DAY 19 DV AWARENESS: Communicate purposefully

What I need from you is understanding...how can we communicate...if you don't hear what I say...-Xscape

Quite awhile ago, I interviewed this guy about being a reformed player who became a dedicated husband and family man. He was raised by a single mother, and learned the dire importance of maintaining open lines of communication with his wife. (You can read his story in my book.)

Ultimately, good communication keeps good relationships going. If you don't know how to communicate with purpose, you will find yourself making a lot of assumptions and being in a lot of unnecessary arguments. 

Purposeful communication is not just talking to be heard. It isn't just getting your point across. It's definitely not shouting someone down or firing off verbal beat downs. 

Purposeful communication comes with ground rules. Purposeful communication has goals. Purposeful communication inspires understanding. 

The Ground Rules:

Establish what they are. You two can determine when and how you communicate. Is texting her thing, but not yours? Compromise on how often you will text versus communicate via phone or in person and stick to it. 

Set aside time for one on ones, with no distractions. 

Do not talk over each other. Give each person an opportunity to be heard and the other the opportunity to process.

Do you have a problem with dropping F-bombs when angry and your honey can't deal? Well, you might want to curb how you utilize your colorful language. 

Determine how each of you are best heard. 

Establish a cooling off period for times when you disagree if it will help you resolve the conflict without getting too hot. 

The Goals

Some issues require serious discussion. You can't always bottle things up and hope your partner can guess what you're thinking or feeling.

If there is something you need in your relationship and aren't getting, work to express what it is and help your partner understand how he or she can do something to make it happen. 

Go into a serious discussion with a goal in mind. That goal could be expressing yourself, seeking understanding, negotiating desires, or reaching a resolution to a common problem. 

Be clear and reasonable with your goals...and build on the conversation instead of rehashing over and over again. 

Inspire Understanding

Again, no one can read your mind. Even when you have been with a person forever and a day, he/she still needs transparent communication from you to see your side of things.

Be respectful of the other person's point of view. You will not always see everything the same way and that's okay. The goal is to seek clarity and understanding. 

Someone seeing something differently is not a challenge to your esteem or ego. It is an opportunity for a well rounded view.

Don't be so quick to dismiss how someone feels in order to get the convo over or feel like you've won. Encourage your partner to be honest and open by not reacting negatively to everything he or she says. 

Remember that communication is an exchange of ideas, thoughts, beliefs and opinions...no one will always be "right."

Engage your partner in respectful communication. And don't be so quick to shut down when you don't get the feedback you desire.

Also, if you're not always comfortable speaking your mind, you can always write it. There's nothing wrong with the old fashioned written word... Besides writing allows you to examine what you have to say before handing it over to the other person. 

Remember to speak in love, and if you can't speak in love, at least try to temper the hate, hard feelings or anger.

Yes, sometimes you just want to go off...Just remember words have power and once you spit them out, it is hard to take them back.