#27 What he said: A conversation with my guy friend

Today's Guy: Matthew Maher

How I know him:  Someone associated with him found me on Twitter

Today's Topic:  Matt's relationship with God and how his decisions changed his life

It was sometime last year that someone contacted me on Twitter about Matthew Maher's story.  Matt was a professional indoor soccer player in Pennsylvania.  After blowing out his knee in a game, he ended up partying one night with his friends.  He then decided to drink and drive.  That decision cost the life of Hort Kap, a Cambodian immigrant and factory worker, who was the father of six children. To read more about what happened, go here. 

I found Matthew's story interesting for several reasons. He and I had similar religious upbringing, I also blew out my knee playing a sport I loved (albeit I was far from a pro...it happened in high school), I have a relative I have visited in prison who I love dearly, and I have a friend who lost someone she loved due to the actions of a drunk driver. 

I wanted to know more about what led to the night that Hort Kap lost his life. I wanted to know what led to Matthew Maher's imprisonment. Most of all I wanted to share with my readers how one decision can send your life in a tailspin, but redemption can be yours. So Matthew and I corresponded through someone who works to get his story out.  I began my questions with this "I don't really want to solely talk about the accident, because I know you currently speak about it.  And it is a pain that may never leave you.  What I want to get into, is more focused on those things surrounding 'choices, decisions, consequences'."  He wrote me back from prison in Wrightstown, New Jersey.  What follows is his letter, that I've retyped...

Dear CM,


I pray this correspondence finds you well, and that my answers are helpful and insightful, but mainly that they impact the lives of many for God's glory.  I wish I were able to communicate with you verbally, but letter will have to do.  Thank you for taking the time to considermy story and for reaching out with these questions.  Let us begin... What he said:


1. When you were growing up, what were the foundations you had as they related to making good decisions?

I grew up in a strong Christian environment, where nightly Bible studies were common in my household.  From as earliest as I can remember, my parents stressed the importance of proper decision making.  My mother specifically taught me and my three older brothers the "Three R's"- Respect, Responsibility, Restraint.  With those three "R's" comes the appropriate foundation for every right decision.  


If you respect others as you respect yourself, you will make wise choices based on that fact alone.  The responsibility factor comes into play when we realize that every action we make, or every reaction we choose, has a consequence that we are responsible for.  By the standards my parents themselves set, these foundational principles were more than words, but a lifestyle.  


They modeled it, and my brothers and I tried our hardest to follow their lead.  As you could imagine, we messed up as kids tend to do, but we were quick to accept the due punishment, great or small, for our irresponsibility. The last "R", restraint, was something I took personal pride in.  I was very self-controlled growing up, and that reflected in my academics and athletics.  As I answer some later questions, you will see how this restraint began to be de-sensitized.  Overall, having parents of great integrity and faith was the finest examples any chlid, teen, or young adult could have. 

2.  At what point in your life did you begin to feel the influence others had on your decision-making processes?

I would have to say at the age of 18. Literally!  I had recently turned 18 and for the first time in my life, I allowed my wall of restraint to go down.  That first defense then diminished the other two "R's" of respect and responsibility.  My mother used to call me Daniel from the Bible because I had a reputation amongst my peers for not "bowing down" (see Daniel chapter 6). 

'Bowing down' means conceding to the wordly things, and up to 18 years of age, I had stood fast against sex, drugs, and alcohol.  But right after my 18th birthday on vacation, I decided to have my first alcoholic beverage.  From that point on, I was not pulled to alcohol because of my athletic drive, but any time I drank, I gave way to other poor decisions.  It was a chain reaction.  In went alcohol, out went discretion. 

3.  There's a study I read once that the judgment portion of the brain is not fully developed until the age of twenty-five.  What do you think about that?  Do you think the legal drinking age should be raised?

That is very interesting and based on that study, it sounds good on paper, but unfortunately "vices" such as drugs and alcohol are no respecter of age.  Judgment begins to skew when the alcohol touches the lips, so whether 21, 25, or 35, the legal drinking age is irrelevant.  In Proverbs 20:1, it says, "Wine is a mocker, Strong drink a brawler, And whoever is led astray by it is not wise."  This makes me the chief fool, but it is my hope and prayer that in my foolishness, others will learn from me and do better. 

4.  Your life, and that of the family who lost their father, took a drastic change based on making a poor decision.  Do you think it was that one night's decision that led to the incident, or were their decisions leading up to it that started you on the path with what happened?

Excellent question! I wish I could tackle this one in person.  However, I believe it was a series of poor decisions, and as I go back to the "Three R's," I will be the first to admit that when I allowed one of them to be broken down by my own negligence, then the rest followed suit.  De-sensitized would be a brilliant word to describe the poor decisions of today.  

We as a society have become numb to doing what's right.  As time goes on and we continue to make poor decisions, they become easier and easier, ultimately ending up to the point of no return.  Such as myself.  AS I failed to make plans when going out, which was the usual responsible act my friend and I did often, each time after that became a "take it as it comes" type of attitude.  It would be like, "Let's just get to where we are going, and we will worry about how we are getting home later."  But that failure to be responsible from the onset, is the initial failure which leads to the bigger one.  

It's a chain reaction, and that is why this battle against drunk driving is so hard to combat.  Nobody believes it can happen to them and even when drinking, everyone believes they are fine.  This is why I feel strongly about making my audience think about decisions from a 'that guy' perspective (see presentation online), showing them that it can happen to anyone, regardless of a downward slope process of poor decisions.  It only takes one!

5.  I know you are a spiritual person, based on watching a few of your videos and reading your website.  Do you feel that at the point of the crash, you reached a crossroads in your life?

Many people do not know this, but I make mention to it in my presentation.  On March 1st, 2009, 5 days prior to the accident, I tore my ACL (right knee) in a professional soccer game at the Spectrum in Philadelphia.  Throughout that week, I allowed that injury and uncertain future to weigh on me.  In hindsight, I should have given that burden immediately over to Christ, and I fully believe that God was trying to get my attention with my knee. 

But as we know, on March 7th, 2009, I made the reckless decision to drink and drive, which took the life of an innocent man named Hort Kap, and caused immeasurable pain to so many.  My knee will never be an excuse for my poor decision, but the truth remains, by failing to handle that adversity well, and looking to God, I turned to myself and went out on a Friday night, when my team was preparing for a game on that Saturday.  

God desires our attention in life, and whether He causes our adversity or allows adversity to enter in, He fully controls it.  Character development is His main purpose.  The crossroads for all of us would bethat pivotal moment after a trial, great or small, that we make up our minds to endure through it by faith, or succumb to it in failure.  I failed big time.  But failure to me has been the opportunity to begin again, but this time with Christ at life's center and entirely accountable for my actions. 

6. At this point, where do you see your life going?

To be completely honest with this question, I do not worry about that.  Not one part of my day involves stress of the future.  My faith does not allow it.  I know God is working in my life and my story, and this very interview is evidence enought that "all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose" (ROmans 8:28).  

With that truth, I am content to simply trust in Christ, my Savior, allowing Him to pave the way.  I know this tragedy can never be taken back, but I will do my utmost to make triumph out of it.  I will always make it very clear to those willing to listen, that God through Christ Jesus is the author and finisher of my faith.  Why fear tomorrow, when God is already there!

7.  How do you cope with being in prison? And has your perception of others who were inmates/former inmates changed since you've been incarcerated yourself?

I knew former felons prior to being in trouble and even those who did time, but never in a million years could I have saw the inside of a prison in my mind or felt what they went through, let alone be in one myself.  My view of them never changed.  But I see all of life entirely different now.  Upon arriving in prison and seeing the atmosphere, I realized that I was going into a 'hard' place with 'hard' mentalities.  I found out quickly that this was not the case, as there are some tough looking guys in here, but they are as soft as cotton.  

When you remove these walls, you get the state of man period! When you get below the surface of some of my peers in here, you will find that they have the same issues as anyone else.  Society classifies them (me) as scum, but they fail to see the person, and rather look at the label.  I will never excuse or justify any of my fellow inmates' behaviors or crimes (or mine), but I know that every man who owns up to his mistake/crime and repents of it (complete change of mine) deserves another chance.  Believe me, there are some diabolical individuals in here, but I am not their judge, and I do not treat a single inmate in here differently than I would treat myself. 

My demeanor and the ability, like the Apostle Paul, to be "all things to all men" allows for me to get along with every circle of prisoners, with hopes to be a light to them.  This mindset I have disciplined, would perhaps answer the first part of this question. And once again, I would quote the Apostle Paul when he wrote, "None of these things move me" (Acts 20:24).  This place has not shook me from day-one, anot by my own strength, but by Jesus Christ's strength working in my life.  

Never did I look at my HS or college years of schooling, when I was a freshman, as a dread and "I wish I were a senior" attitude.  No, that happened all on its own as time waits on on man and I refuse to not look at prison and my time in a like manner.  My "senior" year will come regardless of what I do, so why not make the absolute best out of this time.  God honors us when we honor His time.  I may be confined, but I am free in my mind and spirit, and that is true liberty.  This may not be school, but I look at it as the 'University of Adversity.' 

8.  You speak heavily about choices, decisions, and consequences.  What do you tell people now about the decision-making process?  How might one steer clear of making poor decisions?

When we compromise in a little thing, we are more likely to compromise when it matters.  The decision making process is one that must be thought about thoroughly, as each thought we entertain can possibly be a decision, and one we may regret in the end.  It starts by making a conscious effort to guard each and every decision, from holding our tongues to allowing a frustration or dispute to build patience in us, making us better, not bitter.  

I would encourage everyone alike to heavily understand that every decision we make is the strand that binds the next one.  When we do not weigh even a small choice, the strand slowly loses strength.  And when the time comes to face that "crossroads," that very decision will only have as much resilience and integrity as our last decision. 

9.  What impact did your own decisions have on your family and friends?

God has blessed me with the ability to influence any environment I find myself in.  And with that platform, my entire life was based on doing what was right to be that example and leader I was capable of.  My decisions always reflected on my family and they were quick to encourage me when I made the right ones; and similarly in the bad ones, to learn from them and do better next time.  

Likewise with my friends, as many responsible decisions showed them it was cool to stand up for what was right in "peer pressure" issues.  But then we have the flip side of this influence and this is the second gut checking pain (besides being responsible for Hort Kap's life, which is first to none), and it is the fact that I was a stumbling block for kids, friends, peers, and even adults in my poor decisions.  This has also been the reason my passion to impact lives may be so strong.  I realized that if I was visible when things were good in my life, then I MUST be the same face when things went bad. 

The kids, and those watching, needed to see someone own up to their mistakes, so that they can learn from my negative experience and do better.  That is what this nation lacks as it is easier to sweep everything under the carpet instead of "Mannin' UP."  When I say "MAN-UP," I'm talking about standing up for righteousness-sake!  Regardless of anyone's beliefs, it is about simply standing up for integrity, honesty, responsibility, and that is the definition of accountability.  

My decisions my entire life, good and bad, always impacted those around me, but it took the isolation of prison for GOD to make me understand that this gift of influence must be used for His good at all times.  No more compromising, and by my decisions from here on out, I only desire to please God and honor Hort Kap, redeeming my father's name!

10.  Is there anything else you would like to add?

I would like to thank you for this opportunity, and for hearing my testimony through these questions.  I know very well that God has used pain in my life to fuel this passion and to speciffically realize that my purpose can only be found in Him.

Without Christ in my life, none of this would even be semi-possible.  I would also like to add that I wake up amongst complete chaos, yet I am at peace because of surrendering my heart to Jesus Christ.  Man cannot explain this, but I am quick to make it known that everyone alike is afforded this salvation and peace, yet not everyone chooses it.

Once again, thank you kindly for taking the time to reach out, and I hope that my answers will be used to help others greatly...

At Peace,

Matthew Maher

Proverbs 3:5-6