Day 3 DV Awareness: Manage temporary emotions

My sister is a DV prevention advocate. She educates teens on how to have healthy relationships. She leads "Safe Dates" programming where she lives. 

The other day we were talking about the abundance of emotions people have but don't know how to express or describe. Think about how many times you've heard someone say, "I feel some kinda way,"? 

I've said it a time or two. 

"But what does that mean?" my homeboy asked one day. 

"It could mean anything from a combination of different feelings depending on what's going on... Listen to the inflection of the voice to determine if it is good or bad," I responded.

Truth be told, it means "I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling." If you can't understand your emotions enough to describe them, it becomes virtually impossible for you to manage them. 

Sometimes that inability to describe feelings leads to negative actions. I will keep it transparent. I was once an angry kid/teen. I wouldn't start anything (no matter what people might say now lol) but I would finish it. 

My anger stemmed from a lot of things...feeling unheard...feeling ignored...feeling bullied...feeling hurt...feeling alone...feeling lost...feeling out of control and not being able to speak my way through it. There were many times that I was just waiting for someone to do or say something so I could "pop off."

The only thing that stopped me from fighting as much as I wanted to fight was wanting to excel in school and in life. I wanted to minimize my consequences, but there were other times where consequences were nowhere near my conscious mind. 

Rage would build like a heatwave through my body. I could feel it. Literally feel the wave. I would just say I had a hot temper. There was no gray...I could go from 0 to 200...if I felt disrespected. I liked playing basketball because it would give me a way to channel that pinned up anger in a way that wouldn't get me into too much trouble... Sure, I would foul out of games or get thrown out for throwing a punch a couple of times, but at least I could get it out without being suspended from school.

I remember one of the worst times that my controlled rage got the best of me. I was in fifth grade, and a boy kept messing with me, tapping (as I'm writing this...I realize this scenario happened more than once...the lighter version ended with me slapping the taste out of another classmate's mouth....I had forgotten about that incident...) on my desk, closing my book as I tried to work, to the point that I told him if he didn't stop, I would stab him with my sharp No. 2 pencil. He didn't stop...

Now...that was me as a kid. As we all know, children (and even young adults) have a limited vocabulary and are still trying to figure themselves out. It is difficult for an immature mind to process strong emotions. 

That is part of the reason why you see quite a bit of dating violence in people in their teens and early twenties. They have learned to play out their emotions through physical means as opposed to being able to mentally comprehend them and verbally express them. So what ever a person may feel, is expressed physically, in my view. (Let's be clear, I am not a psychologist. I'm a trained legal advocate in the realm of domestic relations and domestic violence. If you're experiencing a difficult time expressing your emotions in a productive manner, do not be ashamed to seek help from a licensed professional therapist.) 

That being said, acting immediately on whatever wave of emotion hits you, is not a good thing. Not only can you make permanent decisions based on temporary situations, but had you waited you could make better, more rational decisions.

I had this very discussion with a young student at a mentoring luncheon last month. He was growing up with a hot temper...you wouldn't know it by having a discussion with him. He is a well spoken, well-mannered young man. But if you impact his feelings or invade his personal space he will get with you...in a violent way. 

Of course there were underlying issues that impacted his response to feeling violated or disrespected...and quite frankly that is true for most people who act out violently or abusively. That violent person is hardly ever truly reacting to the target, he/she reacts to negative emotions that were ingrained in his/her foundation long before ever coming into contact with this other person. 

Most people don't even understand the origin of their reactions. They struggle with understanding and articulating, which makes it hard to communicate and make better decisions. Acting on instinct is a basic human function. BASIC

Humans have the capacity for reason and rationalization. But in order to get to that elevated function...you must slow down and work through your emotions before you act. 

So, I had the young man at the mentoring luncheon take me back through the instances were he fought. He explained what he was feeling and why he didn't make better decisions. There was a lot behind it. I asked him at the time the fights were happening did he know the underlying reason for his actions, he did not.

I asked him if he had time to think about it, would he have made different decisions? He said probably because the fights really weren't worth it. The instant gratification from the fights came with consequences that lasted much longer. 

We also talked about being in charge of your own feelings. No one can make you feel anything. Now the emotions may rise because of certain interactions, but you actually have more power over your emotions than you realize. 

Once you learn how to identify certain "feelings," then examine what triggers those feelings for you, and negotiate different actions related to those feelings, you become the captain of your own emotions. 

Being the captain of your emotions makes it very difficult for you to be provoked or controlled by outside forces (other people). It makes it easier to employ judgment more than relying merely on instinct. Instinct is best used in fight or flight scenarios, not every day life. Your everyday life is only fight or flight if you create it that way. 

So, yes, you can manage both pleasant and unpleasant feelings. Even pleasant feelings can lead to bad decision-making.  I'm not telling you that you shouldn't embrace your feelings at all. You should...but there are levels to it. A healthy relationship incorporates all kinds of feelings, pleasant and unpleasant. 

Pleasant feelings can cloud your good mind. Feeling happy and in love can blind you to who the person is that you're feeling that way about...you know, blind love. You can feel love and still decide that a situation really isn't the best for you. You get to decide how you act based on that loving feeling. Sometimes what you're feeling isn't even love...it's just the chemical reaction of your pheromones linking up with the other person's. 

Those pleasant feelings and release of the pleasure sensor hormones can become a little addictive. You can't let that wave of hormone releases lead you to poor decision-making. Have you heard that everything that looks good isn't always good for you? Well everything that temporarily feels good ain't necessarily good for you either. 

If you haven't managed how you react to pleasurable feelings, you might find yourself being crazy in love, and rationally  out of your mind. Remember actual love is an action (verb) and a thing (noun), not just something you "feel."

So before you make immediate decisions based on stuff you can't even see...make conscious decisions based on what you can. 

Take time to know and understand all of the emotions you can feel. Figure out what triggers them for you and how you can best manage them to have productive interactions with other people. 

A healthy relationship is prolonged through employing good judgment and managing temporary feelings.