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She said it's your child...and it really messed me up



Through my work as an attorney, I have had multiple clients contact me for issues dealing with paternity. Many have either discovered a child had a different father than whom the mother purported to be the father, after years of keeping it secret.

Surprise! You have a teenage son!
Men have been contacted via social media by women, who they had long forgotten or long lost contact with, delivering news that they "might be the father" of a child some did not even know existed. Husbands have called me after finding out that children, they had fathered for close to a decade, were not theirs biologically.

If a man receives the news that he fathered a child, many years after the fact, how should he respond? 

Is it a situation where a man has the right to walk away and go on as though he never received the news? Is he obligated to take a paternity test and establish a relationship with the child? The answers can be sketchy both morally and legally.

First things, first. As the mother of the child, how do you get the courage to contact someone after so many years? What led to not informing the child during the pregnancy?

When do you tell a man he may have
fathered your child? 
How might this new discovery affect the current woman/family in the man's life? If a man is married or dating a woman, how should she respond? 

And new child makes three. How would
you handle it? 

The man never lied about the existence of the child, he just did not know. The child had no say in the matter. Can you, as the woman the man is with, blame him for wanting to know if he has a child? Will you invite the child into your family with opened arms?

 As the man, in this case, who takes priority? A child who you do not know to be yours? Or the woman/wife to whom you are currently dedicated? What happens if she tells you to walk away and continue living your life as though it never happened?







Check out a couple of discussions people had across social media about this topic, and add your comments to the post!




  1. 31 Jan
     Why a 2nd TEST.... Then you and the other PARENT need to have a sit down with the child. Mother has to TAKE her SHAME.
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  2. 31 Jan
     if you got the call or FB MSG (as was the case here) how would you deal? 
    Expand 
31 Jan
 The RE-Test would still be Option 1. 2nd, Alert all parties involved (New Mates, Family, Close Friends) Then address the child.
 Hide conversation 
9:07 AM - 31 Jan 13 · Details


From Facebook:


Topic: Men, you have a child, but don't find out until 10 years later.

As the father, how do you respond to the initial information? Do you get a DNA test immediately? Say too late, too bad, so sad?

If you are the woman in a current relationship with this man, how do you respond?

If you're the mother, how do you tell the father?
  • TL Difficult but me it depends on what my relationship was like with mother, current family, current needs of child, and whether or not any relationship can be formed with the child NOW. DNA test yes. Also all of the "why" questions.
    Thursday at 10:31am via mobile · Like · 1
  • BA First you gotta say "Wow"...With all the social networking now-a-days going on, Its impossible to miss someone enough not to tell them about a potential offspring (unless they are dead or incarcerated). Then you get the test and start the relationship with the child. And try not to be mad about the time lost...
    Thursday at 11:54am · Like · 1
  • YBBG How do you think your significant other would react?
  • BA Wouldn't matter....its a life that needs 50% of their parent. ..if significant other doesnt accept your child then they may have never accepted you and/or your past!
    Thursday at 2:12pm via mobile · Like · 2
  • TL @BA I disagree. This is your spouse or significant other. If u say it doesn't matter then u really don't value her much. I understand to underlying meaning of your response, but if you've established a life with someone u have to discuss the impact of acknowledging and playing a role in that child's life would be. The child could be a straight A student. Or the child could be disabled, in the streets, violent, suffers from addictions, etc. You have to weigh the costs. If u r single then go for it.
    Thursday at 2:52pm via mobile · Like · 1
  • BA It all fall s under responsibility. ..as a MAN, I am responsible for my actions. The action was producing the child. The responsibility is to take care of the child. Its not like the child is bad credit and after 7 years it shouldn't affect you. Its a lifetime mistake. ..along the lines of death and maybe Aids. Imagine if you were the 10 year old and your pops rejects you due to him having a "real" family now. How would that feel on the other end of the table? Seeking traits and where you get certain things from. Building trauma cause your blood rejects you....tricky question but I seen both sides of it....
    Thursday at 3:58pm via mobile · Like · 1
  • TL Whether or not it was a mistake is arguable. In this instance the responsibility is being placed on you 10 years later. Taking care of the child is noble and the right. However, it doesn't mean it won't present challenges that effect more than just you. You can't have a take or leave attitude when it involves someone else. You may have compromise, presumably the child wants you to be part if his life.
    Thursday at 4:34pm via mobile · Like
  • SDT I say if your spouse doesnt accept the child you had before you met them... then good riddance. Someone who does not accept my child does not accept me. I would be devastated to find out i had a kid that old BUT i would also be devastated if my husbandfound out he had a child that age and tried to turn his back on the child HELL NO. He would get the boot. And i dont take marriage lightly but as the mother of a son whos dad was a piece of work and the wife of a man whos father dejected them because his wife hated my mother in law and she would run my husband and his little sister off. They didnt fit in .. what kind of MAN runs his children off?? a piece of crap man.
  • TL @ SDT How would you not know?! We are also assuming the mother told the child of your existence. All we know right now is the mother contacted you. Who knows what she told him the first 10 years of his life. I understand about not accepting/ rejecting the child.
    Thursday at 4:38pm via mobile · Like · 1
  • SDT because there are trifling women out there thats how...they have kids and slept with so many people they need to be on Maury with a line up. So I would say DNA test YES. We dont live in the same world we grew up in...we really dont.
  • SDT and im not being a smart alec... but there are really some trifling little girls...
  • SDT and if this is in reference to Dan Marino he is a piece of trash.
  • TL I agree Sonya. I was kidding. U said u would be devastated to find out you had a kid that old...
    Thursday at 4:45pm via mobile · Like · 1
  • YBBG No. It isn't Dan Marino lol. I have had several cases dealing with this
    Thursday at 4:45pm · Like · 1
  • TL What happened to Dan Marino?
    Thursday at 4:46pm via mobile · Like
  • SDT He told his wife on their 28th wedding anniversary that he had a 7 year old with a production assistant he had been having an affair with and he had secretly been raising the child and keeping her from his wife... and sorry i am sarcastically challenged LOL i shouldve said if i was a man...
  • SDT i guess i could never be a lawyer. I am too involved with my emotions. My son spent 13 years with no father then old boy shows up and has me wasting thousands of dollars on court ... all for naught because he has seen my child about 6 times in the last year since he got visitation every other saturday if i ever whip his ass im gonna hire me a GOOD lawyer... ahem... lol and we can all pretend i never said id get his head and light it up one day




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