DAY 20 DV AWARENESS: Fight fair


I need to get this off my chest. YOU ARE GROWN, STOP THROWING TANTRUMS!

Little ones throw tantrums and use their bodies to express, sometimes violently, what they want. They do this because they haven't learned the words necessary to express themselves. As they mature, they gain more words, more motor skills, more understanding and more of an ability to communicate.

So tell my why grown folks forget all of the good strategies to resolving conflict, once they are grown and on their own.

You know, when we are kids, we learn certain rules of engagement that could translate over to adulthood with a few tweaks tailored toward realism.

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. 

Ok...sometimes you really don't have anything nice to say, but you really have to get it out. As an adult, there is a way to say not so nice things in a way that doesn't torch a person's soul. 

Let me be real, I am a trash talking connoisseur. I have, at a time, gone places in trash talking that I had no business going. I had no limits and would say things I didn't actually mean, but I knew would throw the other person off and do some damage...all in the name of winning.

Nothing was off limits. 

I was wrong. Utterly and completely wrong. Though, it was easy for me to keep it moving after being flippantly detructive, the person, at whom I lashed out, felt stung by my words. Afterwards, the person told me how damaging what I said was, and how I should think about what I say, even in the heat of the moment, because the sting lasts after the fight is over. 

With that...it's a good idea to stay away from using a person's vulnerabilities against him or her in an argument

It is such a difficult feat to lay bare your innermost thoughts and feelings to someone... Then to have that trusted person throw them back in your face in an argument?! It couldn't get any lower.

If you do that to someone, don't expect them to trust you with much else. 

Learn to argue without creating gut wrenching anguish. Keep certain things off limits... You can get your point across without destroying the trust and comfort level between you. 

Keep hands, feet and other objects to yourself. 

Any physical display of violence should be off limits. You need to employ self-restraint. Hitting, spitting, punching, choking, kicking, picking up weapons...etc...is never okay. Never! There shouldn't be a first time for it. And if a first time happens, there are no second opportunities given. 

I don't care how mad you get, you have no right to put your hands (feet or other objects) on what does not belong to you.  

If you need a reminder...another person's body does not belong to you. Another person's property, even if you gave it to him/her, does not belong to you. 

Whomever told you, or showed you, that acting out violently is okay, set you up for a downfall. What you do out of a moment of anger could follow you and the other person permanently. The only time using force should be okay is if you're defending yourself from an attack. 

Getting physical solves absolutely nothing. It creates more immediate (and long term) problems for you and everyone connected to you. If you struggle to control yourself, get some help. There is no shame in getting help. 

Remember, there is absolutely no emotional issue, nor hurt feelings nor disrespect that gives you the right to put your hands on someone. Introducing violence into your relationship, in any form, will end badly 99.9% of the time.

Walk away

Every argument or battle isn't worth having. Some arguments are just bait to control you. Anytime a person can stimulate your anger and you act on it, you are like a puppet on a string and that person is your master. 

You have to decide when and where to get into battle mode. Arguing when you're enraged? That's a no go. If you feel the inferno lighting up...get away from the situation until you calm down. 

Also, try to deal with one issue at a time. Everything won't get resolved in one sitting. Sometimes bringing in everything that you're tired of, mad about, or want to change will just leave everyone confused and unsatisfied. You can't just emotionally dump on someone and expect a resolution. 

Get help

Some conflicts need a mediator or referee. Sometimes you just can't get through to people. A person whom is unable to channel their rage to a cooling chamber may need some professional help. There are people out there who have the training and experience to diagnose any issues that may be hampering a person's ability to flourish and have a peaceful life. 

Choose a professional when things cannot be resolved between you and your mate. You may not have the tools yet to resolve your conflicts. It is okay that you don't have them yet because you can learn them. 

Counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists, crisis managers, life coaches, etc., all have the training to help people navigate life in a healthy and well-balanced manner. 

All in all...everyone gets upset a time or two...or many times. Every relationship goes through ups and downs. However, where there is conflict, there has to be a plan for resolution without violence, humiliation, or too many hurt feelings. Learn to fight fair and be good to one another. 



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