you. Especially when it has no real baring on the situation. Maybe some of that they would have never found out if you hadn't told them. You have to keep in mind about the average person, the average person can only handle but so much information, initially. Especially if some of it might be a little shaky. But why add in the shaky stuff it has no bearing on the situation going forward? Because everybody has a past.
As far as I'm concerned, the only parts of your past that I really need to know, are the parts that still have affects on you. Or that may be something big from your history that I can get blind sided with. But besides that, I don't NEED to know your history. We all have history, a lot of things have happened that we don't even want to think about anymore. Or have anyone else think about us.
Me: For those things that still affect you, at what point do you tell the person about them?
C.G.: It depends on what it is, and it depends on how far along y'all are in the situation. Let's say for example, molestation. That's still something that could affect someone to the present day. That's something you talk about when you're on the brink of something serious. If y'all aren't there, that isn't something you really need to tell a person about. Now if y'all are on the brink of something serious and it still affects you, then yeah, I think at that point you need to sit down and talk about how it affects you. I think people should be on a need to know basis.
If you're just dating, I don't feel like it is that person's business then. I mean you're just dating, and dating is can change with the wind. You can date someone one week and then like with the wind they can be with someone else. And if you aren't that close, they may go publicize some stuff you didn't want to become public knowledge.
The conversation continued thereafter...about being an open book and not hiding things. A favorite statement from C.G. "I'm not hiding anything from you, it's just at this point it wasn't any of your business." The main thing is, that you tell those things which are necessary at the time and level that is right.
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