Why are YOU married?

Amy Michelson wedding gown.

I just got the memo that being single is a disease.  I didn't quite know it was a disease.  But apparently it is an epidemic.  I mean it must be a disease, right?  Because everyone is trying to find a cure for it. 

The latest iteration of the search for a cure comes from Tracy McMillan's article in the Huffington Post: Why You're Not Married.  See, I suppose finding the root of the "problem" will lead to a cure... But maybe, just maybe being single isn't a disease at all.  Maybe the reason single people are single is because we respect marriage, unlike many of our married counterparts. 

As a matter of fact.  The real question for some of these people with all of the answers to cure our singledom is: Why are YOU married?  Oh but wait...I have the answer!

  1. You're unattractive and your options were slim.  Let's face it.  You're not that cute.  No one has ever beat down your door to get to spend time with you.  You've never had to wonder what you'll wear on a date, because no one asked.  Because of that, you were shocked when some poor slob paid you attention.   So as to preserve this feeling of an ugly duckling turning into a beautiful swan, you rushed to the alter!  I mean, you were not the one turning down offers to the prom.  People were surprised when you even showed up with someone who looked remotely human. So that ugly girl syndrome sent you limping like Quasimodo toward the chapel.  Your man was too afraid to marry the woman he really wanted because the competition was too stiff, so you were his fall back plan.  I mean who would really want to claim you as first choice? You give him stability, and hey that's better than actually caring.
  2. You have low self-esteem.  Because you fear being alone in your old age, and are generally a miserable person, you figured marriage was the only way out.  And your guy couldn't wait to marry you!  He needed a housekeeper and nursemaid for his brood.  You don't ask for anything, you merely exist to service him.  He gets to continue his relationships with all the other women he was with prior to hiring you, and you say nothing.  And on the nights when his other women are unavailable, you are there as a proverbial hand towel for his release.  But you have the ring, so you have one up on all those single chicks out there, thinking they are so dope with their flashy confidence and demands to be treated like a lady.
  3. You're a golddigger.   You barely have two cents to rub together, but you know how to get money from someone else.  There is no way in the world you could have ever taken care of yourself, so you found some poor schmuck to finance your lifestyle. Who cares about having an actual healthy relationship?  That marriage license is the key to his bank account, and you're more than happy to take advantage.  Seeing as you couldn't get a job eating pies in a pie factory, a man willing to give you all of his cash is so much better. So cha-CHING! The ring DID mean a thing!!
  4. You're manipulative.  Oh yeah, you are a great saleswoman.  You could get the devil to buy heat from you in the summer. That is how slick you are.  So what did you do?  You used those skills to trap a guy into marrying you.  You played the role of his dream woman long enough to get him to say I do, and put his name on the dotted line.  No sooner than the ink was dry, you became your true self: HIS WORST NIGHTMARE.   Oh but honey you did it!  You got him.  Probably even sealed the deal with a baby or two.  Congratulations!
  5. You still believe in fairytales.  Oh yes, one day your prince charming will come and sweep you off your feet.  Then you'll get married and have 2.5 children, a dog, a cat, a rabbit, a white picket fence and a house in a nice subdivision.  Everything about marriage is just like you see on those amazing romantic comedies.  There is no such thing as marital problems, erectile dysfunction, infertility, aging parents, nagging in-laws, job loss, children getting sick, work-life being unbalanced, bills, or arguments.  I mean all households are like the Cleavers.  So marriage is a piece of cake!  And by golly, you're ready to dive in!  Never mind the fact that you have issues that you're not willing to face.  Never mind that you have no real sense of the work it takes to sustain a healthy relationship.  Never mind that you barely know the person you married.  Everything will work out fine.
  6. You like weddings.  Hey, this isn't your first time at the rodeo.  For goodness sakes you've been down the aisle, across sandy beaches, to the Elvis Chapel in Vegas, the courthouse, your grandma's backyard, and any other place people were willing to gather to see you exchange vows for the umpteenth time.  You have a standing appointment for premarital counseling every 3-4 years.  You have no delusions that the marriage will last, it isn't even about that anyway.  You just like hearing wedding bells and having people throw rice at you.
  7. You're a bully.  Bridezilla on Oxygen features you and your kind every Sunday.  And oh joy, aren't you a piece of work.  You found some punk to bend to your will, and you make sure you let him know who is in charge.  It may have taken pure brute force, but you got his weak butt to diddy bop on down the aisle.  He knew if he didn't, he would have hell to pay.




Guess what?  Some single people are single because we value marriage more than a lot of you married people.  It is a shame what you do to the image of marriage.  You make marriage seem like a notch on your belt, a crown, or a label to make you better than or more important than people who have not yet entered into the bonds of matrimony.  Worse yet, you are piss poor examples of what marriage should be.

Some single people understand that marriage is about what two people can give to each other to build a strong union.  They know it is a blessing from their Creator, and meant to be treated as such.  They know that the time and situation for them to enter into such a union has not yet come, but they want to work on being ready when it does. 

*Side note* Read an interview with Tracy McMillan where she said she wrote the article because a lot of her friends aren't married at 35+ and realized they wanted to be.  So my question is...why have friends who are angry, slutty, shallow b*tches who lie, and who think they aren't good enough for anyone? Are her friends really this way? Or does she just not think too highly of them?

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