Day 8 DV AWARENESS: Have meaningful standards

When it comes to being shallow and superficial in the dating game, there was a point in time where I could have been the poster child. Chilli from TLC and her list had nothing on me.

However, even then, I realized that appearance didn't actually translate into being of good character, nor into sustained compatibility. 

Having a dope body doesn't mean you are dependable. Pretty skin and hair won't make you compassionate. Beautiful eyes don't say anything about what you're like on the inside. Kissable lips say nothing about how you communicate. 

Swag isn't a measure of being a shoulder to lean on in hard times. A sway in the hips won't build a nurturing spirit. What appeals to you physically may not sustain you spiritually. 

Look, sometimes what's pleasing to the eye and ear aren't enough to maintain a bond, build a union, or connect two souls. 

People have these requirements that they  put a lot of weight in. I've heard men say "My woman needs to know how to cook..." But knowing how to cook doesn't mean you won't go hungry. I've heard women say, "I need a man with ambition who makes good money," but what if he doesn't know how to pay bills and spends all his time at work making money to blow?

Look at the type of person you desire based on appeal...then ask yourself would who this person is spiritually, emotionally and psychologically mesh well with you in good times and bad. 

You will experience real life events that have nothing to do with how a suit hangs or a dress fits. There will be times where you need someone to stay up late with you just talking about nothing. Life will happen and someone you love will pass on. Will your partner be sympathetic and provide assurance and comfort? Your car will break down and you will need a ride. Someone will have to be your emergency contact. You will struggle with health or weight or career or friendships. Can you depend on your mate to have your back?

You may need a laugh or a hug, is there humor and warmth in your relationship? 

Can you stand being around each other's families and friends? Does this person even acknowledge you to family and friends? 

Will you both take pride in each other and the relationship?  

Would you like this person with his or her clothes on? Can you depend on this person to be there for you in times of trials and tribulation, as well as the good times? Could you trust your son or daughter to be raised by this person? Is it possible for this person to bring unneeded drama and turbulence in your life?

Can you be there for this person when he or she is at his or her lowest point? Are you capable of dealing with his or her flaws? Does this person know how to effectively communicate? Do you share the same values? 

Does this person have a moral compass? Does he or she respect you? Is this person quick to anger and slow to forgive? Do you have any commonalities that a friendship can be built upon? 

Beyond that...are you too focused on your superficial connection? Do you maintain standards for how you want to be treated and how you treat the other person? Will you all have consideration for each other's needs? Do you set boundaries for what is and is not acceptable in your relationship?

Standards that are meaningful tap into the quality of life you could have with a person based on character, integrity, temperament and behavior. Does he say what he means and stick to his word? Is she understanding and open to compromise? How does he/she treat other people? 

Does he treat you like an equal partner and not a subordinate? Can she cheer you on instead of shouting you down? 

If all you care about is being wined and dined by a handsome face or having your ego stroked and being catered to by a pretty face, you may end up sacrificing some things that matter most in maintaining a healthy relationship.

Don't be so blinded by the superficial that you fail to get to the core.

Ask yourself these questions:

Would I like him/her if we weren't physically attracted? 

Do we communicate well?

Are we able to problem solve and resolve conflicts without being destructive?

Would I want my children to be like him/her?

Do we share the same values?

Am I important to him/her, and he/she to me? 

Can we deal with our flaws long term?

Will we grow in a positive direction together? 

Can I count on him/her to be there?

Will trust be an issue between us?

There are some heavy considerations to be had when making decisions about whom we connect with and share our lives. It won't be easy, but it could be worth it.