Putting on the "get the ring mask"

Photo from Nigerian Weddings

Many women have been groomed to put on a 

"get the ring mask" in order to snag a husband.

A couple of years ago, a guy I went to school with back in the day hit me up on Facebook. He asked me why women change after they get married. I asked him what he meant by that.

He replied, "Is it possible that a woman can become a completely different person after marriage. Not just changing what she used to do, but completely expressing different values and ideals?"

I said, "Yes!" Well, I thought it was possible for many reasons. Firstly, I have witnessed it. Secondly, I hear complaints about it all the time. And thirdly, I know people who encourage this type of behavior.

I will call it, Putting on the "get the ring mask." Let me be clear, I do not believe all women put on airs to get the ring. As little girls, they are taught what men look for in wives, and to become those things to a fault when trying to land a husband. No I'm not a jealous unmarried woman (I'm still on the fence about the whole notion of marriage...but that's for another blog on another day).

What I am is honest. Some people like to sugarcoat things, I don't. So I will tell the truth. It is easy to get a ring from a man. People think it is difficult. Nope. This is the formula: Ask him what he wants. Be what he wants.

Remember this scene from Coming to America? Ol girl would do

whatever Eddie Murphy's character said. He did not like the fact that

she was not her own person. Smart guy!

See?! Easy. Most men are easy. (I'm kidding men!) They want attraction, support, and stability. That's it. It is as simple as that. So if he's attracted to you, you've won half the battle. But the tricky part lies in the other two, and this is where some women slide on the mask.

INTIMACY

How many men complain that women who were extremely open as girlfriends, lock it up as wives? I've received emails for my column about this subject several times. Guys complaining about how their wives have shut down intimately, but were swinging from poles and chandaliers when they dated.

Look, a lot of women have been taught that the bedroom is the way to get a man. They aren't being all free and experimental because they want to (now some are...so don't get me wrong), but to lock you down. Once the lock is in place, and they hold the key, they don't have to do those things anymore.

Gentlemen, you have to be diligent in getting to the core of who a woman is, and not just inside of her. With a lot of you, your focus is often very off. You're so keen on getting her draws, that you do not see what type of soul she has first. Dumb move.

In one case, the wife shut down physically because she had some abuse in her past that she had not worked through, but the guy did not bother to focus on that. He merely focused on the fact that he wasn't getting it like he used to while they dated.

SUPPORT

A guy can have the weirdest, most ridiculous pipe dream on the planet. But if the woman's focus is getting the ring, she will support it like it is nobody's business. Or it could just be an interest that the guy has.  For instance, say you, guy, are interested in flag football.

Flag football is not going to get you anywhere, but it is part of you living out your dream. While you're dating/courting, that woman with the mask will pretend as though flag football is the be all and end all to her as much as it is to you. She will show up at games, fix the team water bottles and after game snacks, and wash everyone's jerseys.

Now, what a dude who is not paying attention won't realize is, she does not want to do any of these things. She told you when you first met that she hated sports and everything about them. But what usually happens is, a guy loses sight of what the woman told him, and only pays attention to what she does. Big mistake.

I have often said, "Women lie with their actions, men lie with their words." Just because Suzy homemaker is washing dirty draws and hanging up football uniforms, does not mean she's supportive and on the level. After you say "I do", she will begin to complain about flag football and any other event you're now a part of while with her.

She will nag you right out of your cleats. After all, she told you in the beginning what it was with her and sports, but you did not pay attention.

STABILITY

Look, women have heard ad nauseam that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. That is not quite true, but the premise is okay. So a woman will go out of her way to romance a guy in this way when they are dating. Even if it means going down the street to Lawan's Soul Food to grab a family meal deal, and throwing away the cartons, so you would not know, a woman will do what she has to do to get that ring!

If she really wants to marry you, she will hide all of her negative attributes, and elevate the good qualities you say you want. She hides her crazy, she hides her own goals and aspirations, she even hides the fact that she keeps a dirty home. A lady will be on her best behavior, share few of her own opinions, agree with what you  on almost everything, and blow you up like you're the best thing in the world...all to get that ring. The "I'm too good to be true" mask, is real.  No one is perfect. She may be perfect for you in all your great qualities and inadequacies, but she is not perfect. I'm not trying to scare you out of commitment. I'm just telling you the truth. LOL

Because a woman wearing the "get the ring mask" lays the foundation for your stability, does not mean she is stable. Putting on that "Stepford wife" mask helps a lot of women get rings. But you, fellas, have to be as diligent as women are in discovering with whom you are involved. You have to ask questions and see who she is and what she really wants. The guy I mentioned above, never bothered to ask his wife what she wanted out of life or out of marriage while they dated. He just assumed she wanted everything he did. WRONG! You cannot be that self absorbed, men!

Y'all have to remember these women are individuals and had lives before you came around. So to even begin to believe that all she wants in life is to be a great wife and make you happy is ridiculous. My homeboy told me about a friend of his whose wife USED TO get up and serve him during games and other gatherings. She would rub his feet and run his bath when he came home. That lasted while they dated and maybe the first few months of dating. Then she flipped it on him! LOL

No, not all marriage seeking women do this. But there are many who do because they are taught to do this. You get a man, and then you can show who you really are.

THE TAKE AWAY


Part of being married, men, is being a husband. Not just having a wife. So you have to think about what her needs, hopes, wishes, and desires are as well as getting your own fulfilled. Your version of what a great husband is, may not be her version. Although women are often taught to mask who they are and what they want in order to get a man to marry them, it is a recipe for disaster. No, women are not being sadistically deceitful. They are just playing the mating game.

Where men often go wrong is, believing that they are just great as they are, without paying attention to what the woman's own views and values are. Men look, with fault, for a woman who is the direct reflection of their perfect woman. Though you may find someone who is completely compatible, what you do not want is someone who has the image of everything you THINK you want. I know that does not sound right.

But it is true. She was somebody before you got there. As I said above, you are not going to meet the perfect person, so stop being fooled by the mask. You can only blame yourself when she "changes after marriage." You have to set your egos aside and realize that there is not anyone on the planet who truly wants everything you want, likes everything you like, will be everything to perfection. There has to be room for a few differences. 

Often, women do not change at all after marriage. You just never took the time to get to know who she really is underneath the mask. Think about it. No one is really a shape-shifter. Marriage only exacerbates what is already there, good and bad. A good relationship allows everyone to be themselves. When you are open and honest, transparent and great with communication, you get to the core of who a person is. 

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