DAY 13 DV AWARENESS: Deprogram bad information

If you are still dating like you did when you were 15, you really need an update in your protocol. Think about all of the things you have learned about how to relate to romantic partners...some of those things were just plum foolish. In my latest book, I delved into all of the mistakes I, and others (guys I interviewed) made, and how we recovered and made changes on our journeys to finding healthy lives and relationships. 

Oftentimes, we create bad habits in relationships that we carry from one relationship to the next without even realizing we are doing it. Even more often, we mimic what we've seen growing up and repeat it in our own relationships.

If mama and daddy fought like cats and dogs, and made up in the bedroom, we think that's normal. I don't care what you've witnessed other people do... As Lauren Lake says, you cannot resolve issues (find counsel) under the covers. You just create a toxic whirlwind of chaos that happens most of the time and gets capped off with sex. That's why you see a bunch of unhappy folks with a lot of kids...just kidding.

A lady told me that some of the worst advice she ever received was: 'He only hits you because he is stressed out. Just give him what he wants. He will stay happy and not hit you.'

I have actually heard someone judge a relationship based on whether or not a person was getting beaten. That person had been raised in a home where the parents fought. It was like "well, as long as he doesn't beat her...then I guess they are alright." No! Just no no no! There is so much more good in a relationship than the default being not getting beaten. 

If you're used to the kind of relationships where you feel compelled to put your hands on somebody in violence to get them to "act right," you need to drop that behavior as soon as possible. Or if you've come to believe that someone who doesn't lay hands on you, doesn't love you, you have been taught the wrong thing. One day, one of you will engage in the type of violence that brings the end to either your life or your freedom...no one wants that. 

The other day, I saw some things floating around social media that people were big upping and amen-ing and I just had to shake my head. Like who in the 1950s came up with this stuff? 

All of these dumbarse rules and regulations. This reminds me of that "The Good Wife's Guide" from Better Homes and Gardens. Let me tell you something, can't nobody give you a magic spell to conjure up a mate. So expecting these tricks of the trade to make things easier is crazy. 

Even guys don't buy this stuff right here. Some of it takes away your voice and your true feelings. Be flexible. Dang it...sometimes you might want to laugh, clown and play the dozens with your man....let it rip. Men aren't as fragile as this makes them out to be. 

Anyone telling you not to be yourself with a man or woman, to manipulate in order to get what you want, or to screw people over and not care, is setting you up for failure. Hiding the real you will get you in a mess really quickly when you can no longer keep up the facade. 

I know people encourage you to use manipulation to get what you want, but let me tell you, it will backfire on you quicker than a 1979 pinto. Manipulation is dishonest, you can't expect to have an honest relationship when you're playing games. Flirtation and persuasion is one thing, but trickery and foolery is another. 

I know dudes who still carry on as though they are teens, well into their thirties. Still running around talking about smashing and passing, out in the streets living wreckless and wondering why they cannot get other aspects of their lives together...then blaming the consequences of their idiotic behavior on "crazy women." Nah fool, you can't treat grown folks with access to years of hurt and heartache like little girls who still believe in fairytales. LOL 

And then there are women, who do still treat adult life as though they are living in a fairytale...

Everyone needs to grow up and stop playing silly juvenile games. A lot of people suffer from never having learned how to navigate productive adult relationships and picked up bad behaviors through trial and error, piss poor examples shown or through bad advice given. 

One thing, I had to unlearn was giving fake names and numbers. It was foul. I wouldn't want to be treated that way. It was something I started doing as a college kid when a guy who I wasn't attracted to would approach me. I never thought I would run into any of them again...but ooooh I did once...(If you want to know what happened, check out my book.) What I did was insensitive and uncaring. I've seriously had to unlearn dismissing or diminishing other people's feelings. 

We all pick up misinformation and piss poor judgment along this journey we call life. Just don't drag all your bad habits into new situations. Everything from your past ain't right for your present and could harm you in your future. Be open to learning new behaviors, and not just trying to fit a square peg into a round hole all the time.

You can't expect different results by leaning and depending on old bad habits. You really, really have to deprogram yourself and start anew. Some things people have told you and experiences you have had stay with you for far too long, and ruin your ability to spread your wings.

Think about everything you've learned about relationships over the years, everything you've done in relationships over the years, and write down what they are and what impact they have actually had in your life. For example...if you've been a snooper, write down what good and bad happened as a result of your snooping.

If you're quick to blindly fall in love, write down how your fast paced romances have turned out. Be real with yourself. It's time to deprogram your bad habits and develop good ones.